Thursday, June 30, 2011
Oh goodness. SO. There's a guy. I'll call him Al for my own reasons. I've had an on & off crush on the since freshmen year, LONG before anyone else ever even THOUGHT about him in a way other than "OH MY GOODNESS THIS DUDE IS SO FREAKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!" ... then he became out of bounds for me sophomore year & basically he will be out of bounds for me, for the rest of my life. Of course that doesn't stop the fact that I still have this VERY small crush on him. It's sticky, but believe me when I say Al is OUT OF FREAKING BOUNDS!!!!!!!!!!! I can't touch the guy. No siree. I don't know why I'm saying this because I don't LIKE him like him. I mean I think about him a lot but ... I wouldn't go out of my way to be with him. I guess this has just been bothering me. Besides, Bob is still on my mind more than any other guy. GAH!!! I'm hopeless I know. ;) He's crushing out on my best friend & that's cool. I'll still keep hoping the new family moving in a few houses up will have an attractive single senior. ;) Yepperdoodle I am indeed a dreamer.
Monday, June 27, 2011
I Am A Star
I am a star
You will see me & fall in love.
Then I'm gone, out of sight.
By the time I am back, you have moved on.
Come back, I'll always come back
Time & time again but you won't be there
Love, I know I am a mess
When I'm gone you don't notice I'm missing.
I am a star.
I will see you & fall in love with your smile
My heart won't forget you,
Not in a million years.
One day I'll return, but you'll be gone.
Time will pass & you'll see me from a distance
Smiling at you with my whole being
You'll have no idea who I am.
I am a star.
Beneath this messy facade, there's a falling ball of fire
Cascading down the sky, bringing the darkness light.
Above the surface you can't see it, I can't feel it.
But it's there, if only I knew how to release it.
Then you'd see me, everyone would see me
See me for me, not the mess I appear to be.
Until then, I will be a fallen star.
I am a star.
A secret silent star no one can see.
Some days I can feel it, boiling below the surface.
No matter what I do, I can't make it bubble up
I am plain as the grass on the ground
Even still there is something there,
I can feel it, like a magical force.
But I am just a silent star that no one can see.
Destined to wait for some one who can.
Monday, June 20, 2011
In My Own Little World.
This is another essay from last year's English class, I thought I'd share it.
There exists a world above the chaos we feel. A place I can escape to when the world takes everything I posses to cope with. It thrives away from the hustle and bustle of cities but in the depths of a forest. No one can take away from this beautifully peaceful world; it exists solely for me. I climb a tree to see everything as far as possible. I run through clouds all around me, like a quilt that wraps a baby in warmth. I get lost on the sky so large it seems to swallow me whole. I stand on the tip of the mountain absorbing the colors on the horizon. This world is a place where I always belong and I find my peace.
As I climb the tree I see a bird flying all alone. I wonder if it feels as lonely as it looks, as if the world leaves it to wander without anyone who reaches out to help. How long the journey must last for such a small animal. As I watch the bird pass, I wonder how it feels to fly, to feel the wind blow as I fly above everything else. I no longer walk down on the earth, but soar on top of the clouds. The way I see the world changes as I picture myself in the air, I now get a real “bird’s eye view”. I make no sounds as I fly; I leave no traces of life. No one sees me as I swoop low to catch a fish in my beak. No one bothers with a bird.
Now I run through the clouds leaving waves and swirls of clouds in my wake. All that separates me from the insanity of reality are these clouds. Translucent, light, and wispy, the clouds part as I rush through; proving to myself how easily reached this dwelling is. I find it so hard to reach this place while clouds keep me away. Maybe if I become a child, getting here might prove easier to achieve. So I run freely and laugh until my sides ache; I roll around and play until I drop with exhaustion. I shout for the whole world to hear me, letting it know nothing stops me from living my life. Then I reach this place quicker than a wink and nothing stands in my way.
I look up to a sky that engulfs my senses in the glorified enormity of it. I lie on the ground and let go of all feeling, simply focusing on breathing. Too often I allow my thoughts to control my day, stressing me out to the point when I want to explode. I never realize how small I am until I face the sky. Everyday we blow things out of proportion; we make mountains out of molehills, we sweat the small stuff. I never tell myself to stop feeling upset when others deal with conditions far worse than mine. I let my feelings go and exist in just that moment, not worrying about what happens next, because God handles that.
I stand up from where I lay; I notice that I stand at the top of a mountain. The whole world at my feet, the sky high above me, and the horizon looking me square in the eyes. No one sees the future, but I saw my entire life spread before me. I saw hope and love. I saw pain and destruction. I saw life and I saw death. Nothing stood out, no events, no actions, just life. No matter how hard I find it to reach this place of serenity, no matter how much I focus on little details, my life will go on. Nothing matters but living. Life only improves; nothing stops the process of life. I control how I live; no one chooses it for me. No matter how I feel like someone controls my life, ultimately I make the choices in my life. Life goes on, with or without me; I make the choice to enjoy the ride.
There exists a world above the chaos we feel. A place I can escape to when the world takes everything I posses to cope with. It thrives away from the hustle and bustle of cities but in the depths of a forest. No one can take away from this beautifully peaceful world; it exists solely for me. I climb a tree to see everything as far as possible. I run through clouds all around me, like a quilt that wraps a baby in warmth. I get lost on the sky so large it seems to swallow me whole. I stand on the tip of the mountain absorbing the colors on the horizon. This world is a place where I always belong and I find my peace.
As I climb the tree I see a bird flying all alone. I wonder if it feels as lonely as it looks, as if the world leaves it to wander without anyone who reaches out to help. How long the journey must last for such a small animal. As I watch the bird pass, I wonder how it feels to fly, to feel the wind blow as I fly above everything else. I no longer walk down on the earth, but soar on top of the clouds. The way I see the world changes as I picture myself in the air, I now get a real “bird’s eye view”. I make no sounds as I fly; I leave no traces of life. No one sees me as I swoop low to catch a fish in my beak. No one bothers with a bird.
Now I run through the clouds leaving waves and swirls of clouds in my wake. All that separates me from the insanity of reality are these clouds. Translucent, light, and wispy, the clouds part as I rush through; proving to myself how easily reached this dwelling is. I find it so hard to reach this place while clouds keep me away. Maybe if I become a child, getting here might prove easier to achieve. So I run freely and laugh until my sides ache; I roll around and play until I drop with exhaustion. I shout for the whole world to hear me, letting it know nothing stops me from living my life. Then I reach this place quicker than a wink and nothing stands in my way.
I look up to a sky that engulfs my senses in the glorified enormity of it. I lie on the ground and let go of all feeling, simply focusing on breathing. Too often I allow my thoughts to control my day, stressing me out to the point when I want to explode. I never realize how small I am until I face the sky. Everyday we blow things out of proportion; we make mountains out of molehills, we sweat the small stuff. I never tell myself to stop feeling upset when others deal with conditions far worse than mine. I let my feelings go and exist in just that moment, not worrying about what happens next, because God handles that.
I stand up from where I lay; I notice that I stand at the top of a mountain. The whole world at my feet, the sky high above me, and the horizon looking me square in the eyes. No one sees the future, but I saw my entire life spread before me. I saw hope and love. I saw pain and destruction. I saw life and I saw death. Nothing stood out, no events, no actions, just life. No matter how hard I find it to reach this place of serenity, no matter how much I focus on little details, my life will go on. Nothing matters but living. Life only improves; nothing stops the process of life. I control how I live; no one chooses it for me. No matter how I feel like someone controls my life, ultimately I make the choices in my life. Life goes on, with or without me; I make the choice to enjoy the ride.
Friends: The Experience of a Lifetime.
This is an essay of the story about when all my friends betrayed me; when they all talked about me behind my back. It's the day I grew up.
“Dear Alicia, You are a crybaby. You always follow us and we are sick of having to have you around all the time. You’re okay sometimes but most of the time you’re really annoying and stupid. Maybe you should just try and grow up. Don’t take this the wrong way but we don’t really want to be your friends anymore. We’re just sick of having to deal with you!” As my eyes left that small piece of paper, I could feel her eyes on me. I whipped my head around so she could not see my face screwed up to stop the tears from falling. I could not cry, not here at Girl Scouts. Not in front of her, not after I have just read the note she and Shanice had written to me.
“I didn’t write all of it! Only that small part about how you should grow up a little!” Shaadiah said in defense after seeing the agony on my face. I tried to believe her. She had always been my friend, why would she want to see me fall apart into a million pieces. Why would the girl who bounced up to me her eyes glowing, hair swishing, and feet dancing, in kindergarten wanting to be my first ever real friend, want to take the shining world she had created with me, and throw it on the ground to smash at my feet?
