The Elephant in the Room

There they sit,

Perfectly content to be with each other, no secrets to hide.

I can't be like them, I can't lay on top of someone else.

I can't let go & be happy.

Here I am, on a swing, miles away from them.

Back & forth, back & forth.

I am flying, then falling.

High, then low.

I can't have him,

I can see that clearly now.

He can't reach me I am too far gone,

He could never reach me.

Or maybe he could, but who would want to?

I have baggage, more than many can believe.

I am different.

I have no label, no group to belong to.

There are many of us,

But we don't know each other

Because we're always blending in.

Those with whom I share my secrets, they try to relate,

But they have no idea, none at all of what I go through.

It can't be explained with words,

Though many have tried.

There are books & articles, blogs & medical journals,

But those only skim the surface.

For all those words in all those pages have to be edited

& the truth begins to blend into the back ground,

& technical language takes up the space.

You can't edit these feelings,

Cannot change what this life is like.

My life is not a book that can be edited to make it better,
To make it easier to read.
They can't reach me,
I am too far away, in a place that no one knows the name of.
How I wish I could sit with them,
To just to talk about whatever I please.
I am not black & white,
I am the grey area.
You can't reach me.
I am forever moving,
Forever suffering,
Forever rejoicing.
You can't pin a name to me, I am no number.
I am no one,
But I am everyone.
Swinging back & forth, back & forth.
Trying to reach them but they are out of reach.
I can go & sit with them,
But I will only feel more isolated.
They couldn't hear me if I called out to them,
If I asked for help.
I am happy,
But I am drowning & there's nothing I can do.
So I get up & live my life.
You may try to judge me for the things I do,
You may try to shut me down.
But you couldn't find me in a crowd of people,
Nor could you pick me out of a sea of pain.
I am right in front of you,
But you'll never see me.
For I am weak but I am strong,
I am flawed, yet I am the best.
So you stay with them,
You enjoy the ability to be free.
Sit with her & fall for her,
Because you'll never fall for me.
I could go in circles for hours,
& still get to where I need to be,
& I may be alone, but there are many of me.
I have no label, no special group,
We duck under the covers of society.
No matter what you do,
No matter where you go, I'll still be here.
Always in sight,
But constantly out of reach.
I wish you could reach me,
I wish you could have me,
But I stay up here, swinging way up high,
Back & forth, back & forth.
Life will go on without you,
Because that's how the world works.
My world will spin without your adorable smile.
I am above, but I am below,
I am in bliss, but I am in agony.
You'll never know my full story,
but neither will I.
I am scared,
But I am the elephant in the room,
& you will never even know how many of us are here.

In My Dreams

Imagine it.

Us together.

I picture it all the time

You're always in my dreams

You & me.

We are best friends

WE're holding hands

The happiness overwhelms me

But I awake & it's me you hate

Goodness I wish to live is my dreams.

One day you're here,

The next you are gone

At this point I'm barely holding on

Can you see me?

Do you see that I'm faking a smile?

Maybe you could, but only in my dreams.

In reality, you don't see me

My face never even comes to mind

You don't care how much I struggle,

How much I wish I could change your mind

But wishing is really all I can do

When I'm in my dreams

I know everything will be okay

My mind is set at ease

Out there life is far too scary

& I don't know what to do

Even still, I want to be awake

Because in my dreams it's never real

Maybe I'm coming to, or maybe I'm dreaming

now I can see clearer than before

No matter how much I wish it, you're not mine

So I will keep my head above water

& in my dreams I will keep the vision of us.