Like Her

I don't want to be like her.
I don't want to make you wait
I don't want to leave you out in the cold
No broken promises, no mixed messages
I don't want to hurt you like she did
You are my world.
There are no other guys, no one but you.
When I say those stupid things
I flinch at your recoil
Because I don't want to be her.
I hope you never hate me like you hate her.
That is my biggest fear
I don't want to mess this up
So I keep my phone in my hand
Just to be sure I don't miss you
When I make you wait I can't breathe.
I don't want to be her
Never do I want to break your heart
Because if I do, I'll be break mine too
Getting your texts are the best parts of my day.
Staying up to talk to you is a joy
But I feel like if I didn't, you'd leave.
I'm so used to conditional love
Fearing what'll happen if I make a mistake
I don' want to be her
I want you to hear my name & smile
Please be patient with me
Because I mess up a lot
Constantly tripping over my own feet
Saying the wrong thing every time.
I am afraid of losing you
You are the one guy I've always wanted
So I never want to be like her.

Written on February 21, 2012

Minor Update

I've been suffering with Depression for 8 months now & only recently have I come to the realization that it's kicking my butt. I just can't seem to get past certain things that have happened to me. Do you ever feel that way? If you read my blog, enjoy anything on here & you agree, or it speaks to you, please feel free to comment. Not only would it mean a lot to me, but it would be fantastic to help me grow as a writer. We're all in this together, we're all just a bunch of beautiful masses swirling around this place we call earth. No, it may not feel beautiful, but it is. Maybe someday soon I'll be able to see past the rain.
Keep strong, & let me know what's on your mind!

Depression

The rain keeps on falling.
Nothing can stop it.
No film, no piece of literature,
No companion, nor random encounter.
Only endless rain, day in & day out.
Sometimes you can forget,
When you're in the arms of a loved one,
Or maybe in your dreams where life is fixed.
War is gone, his love is back, no stress, no pain.
But you wake up, & the rain is beating on your window.
Drowning you slowly, like water torture.
The worst part about the rain,
Is that no one else can feel it.
The constant down pour is undetectable to the rest of the world.
With the rain comes isolation
Stifling any hope from your heart.
Eventually the rain becomes habitual.
A time before it cannot be recalled.
By that point, help feels irrelevant.
As the rain rolls down your skin,
Life becomes a pretense, laden with lies.
It's not intentional, it just happens.
The words slip out to avoid a thunderstorm.
Every moment in the rain removes the life from you
Desperation to remove the pain
Morphs the goals you once had.
Instead you simply struggle to survive.
All the losses suffered, haunting every breath,
Curing the agony alone is impossible,
But that doesn't stop you from trying.
Superficial sunshine is so easy to find
Addiction is inevitable.
Anything to escape the rain.
But no matter how hard you try,
No matter how long you stay in bed,
You can watch hours of animations & sketches,
Or spend your days shopping for things you don't need.
In the end, it's all short term,
The rain will outlast it all.