I went home and cried. My world, my shining globe of wonderfulness was shattered and I was walking on it with my bare feet. My mom put on her mother face and asked me what was wrong. I let my anger fly. I showed her the note; I made my voice hoarse from my screams. My older brother basked in my hurt, laughing as if this was the best day of his life. I ran away from his taunting voice that confirmed all that my best friends had said about me. I sat in my room. I tore myself into little tiny pieces, and I yelled at myself in my thoughts. I hoped the sun would not rise in the morning, anything to not have to face them. The girls I called my sisters, the girls I gave my entire self to and who proceeded to use me as target practice.
Against my wishes, the sun did rise and I awoke to a beautiful morning. The birds were singing, the sun reflected off the dew, making everything sparkle. I forgot just for a moment what had happened the night before, but once I remembered I wanted to yell at the birds for singing. I wanted to tell them to stop being so cheerful, and make the clouds cover the sun. As I got ready for school, I kept hoping rain would fall from the sky. Anything but the taunting sunshine that wanted me to be happy.
When I got on the bus, I sat in the far back and pulled my hood over my head. I did not talk to Shanice on the bus; all I did was throw her the coldest look I could muster, and then buried my head back into my hood. Once we arrived at school, I bolted to class but Shanice caught up to me. She took me aside, obviously confused at how I could be so angry.
“Alicia, Shaadiah wrote most of the note I only wrote the part that said you are a little annoying!” She said as Shaadiah came up.
“No, you wrote most of it! Don’t lie!” Shaadiah shouted. They began to bicker like two little kids who did not want to get in trouble for breaking a window. They tried to get me to choose sides.
“I don’t know who to believe anymore,” I retorted, as I looked them straight in the eyes. Then I turned around and stalked off to class. I felt numb, like I had been outside shoveling and could not feel anything.
Later in class, our teacher Ms. Splinter asked Shaadiah, Shanice, and I to go out into the hallway with her. My mom had called and told on us. We sat out there in the hallway with the shiny floors the florescent lights above us, next to the lockers with our classmate’s names on them. The dirt on the floor dug into any part of my body that was exposed, like sand paper, and I was very cold. That was probably because I was crying again. We sat and talked for what seemed like days, and eventually my globe was put back together and began to shine once again. But something had changed; I did not need Shaadiah or Shanice anymore. I loved them, but my globe did not orbit around them, they became my equals; I did not follow them like a puppy. I would not let them walk all over me. No, they had taught me that to get respect, I have to give it, but I have to respect myself first.
The only reason I was so shy, was because I had been hiding who I was from everyone else. When I had shown myself to others they had hurt me, so I locked myself up. Shaadiah opened me up and I let her see a bit of me. As we became better friends, I let her see more. I began to trust her, to lean on her, and to depend on her for survival. She became my safety blanket, the person I had to look to for approval. I needed her, and no matter what I tried to tell myself, I was close enough to nothing without her. Then both Shaadiah and Shanice taught me a powerful lesson. They taught me how to stand on my own, to depend on myself. They pushed me out of the nest like some baby birds do to the smallest of them. I had to test my wings on my own. Without my friends to lean on, I had to depend on myself for the first time since I had met Shaadiah. I was forced to step out into the open and expose every inch of myself to the world, and I did. I closed my eyes and got out of bed that morning. I told my best friends exactly what I thought, and then I forgave them.
Because of these things, I am a different person from the little girl who had needed her friends to approve everything she did. I am now an individual person. I no longer need to be surrounded by friends to feel safe or to be happy. I can run around singing at the top of my lungs without being embarrassed. My shell is broken and I am free! I can say hello to each person who looks me in the eye, or become friends with someone I do not know well. I no longer fear exposing myself.
I changed so much because of what my friends taught me. Shaadiah taught me the value of friends. Shaadiah and Shanice taught me you have to be equals with my friends, not a dependent leech. They also taught me to be myself and to not worry what others think of me. Friendship is the experience of a lifetime. Once one has a friend, that person is no longer lives for his/herself, but also for the friend. That person also never has to worry about being alone if the friend is true. It may take time, but it will last forever if one takes care of it the right way.
All my friends have taught me something and in some way changed me as I have changed them. It is my belief that friends change other friends. Whether anyone notices it, if a person becomes a friend with someone new, a part of the person changes. Some may act in different ways around his/her friends. If a person says something a lot, a friend would begin to say it too. Friends influence each other so much, especially if close friends. I am still influenced by Shaadiah, as she is influenced by me. Friendship is all about accidentally changing one another, that is just part of the experience of a lifetime.
“Dear Alicia, You are a crybaby. You always follow us and we are sick of having to have you around all the time. You’re okay sometimes but most of the time you’re really annoying and stupid. Maybe you should just try and grow up. Don’t take this the wrong way but we don’t really want to be your friends anymore. We’re just sick of having to deal with you!” As my eyes left that small piece of paper, I could feel her eyes on me. I whipped my head around so she could not see my face screwed up to stop the tears from falling. I could not cry, not here at Girl Scouts. Not in front of her, not after I have just read the note she and Shanice had written to me.
“I didn’t write all of it! Only that small part about how you should grow up a little!” Shaadiah said in defense after seeing the agony on my face. I tried to believe her. She had always been my friend, why would she want to see me fall apart into a million pieces. Why would the girl who bounced up to me her eyes glowing, hair swishing, and feet dancing, in kindergarten wanting to be my first ever real friend, want to take the shining world she had created with me, and throw it on the ground to smash at my feet?
I went home and cried. My world, my shining globe of wonderfulness was shattered and I was walking on it with my bare feet. My mom put on her mother face and asked me what was wrong. I let my anger fly. I showed her the note; I made my voice hoarse from my screams. My older brother basked in my hurt, laughing as if this was the best day of his life. I ran away from his taunting voice that confirmed all that my best friends had said about me. I sat in my room. I tore myself into little tiny pieces, and I yelled at myself in my thoughts. I hoped the sun would not rise in the morning, anything to not have to face them. The girls I called my sisters, the girls I gave my entire self to and who proceeded to use me as target practice.
Against my wishes, the sun did rise and I awoke to a beautiful morning. The birds were singing, the sun reflected off the dew, making everything sparkle. I forgot just for a moment what had happened the night before, but once I remembered I wanted to yell at the birds for singing. I wanted to tell them to stop being so cheerful, and make the clouds cover the sun. As I got ready for school, I kept hoping rain would fall from the sky. Anything but the taunting sunshine that wanted me to be happy.
When I got on the bus, I sat in the far back and pulled my hood over my head. I did not talk to Shanice on the bus; all I did was throw her the coldest look I could muster, and then buried my head back into my hood. Once we arrived at school, I bolted to class but Shanice caught up to me. She took me aside, obviously confused at how I could be so angry.
“Alicia, Shaadiah wrote most of the note I only wrote the part that said you are a little annoying!” She said as Shaadiah came up.
“No, you wrote most of it! Don’t lie!” Shaadiah shouted. They began to bicker like two little kids who did not want to get in trouble for breaking a window. They tried to get me to choose sides.
“I don’t know who to believe anymore,” I retorted, as I looked them straight in the eyes. Then I turned around and stalked off to class. I felt numb, like I had been outside shoveling and could not feel anything.
Later in class, our teacher Ms. Splinter asked Shaadiah, Shanice, and I to go out into the hallway with her. My mom had called and told on us. We sat out there in the hallway with the shiny floors the florescent lights above us, next to the lockers with our classmate’s names on them. The dirt on the floor dug into any part of my body that was exposed, like sand paper, and I was very cold. That was probably because I was crying again. We sat and talked for what seemed like days, and eventually my globe was put back together and began to shine once again. But something had changed; I did not need Shaadiah or Shanice anymore. I loved them, but my globe did not orbit around them, they became my equals; I did not follow them like a puppy. I would not let them walk all over me. No, they had taught me that to get respect, I have to give it, but I have to respect myself first.
The only reason I was so shy, was because I had been hiding who I was from everyone else. When I had shown myself to others they had hurt me, so I locked myself up. Shaadiah opened me up and I let her see a bit of me. As we became better friends, I let her see more. I began to trust her, to lean on her, and to depend on her for survival. She became my safety blanket, the person I had to look to for approval. I needed her, and no matter what I tried to tell myself, I was close enough to nothing without her. Then both Shaadiah and Shanice taught me a powerful lesson. They taught me how to stand on my own, to depend on myself. They pushed me out of the nest like some baby birds do to the smallest of them. I had to test my wings on my own. Without my friends to lean on, I had to depend on myself for the first time since I had met Shaadiah. I was forced to step out into the open and expose every inch of myself to the world, and I did. I closed my eyes and got out of bed that morning. I told my best friends exactly what I thought, and then I forgave them.
