Guilty As Charged ...

Have you ever thought about someone you KNOW your not allowed to think about? How about having a dream that makes you feel like you're on cloud nine, but involves someone you REALLY shouldn't be dreaming about? See my unconscious makes me dream about someone I can't have ... it's rather cruel actually ... But never the less it happens. I may not think about that person all the time, at the end of the day I'll hear a song & remember the dream & the person & ... well ... yeah. I guess I have a lot of those dreams. This dream was different than all the others though ... it was blissful. No romance, just fun. The day in Chicago, driving all other the place, spend all my time with my cousin who finally recovered, my grandma is well, my grandpa alive, swimming away from sharks & a friend to share it all with. ... I know to the world that sounds pretty lame but ... let's face it? What am I if not lame? Ugh I wish I could have that dream every night. Honestly. But all I can do is wake up to this world of complications & blames. I know that I have faults but sometimes I wish someone would take responsibility for what THEY'VE done to ME. I'm always apologizing for having a bad day, or getting snappy. I'm only human, right? I'm not an angel, I'm not perfect, I'm not much at all really. I'm just me. The girl who has too many problems. The girl who was worried about everything from the time I was old enough to hold up my own head. I'm not special, if anything that makes me even worse. ... But some many over look my messiness, they don't bother to look past the snappiness or the harshness. Everyone has problems so we should all take care of each other. I need to do more of that too but ... idk I guess I just wish someone would care for me unconditionally. Maybe the only time that'll happen is in my dreams.

I wrote this ages ago but never typed it up.

Some days, I imagine that one day, while cleaning our house, someone is going to find my missing piece. The piece I lost all those months ago, the piece that would stop my migraines, make me happy again, find me the guy I've been looking for all my life. Because I can remember a time when something wasn't missing, when I was happy, & peaceful ... or as peaceful as I'll ever get. I'm so sick of feeling this way, as though there's something blocking passage in my head. I forget things ALL THE TIME, I space out, my neck is constantly stiff, & I just feel as though there's something seriously wrong with me. It's frustrating because that blockage is stopping me from being me & I'm never ever going to get a guy if I am not who I am. Hence why Brooke gets Bob & I get ... my obsessions. Brooke deserves a guy like Bob, she really does. Me? I'll just keep looking, searching for that piece of me that's missing, trying to express who I am through this wall I've put up. Who knows? Maybe I'll make it through all of high school without a boy friend. In September it will be 3 years. Brooke was so shocked when she found out it's been 3 years since I kissed a guy, held his hand, was in a relationship ... wow. 3 whole years ... I hate days like this. All I want is to live alone. I guess I was born to be alone. I'll bet if I asked my friends, they'd say they could see me being single my whole life ... hell, I could see it. Just me, in a condo, with a yorkie named Phidipedies, grading English papers, music playing in the back ground, surrounded by a clean place with books & CDs & DVDs & Teddy Bears, & Froggies, & Plants. It doesn't sound too bad really. ;) But I won't lie, if a guy came along who was a good guy & insane enough to date me, I'd be with him. But odds are I'm going to be single for a very long time sooo ... time to devote myself to being a grade A nerd. Brooke can have enough fun for the both of us. ;) Oh & Brooke, if you're reading this, I mean it. You are worth it & you deserve a great guy like Bob okay? Don't worry about me, I'm freaking Pette Pan. Well I should get back to cleaning ... Ciao!