He'll never know how hard I cried after he hung up the phone.
How after that, I stopped crying altogether.
How long it took for me to start to feel again
That it was almost right before he contacted me.
He'll never know the wreck he left behind him.
The fact I still have to fight to wake up in the morning.
How I couldn't get myself into class because I wasn't good enough after him.
I could never be good enough ever again.
He'll never know I was almost gone.
I almost ended everything because I couldn't take the pain.
How everyday was a gamble to see if that would be the day
The day I left the world behind.
He'll never know that after all this time I kept my promise.
Always & forever means something to me
How betrayed I felt when I realized "I love you" never meant a thing.
He'll never know how long I waited for him to come back.
How I still worry about him every single day.
That never could I ever hate him.
Not for one day did I blame him.
He'll never know how I hate myself since then.
The pit in my stomach I feel every time I see myself.
Because I couldn't keep him.
He'll never know I wish he had never contacted me
To still be free of this weight on my chest that's come back.
The way I shook the moment I saw his name on my phone after so long
The way my heart aches at the thought of his face.
Everyday since he did I've felt stuck in a nightmare.
He'll never know how selfish that was.
How long it'll take me to get over this too.
That I cannot resist him in anything.
That I would've done anything to make him happy.
He'll never know that he is a drug to me.
A poison I will perish under the influence.
The regret I hold in my heart is letting him in.
Loving him, planning a future with him.
He'll never know how close I was to being over this.
I was moving on with my life,
Finding peace & quiet in my heart for the first time.
Slowly learning to love myself again.
He'll never know that I still love him.
Not the same way, never again the same way.
But I do.
Always have, always will.