Because of these things, I am a different person from the little girl who had needed her friends to approve everything she did. I am now an individual person. I no longer need to be surrounded by friends to feel safe or to be happy. I can run around singing at the top of my lungs without being embarrassed. My shell is broken and I am free! I can say hello to each person who looks me in the eye, or become friends with someone I do not know well. I no longer fear exposing myself.
I changed so much because of what my friends taught me. Shaadiah taught me the value of friends. Shaadiah and Shanice taught me you have to be equals with my friends, not a dependent leech. They also taught me to be myself and to not worry what others think of me. Friendship is the experience of a lifetime. Once one has a friend, that person is no longer lives for his/herself, but also for the friend. That person also never has to worry about being alone if the friend is true. It may take time, but it will last forever if one takes care of it the right way.
All my friends have taught me something and in some way changed me as I have changed them. It is my belief that friends change other friends. Whether anyone notices it, if a person becomes a friend with someone new, a part of the person changes. Some may act in different ways around his/her friends. If a person says something a lot, a friend would begin to say it too. Friends influence each other so much, especially if close friends. I am still influenced by Shaadiah, as she is influenced by me. Friendship is all about accidentally changing one another, that is just part of the experience of a lifetime.
Shadow Boy
I take a breath & close my eyes, pushing off, up I fly.
No one else is around me, the sky is mine alone.
Dark, deep, & lonely, the sky engulfs me
Here among the stars, I forget everything
The loneliness, the fears, the anger, it all disappears
I am all by myself inside this enormous sky.
Who is that in the distance, watching me,
Hiding in the shadows of the night?
Shadow boy, who are you?
What do you want from life?
You are there & I am here, yet we are the same
Pretending to not care when they ignore us.
Trying not to hide when attacked.
Wishing for someone to stick around.
Shadow boy, what are you?
Who are you looking for?
Sometimes I imagine you’re just in my head
Yet you must be real, because I see you everywhere.
Constantly at my side, holding me up,
Making sure I don’t lose myself in the world.
Shadow Boy, I need you
You keep me afloat when land is nowhere in sight
Holding me as I scramble toward that light in the distance.
For the first time I have someone at my side.
I am not alone anymore,
But what if you leave me?
Please don’t go away, I need someone to stay.
Shadow boy, where are you?
How could you just disappear?
Because it’s night & I’m back on my swing
You’re not anywhere in sight
Maybe my tears are blinding me
The world is spinning out of control
Nothing is holding me together
My intuition was right; you were all in my head
Because now I know that you aren’t real
You were nothing but a beautiful dream.
But even still I’m reaching for you
Reaching but there’s nothing here.
Can there really be nothing Shadow Boy?
Would you really leave me in the barren ocean?
As I swing upon this swing, I’m sensing something so much bigger.
Encasing me with hope.
Though you are gone, dreams have taken your place.
Dreams of flying & succeeding at everything I do.
Out of those dreams I create a reality,
Where I find someone real, not just a shadow.
Together we’d live & breathe,
Allowing the world to swallow us & then spit us out.
Helping each other grow & move on.
We’d never feel alone, but surrounded by love.
We take a breath & close our eyes
Holding hands, up we fly
Into a world of wonder, magic, & hope
Where we will never feel loneliness
Is that you Shadow Boy, standing in the void?
Why are you crying boy?
You are not alone, you are never alone
There is room here for you too.
Leave the darkness & come to the light.
Come Shadow Boy, come join us.
No one else is around me, the sky is mine alone.
Dark, deep, & lonely, the sky engulfs me
Here among the stars, I forget everything
The loneliness, the fears, the anger, it all disappears
I am all by myself inside this enormous sky.
Who is that in the distance, watching me,
Hiding in the shadows of the night?
Shadow boy, who are you?
What do you want from life?
You are there & I am here, yet we are the same
Pretending to not care when they ignore us.
Trying not to hide when attacked.
Wishing for someone to stick around.
Shadow boy, what are you?
Who are you looking for?
Sometimes I imagine you’re just in my head
Yet you must be real, because I see you everywhere.
Constantly at my side, holding me up,
Making sure I don’t lose myself in the world.
Shadow Boy, I need you
You keep me afloat when land is nowhere in sight
Holding me as I scramble toward that light in the distance.
For the first time I have someone at my side.
I am not alone anymore,
But what if you leave me?
Please don’t go away, I need someone to stay.
Shadow boy, where are you?
How could you just disappear?
Because it’s night & I’m back on my swing
You’re not anywhere in sight
Maybe my tears are blinding me
The world is spinning out of control
Nothing is holding me together
My intuition was right; you were all in my head
Because now I know that you aren’t real
You were nothing but a beautiful dream.
But even still I’m reaching for you
Reaching but there’s nothing here.
Can there really be nothing Shadow Boy?
Would you really leave me in the barren ocean?
As I swing upon this swing, I’m sensing something so much bigger.
Encasing me with hope.
Though you are gone, dreams have taken your place.
Dreams of flying & succeeding at everything I do.
Out of those dreams I create a reality,
Where I find someone real, not just a shadow.
Together we’d live & breathe,
Allowing the world to swallow us & then spit us out.
Helping each other grow & move on.
We’d never feel alone, but surrounded by love.
We take a breath & close our eyes
Holding hands, up we fly
Into a world of wonder, magic, & hope
Where we will never feel loneliness
Is that you Shadow Boy, standing in the void?
Why are you crying boy?
You are not alone, you are never alone
There is room here for you too.
Leave the darkness & come to the light.
Come Shadow Boy, come join us.
When Dreams Come True
This is a short story I wrote last year for English class ... well kind of. I wrote it at first for fun, but I used it for that class. Enjoy!
Life here in Neverland is a bright shining ball of light, cloudless skies, warm wind, birds that sing, and butterflies. My life is perfect. I have a boyfriend named Link Charleston, three best friends named Belle, Luna, Alice, and the cutest little Yorkie named Phip, short for Phidipedies. My name is Elizabeth Marie Bennet, I am 23. I don’t know how I came to be in Neverland, but one morning I woke up in a beautiful little house in a quiet peaceful neighborhood and I’ve been here ever since. I live with my best friends in the same cute little home. Link lives next door. Link and I met my first day here as I wandered around aimlessly trying to figure it all out. He took my hand, then showed me the whole town. We became best friends sticking together like peanut butter and jelly. About a year ago we started dating. It’s been the most wonderful experience of my life. It’s been three years now since that first day, thought it seems as if I’ve always been here. There are no cars or airplanes or motorcycles here, not thing that makes excess sound. The wind carries music while the sun laughs. Everything here is bright and gay. The only bad things that ever happened here were my vivid nightmares. They showed a world completely opposite of this one, though the people were still the same. It frightened me, but I forgot about them once the morning comes. Those nightmares are where the story gets its foundation, but I’ll start at the beginning.
This story starts with a walk Link and I took. We held hands as we walked. The early morning dew hit the grass at just the right angle to make the grass look like it was sparkling. Birds sang along with the wind as the sun giggled, rising from the horizon. I didn’t know where we were going, but I didn’t ask. I trusted him. Every once in awhile, he’d look at me and smile because I never took my eyes off his. The beautiful combination of blue, green, and yellow with light blonde eyelashes was breath taking. They went deeper than the surface. Eventually after an hour, I grew tired and leaned on him. He put his arm around my waist, holding me up while I lay my head on his shoulder. I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep in his arms until I woke up.
He had brought me to an open field, the spot we were in was the only grassy spot, and everything else was covered with flowers. The colors, waving in the wind like a flag, made me remember something from my past life, but I ignored the memory. We had a delicious picnic of bread, cheese, fruits, and vegetables, with iced tea, while talking for hours.
“Eliza, I love you. I never want to lose you.” He said after we had finish eating. I teased him saying,
“Well, I love you way more! Where would I go? There’s nowhere I’d rather be than right here.”
Then we became little kids, arguing over who love who more. We ran, chasing each other in the flower fields, laughing and screaming until we were too tired to continue. Then we curled up among the flowers looking in each other’s eyes until we fell asleep, hand in hand. When I woke up, Link was sitting a little way away from where I was, watching me. Without a word, he took my hand, leading me back to our street. He walked me home, kissed me on the forehead, and whispered,
“I love you.” Then he crossed my lawn to his house. Right before he went into his house, he looked back at me. I blew a kiss, which he caught, then put in his pocket.
