Trying to Say Goodbye

I keep trying to say goodbye.

I force myself to close the door.

But without my knowing it opens back up.
It's all I want, but it's all I fear
Because saying goodbye means that it's over
And that's something that is all too difficult to accept.
I hate the deep dull ache that haunts every step
The slow motion tearing of my heart.
Every time I start trying to say goodbye
I feel like a load has been taken from me
But I'll smell his cologne somewhere
Or hear his name called in a crowded room
I realize the weight isn't gone
It's always been there
I keep trying to say goodbye
But it's the last thing I want
Because he always came back
Even when I didn't want him to
He came back
I want him, I've always wanted him
How can I give up if he could return?
I love him.
I've spent my whole life believing that would be enough
But it's not.
Love will never be enough.
So I'm burning his letters
The ones I wrote when he was gone
Burn the pictures of us & the ones he drew
Let them all go up in flames.
Because waiting for him is killing me.
I'm done trying, so I will do.
Goodbye Handsome, thanks for everything.

Written Winter 2013

Ourselves

It happens to all of us.
The sudden shutter of the world we built.
Eventually we all witness the destruction.
Finding ourselves with nothing but that,
Ourselves.
A fair few of us will find peace there.
The rest of us will believe we've been left with nothing.
But it's a lie.
We have one thing,
Ourselves.
What does that mean to you?
To know that you will always have yourself,
Even if the world ends we will have us.
The most beautiful & power force.
Ourselves.
Does that scare you?
Fill you with dread?
Why?
Because of everyone in the world, who are we hardest on?
Ourselves.
One day you'll find a shadow behind your eyes,
Passion will leave you cold & exhausted.
Everything that once was second nature becomes a struggle
We are on our own with none other than,
Ourselves.
You will not like what you see,
The face that once was yours to share is only yours.
No make up, no touch ups, no botox or plastic surgery.
Just us reflected back to us.
Ourselves.
So make the choice.
Love yourself.
Otherwise, when it's just you, you will be alone.