The Things He'll Never Know

He'll never know how hard I cried after he hung up the phone.
How after that, I stopped crying altogether.
How long it took for me to start to feel again
That it was almost right before he contacted me.
He'll never know the wreck he left behind him.
The fact I still have to fight to wake up in the morning.
How I couldn't get myself into class because I wasn't good enough after him.
I could never be good enough ever again.
He'll never know I was almost gone.
I almost ended everything because I couldn't take the pain.
How everyday was a gamble to see if that would be the day
The day I left the world behind.
He'll never know that after all this time I kept my promise.
Always & forever means something to me
How betrayed I felt when I realized "I love you" never meant a thing.
He'll never know how long I waited for him to come back.
How I still worry about him every single day.
That never could I ever hate him.
Not for one day did I blame him.
He'll never know how I hate myself since then.
The pit in my stomach I feel every time I see myself.
Because I couldn't keep him.
He'll never know I wish he had never contacted me
To still be free of this weight on my chest that's come back.
The way I shook the moment I saw his name on my phone after so long
The way my heart aches at the thought of his face.
Everyday since he did I've felt stuck in a nightmare.
He'll never know how selfish that was.
How long it'll take me to get over this too.
That I cannot resist him in anything.
That I would've done anything to make him happy.
He'll never know that he is a drug to me.
A poison I will perish under the influence.
The regret I hold in my heart is letting him in.
Loving him, planning a future with him.
He'll never know how close I was to being over this.
I was moving on with my life,
Finding peace & quiet in my heart for the first time.
Slowly learning to love myself again.
He'll never know that I still love him.
Not the same way, never again the same way.
But I do.
Always have, always will.

Living

It's like they all say
The world is an unknown, crazy place.
Don't leave that which you know,
Stick to your own.
I didn't.
I left.
I chose to live rather than die.
Death was inevitable.
It was sneaking up on me, slowly caressing me
Passing me in a car,
Tickling me in a pill bottle.
Whispering sweet nothings to me as a cleaned a knife.
Death knew how to woo me,
How to suggest our affair.
I could see it in my eyes & skin.
Deeper than anyone around me knew.
So I left.
It's like they all say.
Just stick to it, everything will work out
Keep on plugging
It'll get better, you don't mean that.
But I did.
& it didn't.
I decided it was time to change.
Change is a gift.
Though everyone will say it's not.
Sometimes college isn't the answer.
At least not right away,
I did something else.
Changed.
But that didn't save me.
Nothing can save you unless you save yourself.
You can only lean on yourself.
It's like they all say.
If you work hard enough, anything is possible.
Keep on track.
Don't get distracted.
I did.
I fell in & out of love.
I allowed myself to see things.
Because that's what life is about.
When Death is at your back,
When you feel exiled from the rest of the world
When they tell you it's up to you,
Take time.
We are young, we are strong, we are real.
School & work won't always prepare you for living.
Sure, I still feel the weight of the world on my back.
But I'm alive.
I know that despite all odds, I will live.
Because I have.
& I am.
Death had me in its bed.
It had me filled with promises of peace.
No more stress, no more pain.
Just silence.
When you've lost your love,
All your reasons for going on,
You'll know the dangers of Death's voice.
I almost gave in.
But despite what, "they all" said, I survived.
I can make it through anything
It's like they all say,
The world is a crazy, unknown place.
The only way to make it,
Is to live, to discover.
Then the world becomes your home.

Mirrors

How many times have you looked into the mirror today?

10 times? Maybe 20?

Or maybe it was just once.

Of all those times, how many times did you look at you?

I can guess.

You haven't.

We look at our zits or our make up

We look at our clothes & our accessories,

Can you see the welting pimple?

How about my bra strap?

Will I look fat in this shirt?

Are these pants too tight?

Can you remember the last time you saw yourself?

Just you.

The last time you looked into your eyes & saw you.

Your soul, your essence, your self.

I'm guessing some of you can.

Some of you may think you have, but haven't.

You've looked in the mirror & seen only what you aren't.

Not perfect, not good enough, no desirable,

But what are you?

It's hard.

So hard to see ourselves for what we are

Hard, but not impossible.

You are more.

So much more.

How many times have you looked into the mirror & seen beyond?

Beyond the world, beyond your pain & joy?

Maybe you've just seen beyond the present.

How often have you believed it?

I haven't seen it in a very long time.

But I live on the knowledge that inside of me there is more.

So much more.

We can do anything.

Will it be easy?

No, but nothing worth anything is.

You are more than a boy or a girl or a they.

You are more than any sexuality.

You are more than any of the identities out there.

You are you.

Flawed & grasping at life.

So try.