I went up to my room quietly so I wouldn’t wake the girls or Phip since it was five in the morning. I turned on my music and took a nice warm shower. When I was done, I looked at the clock and saw that it was time to go, so I skipped off to work. My job is an interesting one. I make jewelry in the morning, then I sell it in my store after lunch. I was so filled with inspiration from my time with Link, that I jumped right into the beads. By lunch I had created 10 new works of art and was brimming with pride when Link stopped by with lunch. I told him all about my morning, then he told me about his, as we munched on pasta salad with mangos on the side. We joked around, teasing each other, until he absolutely had to leave. He needed to get a scene filmed today because the weather was perfect for it. He’s a moviemaker, writing the movies, then directing them. After Link left, I opened up shop, and got ready to sell my new masterpieces. The day was pretty full with selling twenty-three pieces, including the ten from that morning. In and out people came, then went, always running about from place to place, friend to friend. Like busy bees, never resting to take a look at the flowers or enjoy the sunshine.
I needed a break from the hustle and bustle of the little town so I went to my place, a meadow all of my own. If Neverland sounds wonderful, my meadow is paradise. Flowers bloom in every single color imaginable, combinations of beautiful flowing shapes that seem to melt into each other. The trees are like those in fairytales, bark twisted into smooth patterns, and a presence that makes everything believe it has a soul. The breeze blows through my hair here, whispering secrets to me about itself. The sky is so large; it feels as if it might swallow you. There is a kind of magic here that makes me feel that everything is alive. I become aware of the entire world and every living thing, as if my senses have been honed into nature. Life is a fragile but constant beat that just keeps on going even if some one is left behind. No one knows this place exists. Not Link, Belle, Luna, nor Alice, just me. It’s my little place.
That afternoon, something felt off. A disturbance that made me feel as if something wasn’t right. At that moment, the sky went dark. It was like night in the daytime. I ran, practically flew, home right into Luna’s room. She sensed it too, the strange ripple in the peace of Neverland. Luna is very attuned to nature since she was raised in the wilderness. Luna is kind of a hippy. She has long black curly hair that she keeps in a ponytail, grey eyes sharp as a hawk’s and a pencil stuck behind her ear at all times. She wasn’t sure what was wrong since it had never happened before.
“Eliza, I can’t make it out, but something is definitely wrong. I think the best thing to do is see if it passes. I don’t sense any true danger, so don’t worry about it.” She told me, but still I felt on edge. As if something were coming, something ominous. That night, in my dreams, I was in Neverland as it is normally. Blue skies, green grass, flowers, singing wind, everything. I wished I wouldn’t wake up. But morning came, even though it seemed as if it hadn’t. Link came over and asked me why I was anxious, but he couldn’t understand the feeling I was getting. No one could comprehend why this was such a big deal to me. I asked Belle to mind my shop for me while I went to visit Alice. Alice and I are almost twins. We both are tall, long blonde haired, though her eyes are piercing blue and mine change colors. We always feel and think the same things, so I thought maybe she could help me, or at least understand. We both comprehend each other on a level that is extremely close to telepathic.
When I got there, she was waiting for me, as if we had planned this. I took one look at her and knew she felt it too. We sat in her room, talking it over until it was dusk. It was about time for me to leave, so I got up to leave.
“Lizzy, I wonder if maybe you could sleep in my room tonight? Unless you want to spend time with Link or something …” she trailed off at the end, trying to make it sound nonchalant, but I could feel her fear. I sensed her need for me to stay with her.
“Of course I’ll sleep here with you! Silly goose, I saw Link this morning. You need me!” So it was decided, I got all set in her room. Since we share a house, all I had to do was run up to my room, get ready, and head back down to go to sleep. Right before I fell asleep, Alice got in bed with me,
“I’m too uneasy to be on my own,” she whispered to me and I felt the comfort of knowing she was right there, as I floated off to the real Neverland. Here, I ran, danced, sang along with the warm wind, and talked to the sun about how beautiful the flowers looked, until I returned to my living nightmare.
No sun, only a cold black sky with wind that howls, cutting through anyone like a knife. The flowers disappeared. I don’t mean withered or died, but disappeared, as if they had never been there. It was pouring rain that didn’t stop. Ever. I stayed inside all day because the moment you stepped outside, you were pelted by tiny bullets that soaked then froze you through. Link, Belle, Alice, Luna and I were all camped out in my room since it’s the largest; I have the most light, along with the most stuff to do. Even Phip my puppy was curled up under a blanket in my bed. Alice was on my bed playing with my DVD player. Belle and Link were playing on my Nintendo 64 while sitting on my couch. Luna was staring out into the gloom with a look of concentration etched into her face. I was pacing the room, pondering dreams and reality. The idea came to me that maybe my nightmares had become reality by some sort of magic. At the same moment I came to that conclusion, Alice looked straight at me, then lost it.
She went completely berserk. She was screaming a bunch of nonsense. I couldn’t understand the feelings inside of her, they didn’t even seem like her own. I sensed pain, joy, agony, happiness, fear, sadness and confusion. The last three were more profound than the others, but only slightly. Suddenly I was acutely aware of every thought, feeling, and emotion in the room. It was all so overwhelming, like a faucet that had been turned on but forgotten, emotions over flowing the entire room, suffocating me. I had to get out, so I ran.
I ran until it felt like the world should have ended, until I was too tired to go on. Then for the first time in two years, I cried. I screamed at the sky. I called for the flowers. I punched trees, then kicked the barren ground. I ripped open the stitches I had sown around my heart, my feeble attempt to forget my old world. I cried for what was lost, and dreams that came to an end. I cried because the small piece of my heart that I had tried to stitch over, missed my old home. I cried because I missed Laurence my old boyfriend. We were so opposite we met on the other side of the circle, but I loved him. I cried for Melissa my one friend in the old world. I sobbed until my eyes were raw but didn’t stop. I went on like that forever, grieving everything I had neglected to grieve before, while the rain bruised my skin. I was screaming and crying so hard, I didn’t notice the rain stopping or the flowers creeping back, surrounding my aching body with velvet petals.
Once I’d stopped, the sky was blue, the sun was laughing its jolly laugh, and the beautiful music that traveled on the wind, ruffled my hair, lifting my spirits, caressing my bruises until they were no more. The flowers looked as if they’d never gone and the stream near where my running had brought me, was giggling where the pebbles tickled it. As I sat there in astonishment, I felt my heart click, as if my other world had been tugging at it and had finally come to grips with the fact that I am here forever. But I knew it wasn’t my old world that needed to come to grips with my leaving, it was I. Somewhere inside, I hadn’t been okay with being pulled away from my old home. I realized that Neverland is my dreamland, so when I locked up my feelings, they built up and broke into my world. For what felt like eternity, yet such a short time, I lay on the soft green grass. I pondered my feelings, checking to make sure I didn’t have any places that held pain or sorrow, surrounded by flowers who each tried to surpass the others in decoration. When I was sure I was fine, I started running again, except this time I was running toward home, instead of away from it.
My street was the same way it was when I first arrived in Neverland. The pavement, colored black with grey, the grass kept fairly long, and gardens that are actually used instead of just being decoration. Houses lined the street, in many different, unique colors, all looking warm and welcome. I walked to my house, colored in many different shades of blue, green, yellow, and white. As I walked inside, Alice ran to me. She shook me, asking why I had locked myself up,
“Lizzy, you could have gone crazy! I felt all those emotions inside of you! Don’t you ever do that again!” I promised her I wouldn’t. Next Link came up to me. He grabbed me and held me for hours, as if trying to reassure himself that I was there. He didn’t say a word, just held me, then I felt him relax.
“I thought you’d never come back.” He whispered in my ear.
“I’m so sorry Link. I didn’t mean to worry you. How could I not come back? I love you.” A little while after this, Belle came up to me,
“Eliza, you’re so much prettier now. You have this kind of light that shines out of you!” She sounded slightly jealous which made me laugh. Belle has a sense for true beauty, along with physical beauty, even though she only focuses on physical. It touched me though, that she thought me something to be envious of. Especially since she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, with her long brown hair, deep brown eyes, perfect complexion, and body.
