Starting Anew

Happy Valentine's Day guys. The guy I allowed into my life further than I have let any other guy celebrated with his girl friend today ... he made her a video. Blah. He played me, whatever. Today I discovered that trying to be someone else makes you miss your bus & uncomfortable all day & cold. It's not worth it. So tomorrow I start over. No more silly obnoxious attention needer. I need to stop being the annoying & pathetic person I've become. I look & listen to myself & all I see & hear are things I don't want to be. So here's to a new start. Who cares if I'm just the back up plan? At least they know they have someone to turn to & that's all they can ask for. I'm going to be okay, I really am. & so is everyone else. Everything is going to be fine. God has got my back & he'll never leave me for someone better ;) I don't need a boy, I need a man & no one I know is a man right now. Logan is arrogant, Isaac is a mess, Michael ... he played me & there's nothing for it. Tomorrow I start a new. Now I'm off to help my mom & then off to sleepy-bye land where I can fly & sit by the ocean with a real man. Farewell!

My Life is a Mess

I have a bunch of poems that I'm going to post but I'm in my basement on an old bed wrapped in a quilt & I'm far too comfortable to move. A lot has gone on & I know there's a lot that I've learned. First & foremost that I am the best friend. A guy may come along & make me smile too much & make me feel so happy but at the end of the day, he'll find someone else who is prettier & better. Also that I just have to butch up & deal with the pain. I feel so lost. I've been single for 2 years & it's getting harder & harder. I want stuff. Stuff to take up my time. A Mac Book, a camera, my own room, a studio, a beau. Lots of things. I want to have a car & a show & to never leave the dance floor. I want it to just be me with music playing & me dancing all day long. I want to show the world my talents & my goals. I want people to me for me, but no one is willing to pay attention to my life. No one is listening to me. I don't know how to fix things in my life when I have no control. I let people use me because I don't want to lose the things I want most. My parents, the boys, some friends. I just don't know how to do this. I have no power over my life. It's scary & depressing & awful. I'll write more later when I'm less distracted & less depressed. There's too much going on to type here.

Single

It didn't work out the way I had hoped

He too is gone.

I wish I knew what I ought to do

To convince someone that I'm worth sticking around for.

Time & time again, they come, they go.

I stand looking out my window

For someone to take the weight off my shoulders.

Maybe I'll stay single.

Forever.

I'm giving up hope, locking the door.

Not going to try, not going to let them break me anymore.

One day he'll come up to me & hold my hand.

Or it'll just be God & I, until the very end.

I Like That You Make Me Smile

I can't help it, you make me smile

Unlike the other guys in my life

Not only that, but you're always there

Everything about you says "I don't care!"

You're weird & you wear it so well

I like you, you've won my heart

Whether or not you'll take it doesn't seem to matter

I'm not obsessed which is a nice change

No offense but you're not the only thing on my mind

The things you say have no hidden meaning

Around you I'm always at ease

Because I'm not worried about your judgement.

I'm no so worried about making you mine.

Just about keeping you as my friend.

We work so well together, you're never too serious

But most of all the things I like, I like that you make me smile.

You never change the way you act

In some company & in others.

You're also deep & think a lot which means that you can listen.

Life for you is a slow dance & I wish someday I'll cut in

But for now I'm fine with how things are.

Complicated doesn't seem to fit you

Labels just roll right off you

When you're with me I forget everything else

Those deep eyes of yours are close to swallowing me whole

Each time they meet mine I feel so warm

As if I've been wrapped in a warm quilt

Do you do this to every girl you happen to meet

Or have I simply won the jackpot?

Time will tell what happens from here

But I don't care as long, as we're still friends

You can tell me it won't work for us

Just as long as you keep making me smile

Because most of all the things I like about you,

I like that you make me smile.

Just a Feeling

Something about you feels so right.

The sound of your voice, the feel of your stare

I don't feel the need to prove myself to you.

Complications don't seem to exist here for us.

You don't want to date, I can always wait

As long as I can be your friend

My whole life I've waited for someone like you

The kind of guy who isn't going girl crazy.

I'm not going to build myself up

So you can never pull me down

But I'll always be here, a friend.

What are you looking for in me?

I'm not the type to hurt you

Pain is exactly the opposite of what I want for you

You're the only one who made me smile first.

Sing to me, in your deep warm voice.

Talk to me in your funny accents.

Laugh at me as you see me acting funny.

Can't you feel it too? The way we work?

I feel so good sitting next to you talking to me.

Do you feel it too?

We aren't the same, but that's what works

The fact that we are so different.

You understand me, I understand you

So I'll wait as long as I need to

As long as it takes for you to feel this too.

Feel the way we work so well

To know that we can make it together

Life may get me down sometimes

But I'll always be here to be your friend

Please let me know how you're feeling

Because I want to get to know you

You make me feel like I have a chance at a better life.

I'll Be Fine

Please don't doubt my strength now

Not when I need you most to go

Believe me, I'll be fine when you leave me

Just make sure it's not a show

I can stand on my own two feet

That's all I've done my whole life

Honest I can do it just pack up & go.

Look at yourself, who are you to tell me what to do?

You're just another one of those people

One who has to make themselves feel good

No matter the cost to anyone else.

I've been fine, honest I have, ever since I've been alone

Who are you to doubt my skill now?

Just because we live different lives doesn't mean you're better

It's not about that, at least not for me

All this time it's been about me gaining my own life.

Not about competing to see who is more busy.

Please act your age, be my mother, not a school rival.

Let me go mom, I'll be fine.

He made mistakes, put his love in a game

Forgetting what it's like to be with real live people.

I'm not your son, nor am I out to make your life Hell,

The only purpose I serve is to fix what has been broken.

As for treating me like I'm five, you know better

Give these things to my siblings, they're the ones who need it.

Mom, look at me, straight in the eyes.

What about these eyes give you reason to fear me?

Why do you feel the need to fight me?

Go mom, just go & get out

To many times have you broken those promises

I need you to leave, to get help

Because I don't need you.

I would be way further if you hadn't ran your own agenda.

Please mom.

Let me go.

I'll be fine.

Things I Miss

I miss being held by a boy

I miss feeling joy

& days filled with chalk

I miss being able to just simply talk.

I miss having guy friends

I miss feeling special when the day ends

I miss drinking tea

& how funny it was to really have to pee.

I miss watching the buses go around & around

& I miss the wind, the touch, the feel, the sound.

I miss sleeping in on a cold wintery day

& also spending time to just play.

Is it bad that I miss telling lies?

I miss all of those happy-go-lucky good-byes.

I miss flying way up in the sky

& I miss not having to ask why.

I miss the innocence of our minds

& the love shown in all different shapes & kinds.

I miss being able to just throw a fit

Not caring if the reason is legit.

I miss not having to grow up

& I miss drinking from a sippy cup

I miss so much not feeling scared

When talking to older kids was being prepared.

I hate the fact that I miss seeing you

Being without you makes me blue

I miss having an older brother to talk to.

When name calling was the worst I could do.

I miss knowing that someone will always be there

& I miss especially not having to care.

But of all the things that I miss a lot

There is one person I miss most without any thought,

He is the person I leaned on most too

What I guess I'm trying to say, is that I miss you.