Each & every day I want you to try.

I will too.

Work to see yourself beyond what you think you should see.

Transcend above the shame & criticism.

Look past those mirrors filled with rolls & cellulite.

See more than the superficial appearance you see.

None of that matters unless you decide it does.

Mirrors will tell you nothing more & nothing less than what you allow.

Forget what they say.

Until you love yourself, you won't be seen. 

You Are Gone.

You are gone.
I wasn't aware that you were leaving.
Was it suicide?
Did you decide it was time?
I wish I'd known.
I wish I could have been there.
You gave me music.
You gave me magic & a portal into another world.
I never really got the chance to thank you.
I never got the chance to let you know how much I love you.
How much I admire the life you chose.
How generous, kind, & selfless you were.
When everyone was ashamed of me,
It was only you who made me feel welcome.
But now you are gone.
Never to return.
I pray you went straight to Heaven
You were a Saint.
Giving your life & your love to those around you.
You chose to love us rather than make your own family.
I wish I could be what you were.
Selfless, holy, pure, good.
We miss you.
More than there are words.
But you are at peace.
The pain is gone & you can move.
You have control of your life again.
For that I am grateful.
I just wish I could have said good bye.
& thank you,
For the love, for the music, for your smiles.
For respecting my choices.
May you rest in the peace you deserve.
You are gone, but you are with me everywhere.

R.I.P. Aunt

That Girl

There is a girl I know.
She spends all her time hanging around me.
From the moment I wake up,
Until the moment I fall asleep, she's there.
I cannot stand this girl.
She hogs the mirror, complaining about her looks
She doesn't quite fit my clothes, but insists on wearing them
If I really want something, she will sabotage me
I hate this girl
When I have things I need to get done,
She will waste my time with trivial matters.
Anytime I try to better myself, she finds a way to ruin it
This girl is ruining my life
No matter how I try, I can't make her leave.
She won't give up, won't give me a moment's rest
Even if I run away she's right behind me
How can I lose what appears to be my own shadow
This girl is a parasite.
As soon as I open my mouth, her words come out
She is clumsy, awkward, & incompetent.
Her stupidity overshadows my cleverness.
She is the reason no one takes me seriously.
I sometimes wish this girl were dead.
This girl who steals my time.
This girl who won't give me a moment's rest.
This girl who cannot function.
This girl is who I see when I look at my reflection.
I am that girl.
That girl who gave up everything because of a broken heart.
That girl who isn't good enough.
That girl who won't make the effort to be better.
That girl with all these flaws,
She is me.

Let Them

Let the children play,
Let them make believe.
If he wants to be a princess, let him.
If she wants to be a super hero, let her.
Let them leap from rock to rock,
Battling the invisible demons that surround them.
Goodness knows they'll be doing so the rest of their lives.
Let them giggle with their friends,
Let them play in the park.
What are skinned knees, but lessons learned?
Soon enough there will be deeper cuts you cannot tend.
Let the children play.
Let them dream the day through.
If there are mud pies to be made, let them.
If there are dragons to be slain, let them.
Let them explore the enormous world around us,
Discovering that which brings them joy.
Help them grow outward instead of inward.
They'll do that all on their own.
Let them make mistakes,
Let them be too silly.
What harm can be done by a little embarrassment?
Life is made up of silly slips & enormous mess ups.
Let the children play,
Let them be happy.
If they want to be silent, let them.
If they want to be crazy, let them.
Let them seek the way they are,
Finding the pieces that make up a person.
Best it happens now than when they're all grown up.
Let them be themselves.
Who cares what anyone else says?
What right does anyone have to dictate who they are?
Let the children be children.
Don't force them to grow up too fast.
Because soon enough you'll see the damage that will do.

An Elf & An Oaf

On opposite ends of the universe
But I feel a charge
It forces me forward, pulls me beyond my niche
Do you feel it too
Or is this only in my mind?
You are an elf
It's the only way I can describe you.
Old but bright
Calm but sharp, too sharp
Who am I to prick my finger?
We belong on different planes
Parallel existences, never meant to touch
Yet I want to.
I want to know your wisdom,
Show you another world.
But I shouldn't, thus I don't.
Your elvish ways make my nose crinkle,
When you pay me attention, I flush.
How can I hide my attentions?
I am nothing, a child, a fool.
Existing separate from you
How could I have fallen prey?
Perhaps I'm too weak.
My idle mind has more time to consider this
I made believe of a connection
Across the oceans of time
Between an elf & an oaf
I care.
I shouldn't, but I do.
Cleverness is not my nature,
I have nothing to offer you.
Complete opposites, never meant to touch,
But I feel a charge.
It is pulling me to you.