It’s been a year since that happened. Life has gone back to normal. My dreams are memories of my old world, so that I don’t forget that part of my life. Neverland looks as if my nightmare had never happened, even though sometimes a rainy day comes to refresh the entire world. The sun still has its hearty laugh that enriches the soil and warms the day. Everywhere I go, I still hear the music on the wind. It calms my soul, telling a story, like background music in a movie. Colors here stick out like no other place. They are vibrant, as if they are alive, everyday they get brighter, instead of faded. Life in Neverland still goes on the way it always has and I’m glad I got to come here. Nowhere else could fit me the way Neverland does. Like the perfect jeans no one can ever seem to find (except for Belle). Everyday I take in the sun, the wind, and the colors. I feel happy to be alive, and ready for the next adventure.
Life here in Neverland is a bright shining ball of light, cloudless skies, warm wind, birds that sing, and butterflies. My life is perfect. I have a boyfriend named Link Charleston, three best friends named Belle, Luna, Alice, and the cutest little Yorkie named Phip, short for Phidipedies. My name is Elizabeth Marie Bennet, I am 23. I don’t know how I came to be in Neverland, but one morning I woke up in a beautiful little house in a quiet peaceful neighborhood and I’ve been here ever since. I live with my best friends in the same cute little home. Link lives next door. Link and I met my first day here as I wandered around aimlessly trying to figure it all out. He took my hand, then showed me the whole town. We became best friends sticking together like peanut butter and jelly. About a year ago we started dating. It’s been the most wonderful experience of my life. It’s been three years now since that first day, thought it seems as if I’ve always been here. There are no cars or airplanes or motorcycles here, not thing that makes excess sound. The wind carries music while the sun laughs. Everything here is bright and gay. The only bad things that ever happened here were my vivid nightmares. They showed a world completely opposite of this one, though the people were still the same. It frightened me, but I forgot about them once the morning comes. Those nightmares are where the story gets its foundation, but I’ll start at the beginning.
This story starts with a walk Link and I took. We held hands as we walked. The early morning dew hit the grass at just the right angle to make the grass look like it was sparkling. Birds sang along with the wind as the sun giggled, rising from the horizon. I didn’t know where we were going, but I didn’t ask. I trusted him. Every once in awhile, he’d look at me and smile because I never took my eyes off his. The beautiful combination of blue, green, and yellow with light blonde eyelashes was breath taking. They went deeper than the surface. Eventually after an hour, I grew tired and leaned on him. He put his arm around my waist, holding me up while I lay my head on his shoulder. I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep in his arms until I woke up.
He had brought me to an open field, the spot we were in was the only grassy spot, and everything else was covered with flowers. The colors, waving in the wind like a flag, made me remember something from my past life, but I ignored the memory. We had a delicious picnic of bread, cheese, fruits, and vegetables, with iced tea, while talking for hours.
“Eliza, I love you. I never want to lose you.” He said after we had finish eating. I teased him saying,
“Well, I love you way more! Where would I go? There’s nowhere I’d rather be than right here.”
Then we became little kids, arguing over who love who more. We ran, chasing each other in the flower fields, laughing and screaming until we were too tired to continue. Then we curled up among the flowers looking in each other’s eyes until we fell asleep, hand in hand. When I woke up, Link was sitting a little way away from where I was, watching me. Without a word, he took my hand, leading me back to our street. He walked me home, kissed me on the forehead, and whispered,
“I love you.” Then he crossed my lawn to his house. Right before he went into his house, he looked back at me. I blew a kiss, which he caught, then put in his pocket.
I went up to my room quietly so I wouldn’t wake the girls or Phip since it was five in the morning. I turned on my music and took a nice warm shower. When I was done, I looked at the clock and saw that it was time to go, so I skipped off to work. My job is an interesting one. I make jewelry in the morning, then I sell it in my store after lunch. I was so filled with inspiration from my time with Link, that I jumped right into the beads. By lunch I had created 10 new works of art and was brimming with pride when Link stopped by with lunch. I told him all about my morning, then he told me about his, as we munched on pasta salad with mangos on the side. We joked around, teasing each other, until he absolutely had to leave. He needed to get a scene filmed today because the weather was perfect for it. He’s a moviemaker, writing the movies, then directing them. After Link left, I opened up shop, and got ready to sell my new masterpieces. The day was pretty full with selling twenty-three pieces, including the ten from that morning. In and out people came, then went, always running about from place to place, friend to friend. Like busy bees, never resting to take a look at the flowers or enjoy the sunshine.
I needed a break from the hustle and bustle of the little town so I went to my place, a meadow all of my own. If Neverland sounds wonderful, my meadow is paradise. Flowers bloom in every single color imaginable, combinations of beautiful flowing shapes that seem to melt into each other. The trees are like those in fairytales, bark twisted into smooth patterns, and a presence that makes everything believe it has a soul. The breeze blows through my hair here, whispering secrets to me about itself. The sky is so large; it feels as if it might swallow you. There is a kind of magic here that makes me feel that everything is alive. I become aware of the entire world and every living thing, as if my senses have been honed into nature. Life is a fragile but constant beat that just keeps on going even if some one is left behind. No one knows this place exists. Not Link, Belle, Luna, nor Alice, just me. It’s my little place.
That afternoon, something felt off. A disturbance that made me feel as if something wasn’t right. At that moment, the sky went dark. It was like night in the daytime. I ran, practically flew, home right into Luna’s room. She sensed it too, the strange ripple in the peace of Neverland. Luna is very attuned to nature since she was raised in the wilderness. Luna is kind of a hippy. She has long black curly hair that she keeps in a ponytail, grey eyes sharp as a hawk’s and a pencil stuck behind her ear at all times. She wasn’t sure what was wrong since it had never happened before.
“Eliza, I can’t make it out, but something is definitely wrong. I think the best thing to do is see if it passes. I don’t sense any true danger, so don’t worry about it.” She told me, but still I felt on edge. As if something were coming, something ominous. That night, in my dreams, I was in Neverland as it is normally. Blue skies, green grass, flowers, singing wind, everything. I wished I wouldn’t wake up. But morning came, even though it seemed as if it hadn’t. Link came over and asked me why I was anxious, but he couldn’t understand the feeling I was getting. No one could comprehend why this was such a big deal to me. I asked Belle to mind my shop for me while I went to visit Alice. Alice and I are almost twins. We both are tall, long blonde haired, though her eyes are piercing blue and mine change colors. We always feel and think the same things, so I thought maybe she could help me, or at least understand. We both comprehend each other on a level that is extremely close to telepathic.
When I got there, she was waiting for me, as if we had planned this. I took one look at her and knew she felt it too. We sat in her room, talking it over until it was dusk. It was about time for me to leave, so I got up to leave.
“Lizzy, I wonder if maybe you could sleep in my room tonight? Unless you want to spend time with Link or something …” she trailed off at the end, trying to make it sound nonchalant, but I could feel her fear. I sensed her need for me to stay with her.
“Of course I’ll sleep here with you! Silly goose, I saw Link this morning. You need me!” So it was decided, I got all set in her room. Since we share a house, all I had to do was run up to my room, get ready, and head back down to go to sleep. Right before I fell asleep, Alice got in bed with me,
“I’m too uneasy to be on my own,” she whispered to me and I felt the comfort of knowing she was right there, as I floated off to the real Neverland. Here, I ran, danced, sang along with the warm wind, and talked to the sun about how beautiful the flowers looked, until I returned to my living nightmare.
No sun, only a cold black sky with wind that howls, cutting through anyone like a knife. The flowers disappeared. I don’t mean withered or died, but disappeared, as if they had never been there. It was pouring rain that didn’t stop. Ever. I stayed inside all day because the moment you stepped outside, you were pelted by tiny bullets that soaked then froze you through. Link, Belle, Alice, Luna and I were all camped out in my room since it’s the largest; I have the most light, along with the most stuff to do. Even Phip my puppy was curled up under a blanket in my bed. Alice was on my bed playing with my DVD player. Belle and Link were playing on my Nintendo 64 while sitting on my couch. Luna was staring out into the gloom with a look of concentration etched into her face. I was pacing the room, pondering dreams and reality. The idea came to me that maybe my nightmares had become reality by some sort of magic. At the same moment I came to that conclusion, Alice looked straight at me, then lost it.
She went completely berserk. She was screaming a bunch of nonsense. I couldn’t understand the feelings inside of her, they didn’t even seem like her own. I sensed pain, joy, agony, happiness, fear, sadness and confusion. The last three were more profound than the others, but only slightly. Suddenly I was acutely aware of every thought, feeling, and emotion in the room. It was all so overwhelming, like a faucet that had been turned on but forgotten, emotions over flowing the entire room, suffocating me. I had to get out, so I ran.
