An Elf & An Oaf

On opposite ends of the universe
But I feel a charge
It forces me forward, pulls me beyond my niche
Do you feel it too
Or is this only in my mind?
You are an elf
It's the only way I can describe you.
Old but bright
Calm but sharp, too sharp
Who am I to prick my finger?
We belong on different planes
Parallel existences, never meant to touch
Yet I want to.
I want to know your wisdom,
Show you another world.
But I shouldn't, thus I don't.
Your elvish ways make my nose crinkle,
When you pay me attention, I flush.
How can I hide my attentions?
I am nothing, a child, a fool.
Existing separate from you
How could I have fallen prey?
Perhaps I'm too weak.
My idle mind has more time to consider this
I made believe of a connection
Across the oceans of time
Between an elf & an oaf
I care.
I shouldn't, but I do.
Cleverness is not my nature,
I have nothing to offer you.
Complete opposites, never meant to touch,
But I feel a charge.
It is pulling me to you.

Why Should It Matter?

Why should it matter?
Yes, I'm alone but I'm happy.
Who are you to ask me why I'm unattached?
How could it possibly influence you?
It doesn't.
There are more ways to measure strength.
Ways to comprehend the way I live my life
But they don't fit into your box.
Must be sad for you.
To fell the need to make everything singular.
Nothing about me has ever been cookie cut
Why should it matter?
I have no need for those things in my life
Scientists may say it'd be better,
But they can bend the facts however they choose.
My life is not yours to dictate.
I am happy the way things are.
Forcing things will do nothing.
Don't ask me those questions
Don't act as if you have the right to pry
My relationship status means absolutely nothing.
It does not measure my value,
It does not calculate my skill,
It is nothing more than a trait.
What should it matter?
Why do you look away as though it's shameful?
I may be without a date on a Saturday night,
But I have respect for myself
I'm not going to be with someone,
Just for the sake of being in a relationship
I'm not going to change myself
Just so I'd be more appealing to someone else.
Because at the end of the day,
The only opinion that matters is mine.
So why does it matter to you?

What Are We Doing?

What are we doing?
When you smile that smile at me, what does it mean?
Because I like you more than I ought to
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if you didn't encourage me.
How do you feel?
When I smile that smile at you do you feel it too?
The pull, the allure, the connection.
Or is that just all in my head?
You reach out like you want to touch me
I'm terrified of getting burned.
Is that why you never do?
This time apart is good, it gives me a chance to think
To clear my head from your elvish spell
Your smile is wicked, full of mischief,
I want to be a part of it.
But how?
What are we doing?
Stupid smiles, silly dreams.
I have no foundation for any of my claims.
Nothing but the pull.
Constant & real to me.
Luring me closer & closer to you
Close, but not close enough to touch.
I'm so afraid of you.
Because I shouldn't feel this way
Everyone tells me so
Yet I feel it growing everyday
I dream of us & the future.
Ridiculous & childish though that seems.
We have no place together,
So what are we doing?
Tempting fate, being fools,
Giving in to a force that appears bigger than me,
Or is this all just my own little dream?

Trying to Say Goodbye

I keep trying to say goodbye.

I force myself to close the door.

But without my knowing it opens back up.
It's all I want, but it's all I fear
Because saying goodbye means that it's over
And that's something that is all too difficult to accept.
I hate the deep dull ache that haunts every step
The slow motion tearing of my heart.
Every time I start trying to say goodbye
I feel like a load has been taken from me
But I'll smell his cologne somewhere
Or hear his name called in a crowded room
I realize the weight isn't gone
It's always been there
I keep trying to say goodbye
But it's the last thing I want
Because he always came back
Even when I didn't want him to
He came back
I want him, I've always wanted him
How can I give up if he could return?
I love him.
I've spent my whole life believing that would be enough
But it's not.
Love will never be enough.
So I'm burning his letters
The ones I wrote when he was gone
Burn the pictures of us & the ones he drew
Let them all go up in flames.
Because waiting for him is killing me.
I'm done trying, so I will do.
Goodbye Handsome, thanks for everything.

Written Winter 2013

Ourselves

It happens to all of us.
The sudden shutter of the world we built.
Eventually we all witness the destruction.
Finding ourselves with nothing but that,
Ourselves.
A fair few of us will find peace there.
The rest of us will believe we've been left with nothing.
But it's a lie.
We have one thing,
Ourselves.
What does that mean to you?
To know that you will always have yourself,
Even if the world ends we will have us.
The most beautiful & power force.
Ourselves.
Does that scare you?
Fill you with dread?
Why?
Because of everyone in the world, who are we hardest on?
Ourselves.
One day you'll find a shadow behind your eyes,
Passion will leave you cold & exhausted.
Everything that once was second nature becomes a struggle
We are on our own with none other than,
Ourselves.
You will not like what you see,
The face that once was yours to share is only yours.
No make up, no touch ups, no botox or plastic surgery.
Just us reflected back to us.
Ourselves.
So make the choice.
Love yourself.
Otherwise, when it's just you, you will be alone.

I'm So Sorry

I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for the lies.
For the bad attitude everyday.
All the things I said I'd do but never did.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to walk out alive.
For not having the will to thrive
All your tough love didn't prepare me enough.
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry for not being enough
For not being so sure & then not at all
All my dreams died with the leafs.
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry for disappointing you
For falling short of your expectations
All the while wasting my time.
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry I didn't have the will to fight
For not knowing how to ask for help
All I really want is support.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry I was too afraid to say goodbye
For letting him win my spirit.
All I wanted was for him to come back.
I'm so sorry,
I'm sorry I don't know how to communicate
For all the horrible things I've said
All I was trying to do was make you listen.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for wanting out
For pushing you away from me.
All the times I've made you miss.
I'm so sorry,
I'm sorry for my resentment, for my anger.
For all those backhanded comments.
For everything I did to hurt you the way I was hurting.
I'm so sorry.

But I'm also thankful.
So thankful for the life you made possible.
Thank you.
Thank you for the gift of music.
Thank you for the gift of teaching.
Thank you for the gift of health.
Thank you for the passion for independence.
Thank you for the passion for life.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Forgive me.
I love you.

Dedicated to my parents.

Reference Point

It doesn’t stop.

When you think of pain, you think of him.

Even if the pain has long since gone,

You still dwell on that time when he split you in two.

It’s a reference point.

For the lowest point in your life.

It doesn’t stop.

When you think of happiness, you think of him.

Even though he has since broken you,

You still recall the way his smile made your day.

It’s a reference point.

For the greatest time of your life.

It doesn’t stop.

When you think of love, you think of him.

Even when you’ve said goodbye to your heart,

You still linger on that feeling of pure security.

It’s a reference point.

For the most evocative chapter in your life.

But remember.

Your life has only just begun.

That love will not be the last.

It may have been the first but others will come.

One day, he will no longer be your reference point.

It’s not a crime to loiter on the past.

Referring to him doesn’t mean you still feel that way.

It just means he is all you’ve known so far.

Don’t allow him that power.

For he left.

He is nothing but a reference point.

A cold, dead memory.

It may feel like reality, but it is nothing but memory.

Never forget.

It may not stop,

But neither do you.

Some day, you’ll have a new reference point.