Mr. Messy Pants. For the past 2 years for my birthday he has brought me a dozen roses & candy. Recently he's um ... done something with his hair ... let's just say if he comes again this year ... I may bust a gut. I honestly can't look at his picture without keeling over with laughter. I'm not really the kind of person to laugh at a person I really care about but ... it's just ... he is always saying that I'm the one for him, but he has no idea who I am nor I, him & I honestly can't be with some one who is as messy as Mr. Messy Pants. He's not just messy, but unpredictable. I know I'm trying to justify what I'm saying & that's mostly because the guy of my choice is kinda like Mr. Messy Pants. I don't want him to think that I don't value the darkness because I do, but I can't handle someone who sits in the darkness & rots on the inside.

I made it through dealing with my ex today. We even made small conversation. It was almost as if he were a person, rather than a machine. Huh.

The guy of my choice can't like me. He likes someone else. I can tell. Oh well I'll look amazing at Finale anyways.

So. I hate money. It causes so many different problems. Like prom. WHO THE HECK PAYS FOR PROM?!?!? Honestly I thought we all paid for ourselves but apparently not. See I got asked as friends ... at least I think so ... GAH! I hate money. I couldn't care less about who pays for who, or who has more money. Honestly I think it's all just too stressful. BUT I found a dress tonight. It makes me look like a princess. It's not green though ... Oh well ;) I know I've been gone a while, I've just been dealing with a lot. Last week I got suicidal ... mostly because of my meds & the weather & just the major suckage that was last week. I also went to the U.R. (Urgency room) last night & saw my surgeon today because I am having a reaction to the stitches they put in from my surgery. I'm looking forward to summer break. I need it. I just don't know how to get all my homework done, win the guy of my choice over, pass with all A's & keep my sanity. I don't think it'll all work that way. Hmmm ... well I'm off to bed. Pray for my grandma who is in ICU & that I find the strength to get it all done. ;)

Life. What a messed up crazy jumble of CHAOS!!!!!!!!! ... sorry. Mine is that. Insanity. My grandmother is dying, my cousin is having flash backs of her rape & is cutting herself, the guy of my choice can't decide whether or not he likes me, I shattered a frame yesterday by stepping on it, I left an hour early yesterday, I forgot the eggs in my house, I had a REALLY slow night for my job, I am in major pain, & one of my best friends is dealing with a break up. That & I've started a new medication that is making me EXTREMELY agitated. I am a mess. I could REALLY use the week end ... no the summer. Either that or for my life to slow the crap down. I'd love to live by myself. I really could do it. I've done it before. That would be the best. Being my own master. It sounds perfect. I am so independent. I can't hurt anyone if I'm alone. I need to get out of my head & into life. Gah. Well I'm done. Off to work on getting homework done.

Shy

On my face

Written there

One word

Shy.

One word

Written there

On my face.

Can you see it?

It's there

On my face

Written there

That one word

That simple word

Shy.

I am that word

Indirectly.

Hard

To hide the soft.

Loud

To disguise the quiet.

Fearless

To mask the fear.

Here.

On my face

Written here

Under the surface.

One word

The last word you'd think of

One word

Written here

On my face

Can you see it?

Shy.

Look At Me!

LOOK AT ME!

TALK TO ME!

I wish I could just write it on my face.

One day I'll write it on my forehead,

I am shy.

Shy, scared, afraid.

That's me.

What are you?

Who the Hell are you?

No more games.

No more settling.

I want love, I want peace.

What do you want?

Tell me, talk to me.

Look at me.

Would you like to write it on my face?

Loser, unwanted, regrettable.

You can see it on my face,

Uncertain, petrified, without love,

All over my face, arms, legs, torso.

LOOK AT ME!

WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME?!?

Find me.

Look for me in the mess of people.

Just look for the one alone in the crowd

The one girl who can be isolated while surrounded.

Believe me, I'm the only one like me

You will never find a girl like who I am.

Who are you?

From what I know I've met a million of you.

Can't you open your eyes & look at me?

Look at me!

Open your eyes & try to see me.

If you can't, then just tell me.

So boy update. I hate them. All of them. Well ... okay I don't but they suck. The guy of my choice is bad at texting ... aka he doesn't text me. Then, do you remember that butt munch I was complaining about a couple weeks ago? Yeah well he's back. It stinks. He is such a mess. He leaves & comes back every time. If only the man of my choice would do that ... ;) Messy Pants is irritating. I gave him my everything. My heart, my soul, my time, everything. & he blows it all up every time. Love. It tricks us, trips us, shoots us in the face, & then it picks us up & blows us up into the beauty of life. I am in such a state of messiness. I want love, I want to feel safe. I dreamt about meeting a guy & when he held me, my heart went crazy. It's been forever. Freshmen year. That was the last time I was actually held by a guy. Ironically it was Mr. Messy Pants. Not in the dream, but in real life. Okay I'm done complaining. I need to get out of this house.

She Is.

She is just a girl, a girl who gets lost

Along the path she treads she strays

Does that mean she's a slut?

No.

You can't pin a name to her, she defies stereo types.

Tease her, abuse her, destroy her

In the end, she'll rise above everything you did

Love her, take care of her, treat her with love

Only then will you see who she is.

I know that girl, I've seen her at her best

I've also seen her at her worst.

She's a beautiful mess

Afraid to open her heart to anyone

Loving only those she can trust

Never knowing who will keep her secrets

I love that girl, & I try to show her

Protecting her is all I want to do

Sometimes she doesn't listen to me

But I know she'll be okay

All I can do is just hope she knows,

How much I love her.

She is just a girl, & sometimes she loses her way

She's not a tramp, she's not a slut

That girl is a living soul, some one worth knowing

You can't stamp a label on her face

Nor can you take away her strength.

She is strong, she is beautiful

She has the world in the palm of her hand

But you, you've crushed her, smashed her.

Like a gorgeous horse, you have broken her.

I know one day she'll be fine

Fixing herself is what she's best at

She's not a slut, she's perfect, & I love her.