I ran until it felt like the world should have ended, until I was too tired to go on. Then for the first time in two years, I cried. I screamed at the sky. I called for the flowers. I punched trees, then kicked the barren ground. I ripped open the stitches I had sown around my heart, my feeble attempt to forget my old world. I cried for what was lost, and dreams that came to an end. I cried because the small piece of my heart that I had tried to stitch over, missed my old home. I cried because I missed Laurence my old boyfriend. We were so opposite we met on the other side of the circle, but I loved him. I cried for Melissa my one friend in the old world. I sobbed until my eyes were raw but didn’t stop. I went on like that forever, grieving everything I had neglected to grieve before, while the rain bruised my skin. I was screaming and crying so hard, I didn’t notice the rain stopping or the flowers creeping back, surrounding my aching body with velvet petals.
Once I’d stopped, the sky was blue, the sun was laughing its jolly laugh, and the beautiful music that traveled on the wind, ruffled my hair, lifting my spirits, caressing my bruises until they were no more. The flowers looked as if they’d never gone and the stream near where my running had brought me, was giggling where the pebbles tickled it. As I sat there in astonishment, I felt my heart click, as if my other world had been tugging at it and had finally come to grips with the fact that I am here forever. But I knew it wasn’t my old world that needed to come to grips with my leaving, it was I. Somewhere inside, I hadn’t been okay with being pulled away from my old home. I realized that Neverland is my dreamland, so when I locked up my feelings, they built up and broke into my world. For what felt like eternity, yet such a short time, I lay on the soft green grass. I pondered my feelings, checking to make sure I didn’t have any places that held pain or sorrow, surrounded by flowers who each tried to surpass the others in decoration. When I was sure I was fine, I started running again, except this time I was running toward home, instead of away from it.
My street was the same way it was when I first arrived in Neverland. The pavement, colored black with grey, the grass kept fairly long, and gardens that are actually used instead of just being decoration. Houses lined the street, in many different, unique colors, all looking warm and welcome. I walked to my house, colored in many different shades of blue, green, yellow, and white. As I walked inside, Alice ran to me. She shook me, asking why I had locked myself up,
“Lizzy, you could have gone crazy! I felt all those emotions inside of you! Don’t you ever do that again!” I promised her I wouldn’t. Next Link came up to me. He grabbed me and held me for hours, as if trying to reassure himself that I was there. He didn’t say a word, just held me, then I felt him relax.
“I thought you’d never come back.” He whispered in my ear.
“I’m so sorry Link. I didn’t mean to worry you. How could I not come back? I love you.” A little while after this, Belle came up to me,
“Eliza, you’re so much prettier now. You have this kind of light that shines out of you!” She sounded slightly jealous which made me laugh. Belle has a sense for true beauty, along with physical beauty, even though she only focuses on physical. It touched me though, that she thought me something to be envious of. Especially since she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, with her long brown hair, deep brown eyes, perfect complexion, and body.
It’s been a year since that happened. Life has gone back to normal. My dreams are memories of my old world, so that I don’t forget that part of my life. Neverland looks as if my nightmare had never happened, even though sometimes a rainy day comes to refresh the entire world. The sun still has its hearty laugh that enriches the soil and warms the day. Everywhere I go, I still hear the music on the wind. It calms my soul, telling a story, like background music in a movie. Colors here stick out like no other place. They are vibrant, as if they are alive, everyday they get brighter, instead of faded. Life in Neverland still goes on the way it always has and I’m glad I got to come here. Nowhere else could fit me the way Neverland does. Like the perfect jeans no one can ever seem to find (except for Belle). Everyday I take in the sun, the wind, and the colors. I feel happy to be alive, and ready for the next adventure.
There's this guy ... I've known him since 7th grade. He's a year younger than me in grade & I have NO idea when his birthday is ... but yeah. He's awesome. Whenever we talk it's so great to have one guy in the world I don't feel like a complete idiot in front of. I know you're thinking "So you like him since the whole 'guy of your choice' thing didn't work out?" & my answer is ... I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA!!! YAY!!! My life is so messed up right now, I honestly have no idea how I feel ever, let alone when it comes to a male. I don't WANT to know whether or not I like him. In fact, I don't think I EVER want to know if I like anyone ever again. Why? Because it's just too hard. I lose sleep, I stress out, & I look like an idiot. Best to just live my love life through books & movies, than to deal with this crap. So all I can really say is that this guy is awesome. He gives me hope for the male sex, & shows me that yes I can be friends with boys ... even if it's only one. So here I am, in my basement, on my dino computer because my parents hate letting me use the computer, in isolation from my friends & freedom. I don't like it, but what can I do? I'll tell you what. Obsess over Owl City, Harry Potter, Pride & Prejudice, Peter Pan, my book, my poetry, music, movies, books, & chalk. People will talk to me when they talk to me, I'll work a lot on stuff & maybe my parents will let me have a fun summer, rather than lock me in this house all day & expect me to do chores all day. Well until next time, ciao!
It's a shame. A shame he never got to know me. Not the nervous stupid me, but the real me. Now he (I'm sure) hates me, & I know I shouldn't care ... but I liked him! I liked him since the beginning of 2nd semester. But I ran away & I screwed up, & I wish I wasn't so scared, but I am & I guess that means I'll always end up running away. I ran from having to dance with Alexander, I ran from Logan changing, & I ran from Isaac's intensity. I ran from Michael until he played me, & I ran from Andy & it's all my fault. I know that, but it wasn't even running from him as much as it was from the whole awkward situation ... I always run, or hide, or scare people off but I guess maybe I do it to see who will fight. But no guy ever has. I don't think Isaac contacting me once or twice a year counts as "fighting" for me ... ;P Ha, I lost my train of thought ... What I'm getting at is that, if he had gotten to know me, he would have found who I really am, & found that I'm just hiding or running like the coward I am & yes I know I'm not what a girlfriend should look like, I have big feet, & braces, & huge hips, & I'm pretty tall, I'm a clutz, I'm weird, I'm a nerd, but underneath all that unattractiveness, there's something that I think might be worth it. I can't be sure because I don't think any boy has ever bothered to look that far. So it's a shame. I think he & I could have been something, then again, I'm not sure of anything about him anymore, because to be perfectly honest, I juts don't know him. I thought I'd known enough, but I didn't, so all I can say is that it's a shame.
p.s. I wrote this, this morning at 2 a.m.-ish sooo yeah.
p.s. I wrote this, this morning at 2 a.m.-ish sooo yeah.
Monday, June 13, 2011
What Would I Like to Do Everyday
-See a friend
-Play with chalk
-Go to the Beach
-Play softball
-Fly
-See the ocean
-Watch movies
-Get some work done
-Get out of the house
-Go swimming
-Eat fresh fruit
-Have tea with jam & bread
-Sleep
-Smile
-Sing
-Laugh
-Blow bubbles
-Not feel sick
-Breathe
-LIVE!
Let's here it for really bad days/weeks/summers! Here's to family members who complain about how horrible it is to have had gull bladder surgery & head aches as if I have NO idea what they're going through. Here's to no boys, no friends to talk to, no fun to be had because I am my mother's slave. Oh & for mothers who can understand that 1. I have a job, & 2. How bad the job market is right now, ESPECIALLY for teens. Am I not allowed to be human? Honestly I am expected to do everything for my mom, to have a full time job, to keep my temper, & be an over-all angel. I have no wings. When I had my gull bladder surgery, mom gave me a day to heal then she was making me do all sorts of things. Fold laundry, cook dinner, wash dishes, etc. It's been over a week & she won't even plant flowers. So I must do everything & I have to drive the kids & here everywhere & I have to work around everyone else's schedules to spend time with my friends which means ... I won't. At all. I thought I would be able to, but I guess not. So here's to a whole summer stuck in a house where I have to do what I'm told & never see my friends. I saw an old teacher of mine who is retiring today. She kinda recognized me ... my other one didn't. They didn't even ask the usual questions like "Where do you go to school now?" or "What grade are you in?". I don't like being forgotten. In fact it really bothers me, but it would bother me less if they actually made an attempt to catch up, instead they smile & just walk away. :/ No me gusta. I miss school. It's only been 11 days. BUT the new Owl City CD comes out tomorrow so I'll be off to Target to buy it! ;) I'm so so so excited! Well ... I would be if I didn't feel so crappy. I honestly can't breathe & it's starting to scare me. I see a doctor on Friday about it. I'm scared & I have no one to turn to because I'm sure my friends are sick of listening to me complain all the time & I have bosses instead of parents & shizzzzz like that. Ugh. & no boys. None. Okay sure they scare the shizz out of me but ... I love the bubbly happy feeling I get when I 1st start crushing, especially if I hear they like me too. But no boys. I never see any. :/ that & I have an amazing talent for pissing them off. ;) I could use a vacation. Did I mention my aunt offered to get me a job in Chicago? Of course my mom doesn't tell me until weeks later so I probably won't get it. I really wanted to go. I used to go to Illinois a week by myself in an airplane & spend all my time with my family there. It was my favorite place to go. The only time I ever got spoiled. I wanted to get away again, to spend time with people who like to have fun & laugh. Okay yeah they have SERIOUS issues which I won't discuss here, but they made me feel special & you never forget that. So if you couldn't tell, I had a bad day/week & I fear summer. Sooo ... yeah. Ciao.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
This isn't self pity. Nor is it BS baggage. You know that's what REALLY pisses me off about guys. They always think it's ME who is the problem. But honestly The BS baggage was the boy & my pity is only for the one who was "devastated" aka him. HAHAHA goodness. I can't lie, I still have a crush on the guy I thought he was, but ... idk where it's going to go from here. Bob is madly in love with Brooke & apparently Brooke has been laughing about all sorts of stuff & talking about me to other people which doesn't surprise me since she does it to everyone else ... sooo ... yeah. Here's to a summer for me, & only me. I think knowing neither of them are who I thought they were makes this so much easier. They'll be good for each other I think. If either of you read this, go for it. Life is too short. Love stanks. ;) I got so much new music yesterday. SOOO good. I am fine. Honestly. Everyone is worried about me as if I'm a baby. Yes I'm a cry baby & I'm sensitive, but I can stand up for myself. I always can. Don't judge me yo! ;) I'm fine. Heck I'm better than fine. He can think what he thinks, he never gave me a chance & that's his own fault. Ciao bellas, I have a princess over & we're going to have adventures today. HERE'S TO SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I will never get drunk. You may be asking yourself, "Where the heck did that come from?" & I'll tell you. I woke up today with an aching body & a migraine. AHHHHHHHH!!! Did I also mention that I can't think straight when I have a migraine? BECAUSE I CAN'T!!! Which also adds to the whole Finale Fiasco. Oh & I keep thinking about it ... I couldn't have told Bob myself because he'd gotten a new phone number so I had no way of contacting him. In the future, SCREW WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS & JUST KEEP YOUR PROMISES!!! I say this for all the thousands of people who read this blog ... aka no one. I regret upsetting Brooke & Bob, but I don't regret my decision. I had so much freaking fun! So, if Brooke pulls through I won't have to go through the phone book & find his address so I can fix this then I can put it all behind me. Because I HATE having people angry with me because of lack of knowledge. I get it now though thanks to Brooke. I embarrassed him & that's why he's so mad. & I get it. So ... mom is still healing from her surgery. OH DEAR GOODNESS I HATE POLITICS!!! & chores ... & being the only one in my house who can work so I'm having to do everything all the time. Uuuurg. I feel like crap. Meow. Mom wants the computer back so I'll just go now. I WANT TO SEE THE OWL CITY CONCERT!!!!!!!!! Okay I'll go now. Ciao!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Favorite Colors
When I was little, my favorite color was pink
I wanted to be seen as girlish & delicate.
My bedroom walls are still pink because of that
All I wanted was to be pretty & popular
For all the kids to like me
But that wasn't me.
I was awkward.
Everything about me said awkward.
My body, my social skills, all of it.
All, but my voice.
When I was young, my favorite color was blue
I wanted to be seen as boyish & strong
Tough & powerful.
My face was hard to read because of that.
All I wanted was to be one of the guys
No tears, no weakness, only strength
Only then would I fit in with the crowd.
But all these wishes & wants never fit into me
My life, my heart, my soul could not fit in
I always end up defying all the edges.
Like a square, I can't fit into a smaller circle.
Strength isn't me, nor is delicacy.
Why couldn't I have seen that back then?
Time was wasted while I tried to blend in with them.
Now, my favorite color is green.
Everything I own is green & bright.
You can't stick me into one place, green is everywhere
On trees & rocks, on the ground & in the air.
Don't try to pin a name on me
I'm not delicate, I'm not strong.
You'll never really know who I am
Because I'm constantly changing.
Moving, flowing, melding, into someone new.
In the end I found I am my favorite color green.
I Will Wait
When you look at me, I know I will wait.
Until the end of time I will wait
Your smile is that of an angel's to me
Although I say I can't wait forever
I will for you, I'll wait until the world comes to a close.
Past boys have made me cry but I think you're worth it
My friends tell me to move on, but that's not how I work
Don't talk to me for awhile, I'll want to give up
But once we talk I can breathe again.
I can wait, as long as there's hope
Life can move on but I will wait
Others will come & go, just know I'll be here.
Time will pass us by & you may move on
Just know I will wait for you.
Hoping, I am hoping you'll follow m back
But I know only time can tell me
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Sometimes it feels as if life is trying to stop this from happening.
All the paths we try to take end up coming up short.
Too many times I have tried too hard to make it work
Even still I will wait as long as it takes
Reach out for me, you'll feel me in the darkness
My devotion is not something that changes easily.
You may never fall for me & I know that's possible
Past has prepared me for all the pain
I will not abandon you, that's not my intent
Eventually you'll see I don't just walk away
Heartlessness is not the life that I've been living.
Smiles from you remind me how much I like you
I can say I will not wait, but that's not true
When you look at me, I know that I will wait
Rendering me helpless to what I can do.
Just know, I'll always wait for the guy who's true.
Friday, June 3, 2011
The Empty View
I think about how beautiful the view is
The view I have from way up on this hill.
Up here there is no one, no one who can touch me
No one who can reach me from this point above.
But I wish he would climb up here
He'd make it, I know that he would
Once he reaches me I would let him rest
The view I have from way up on this hill.
Up here there is no one, no one who can touch me
No one who can reach me from this point above.
But I wish he would climb up here
He'd make it, I know that he would
Once he reaches me I would let him rest
Pushing him is not what I'm good at
But if I could I'd pull him up all the way
Tugging & sweating trying to help him
Maybe he wouldn't want to come
& that's what I'm afraid of.
But from way up here I am above him
Way down there I see him go.
Everyone says I'm too good for him
That's not what I want, I want him up here with me
Loneliness is not my favorite place
Because I've been alone so long
All my time I've spent admiring my view
From high above, but I am so bored with seeing
I'd prefer to be feeling.
He's way down there & I'm far up here
Separated, I want to go down there
But I can't.
My only wish is that he'd meet me half way.
No one can make a relationship alone
He won't help me
I wish he'd fight with me.
To climb, both up & down
Reaching for each other
Constantly working to make this relationship
I'll try if he will but until he tries
Here I'll stay drinking in my view.
Me, You, & We.
Today I am sunshine,
Tomorrow I'm rain.
Sometimes you are just mine,
Other times you're a pain.
I wanted to love you,
& have you love me.
You make me feel brand new
I just want you to see
I'm not the girl who's dreamy
I can't make you stay
My complexion is less than creamy
Yet, be that as it may
Today you are happy
Tomorrow you're sad.
Sometimes I'll get snapp
But only if mad.
Days will pass & we'll keep transforming
Even still we are perfect together
Life will pass over us, maybe it's storming
But we put together can last in all weather.
All I want to do
Is get you to trust me
I can promise to love you
What a pair we shall be.
Today we are just friends
Tomorrow we're paired
Together we'll wind bends
But I am so scared
Past guys I've fallen for
Have left me behind
I'm hoping you'll hold the door
That I'm the girl on your mind
Today & tomorrow,
Me, you, & we.
Please don't give me sorrow
You'll have love with me.
Tomorrow I'm rain.
Sometimes you are just mine,
Other times you're a pain.
I wanted to love you,
& have you love me.
You make me feel brand new
I just want you to see
I'm not the girl who's dreamy
I can't make you stay
My complexion is less than creamy
Yet, be that as it may
Today you are happy
Tomorrow you're sad.
Sometimes I'll get snapp
But only if mad.
Days will pass & we'll keep transforming
Even still we are perfect together
Life will pass over us, maybe it's storming
But we put together can last in all weather.
All I want to do
Is get you to trust me
I can promise to love you
What a pair we shall be.
Today we are just friends
Tomorrow we're paired
Together we'll wind bends
But I am so scared
Past guys I've fallen for
Have left me behind
I'm hoping you'll hold the door
That I'm the girl on your mind
Today & tomorrow,
Me, you, & we.
Please don't give me sorrow
You'll have love with me.
Meet Me At The End
Meet me at the end of the road
Everyday I wait for you there
One day I know you will find your way
It's been planned since we first met
The way God chose the course of the universe
Love, you have to know I'm real
As real as the spring & flowers
Real as wind & sunshine
Sometimes I forget you exist
But something tells me you'll come
That's why I stand at the end of my road
I've been done with it for a while
When you're alone, you can do so much more
Fast, my time travels so very quickly
Moving, constantly in motion
Up & down, sided to side.
I wish you'd come soon
Belief.
That's the only thing I have
The only reason I can wait so long
One of these days you'll find yourself here
At the end of your road where our at meet
I can't go any further without you
Without you I can't start a new course.
Come faster, keep moving forward
Stuck.
I'm just stuck in this place
Nothing I do can move me further.
You are the final piece to my puzzle
I've waited so long for you to meet me here
Love, you are the key.
Meet me at the end of time
Where there is nothing but darkness
Take my hand & believe in me
Meet me at the end where we can start.
Everyday I wait for you there
One day I know you will find your way
It's been planned since we first met
The way God chose the course of the universe
Love, you have to know I'm real
As real as the spring & flowers
Real as wind & sunshine
Sometimes I forget you exist
But something tells me you'll come
That's why I stand at the end of my road
I've been done with it for a while
When you're alone, you can do so much more
Fast, my time travels so very quickly
Moving, constantly in motion
Up & down, sided to side.
I wish you'd come soon
Belief.
That's the only thing I have
The only reason I can wait so long
One of these days you'll find yourself here
At the end of your road where our at meet
I can't go any further without you
Without you I can't start a new course.
Come faster, keep moving forward
Stuck.
I'm just stuck in this place
Nothing I do can move me further.
You are the final piece to my puzzle
I've waited so long for you to meet me here
Love, you are the key.
Meet me at the end of time
Where there is nothing but darkness
Take my hand & believe in me
Meet me at the end where we can start.
Cinderella After the Ball
So, Finale. I can't lie it was amazing. But I didn't go with the guy of my choice as was the plan ... I need to explain this in full to someone because there's ALWAYS someone who interrupts me or assumes things & I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since I got home. Here's the full side of my story.
I'm not sure if I ever got a chance to tell you about the night I went over to my friend's house with the guy of my choice and a friend of my friends ... okay lets give them all nicknames otherwise it'll get even more complicated. My friend will be Brooke, the guy of my choice will be Bob, and Brooke's friend will be Sally. Background information. Basically Bob asked me to Finale & that was it. We barely talked EVER, especially about prom (mostly because I'm a big freaking coward & he really didn't seem to care) and I don't know Sally at all. We never talk, but we all know each other because of Brooke. Well that night, we went out to get flowers & shizz & it was going pretty well, but I began to feel like the odd one out. Bob & idk who it was either Brooke or Sally were sing a device & having a secret conversation on it. The gap just kept growing & growning until eventually I pulled away because 1. I was feeling sick, 2. I felt like something bad was happening to my dying grandmother, 3. I absolutely HATE being left out. That was my whole entire childhood & I wasn't about to go back to elementary school. I came back & everyone was comfy & happy & having conversations I couldn't contribute to. So here we are, these are the people I would have spent my Finale with, not including 2 more people I don't know. I began to DREAD Finale. I was going to spent ALL that night with people I don't know, in conversations I couldn't take part of, & be left out. I wasn't spending all that money to have a bad time. THEN yesterday a really good friend of mine (we'll call her Georgia) told me the guy of my choice doesn't like me. This was a HUGE weight off my back. I could actually have fun & not have to worry about him judging me or feeling OBNOXIOUSLY awkward all night. But then, I also found out that everyone in that group had already decided they wouldn't tell me until AFTER Finale. The whole group. That meant everyone would know except for me, so I'd be embarrassing myself all night & they'd just let me do it. Then I got invited to spend time with the German exchange students & I began to wonder ... why the heck would I spend my night with people I don't know, who don't even have the courtesy to tell me what's going on & are willing to watch me embarrass myself, when could spend it with those I have only a few more nights with? Brooke had organized the whole night, I would have spent NONE of it with my friends. None of it. I didn't find all this out until near the end of the school day yesterday. On my way to my hair appointment I decided to go with people who can be straight forward with me & who actually care about my feelings. I should have told him. Dear goodness now that I look back, I really honest to goodness should have texted him or called him & told him ... but I just realized right now that couldn't have because he got a new phone & I didn't have his number! & if that whole group had been honest with me from the start, I would have called my part off as soon as they told me, or I would have figured out a better way. But no. They were willing for me to spend my first prom believing one thing & the rest of my summer nights looking back on how fake & embarrassing that night would have been. So I went with my friends. My date was Mr. Froggy Face & we matched & he looked so very handsom & spiffy! & I had the greatest time ever. It was weird to expose the secret part of me. The part that can get dressed up like a princess & look like a girl & to have confidence. But no one really noticed because I'm not a Princess. But that's fine because I wanted to keep that part of me a secret forever. The part of me that goes to opera's & can be civilized. A lot of people wondered why I wasn't with Bob since I had been talking about it none stop with so much excitement for so long & I briefly summarized it, "We were suposed to go as friends, but I don't know him so we're not friends. I didn't want to spend my night with someone I don't know, feeling awkward." For some reason someone over heard what I'd said & thought I was claiming Bob ditched me. I'm not sure who it was, but the news traveled fast because I was getting glared at all night ... probably more than I even knew. Especially Brooke. I'm really confused why SHE'S mad at me when I did nothing to her. Anyways Bob sent me a bunch of really rude, judgmental texts & the part that I really don't get is, if he didn't like me, what's the big deal. I owed him nothing other than to tell him, but that's not enough to be judged the way he judged me. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME!!! Brooke knows me and she was even judging me. I would have thought she'd know me better, but I guess not. I'm not going to get revenge, I told Brooke she knows me & she knows I would NEVER say he ditched me if I ditched him, & I told Bob to look at a few of my poems. I doubt he will, so I'm not going to sweat it, I just thought the best way for him to understand me is to read my writings. I had so much fun last night, despite all of this. I don't regret not going with them, my only regret is that I hurt Bob. I know he's been hurt in the past, but so have I. A lot. It's not even a competition, I should have done this in a better way ...
Who knows where this'll go, all I know is that I needed to tell my side without someone telling me, "You owe them nothing!" or, "You're a b****" all night. I even dreamed about it. Here's to the summer & to hoping he'll look deeper than his own hurt to see my own & that I didn't feel like going back to the days when I thought I was fat (which I'm still struggling with), when I had no real friends, & when I was always being back stabbed by those I called my best friends. Maybe my next post will be the story I wrote about when my friends told me I was an ugly, fat baby, who had no friends. NOW for watching a good movie & eating the pie I couldn't eat yesterday because I was so upset.
Oh & p.s. my mom is in the hospital. Please pray for me & for her & for Brooke & Bob.
I'll say it one last time in case either one is reading this.
I should have told you, I don't know how I could have, but I should have & I'm sorry.
I'm not sure if I ever got a chance to tell you about the night I went over to my friend's house with the guy of my choice and a friend of my friends ... okay lets give them all nicknames otherwise it'll get even more complicated. My friend will be Brooke, the guy of my choice will be Bob, and Brooke's friend will be Sally. Background information. Basically Bob asked me to Finale & that was it. We barely talked EVER, especially about prom (mostly because I'm a big freaking coward & he really didn't seem to care) and I don't know Sally at all. We never talk, but we all know each other because of Brooke. Well that night, we went out to get flowers & shizz & it was going pretty well, but I began to feel like the odd one out. Bob & idk who it was either Brooke or Sally were sing a device & having a secret conversation on it. The gap just kept growing & growning until eventually I pulled away because 1. I was feeling sick, 2. I felt like something bad was happening to my dying grandmother, 3. I absolutely HATE being left out. That was my whole entire childhood & I wasn't about to go back to elementary school. I came back & everyone was comfy & happy & having conversations I couldn't contribute to. So here we are, these are the people I would have spent my Finale with, not including 2 more people I don't know. I began to DREAD Finale. I was going to spent ALL that night with people I don't know, in conversations I couldn't take part of, & be left out. I wasn't spending all that money to have a bad time. THEN yesterday a really good friend of mine (we'll call her Georgia) told me the guy of my choice doesn't like me. This was a HUGE weight off my back. I could actually have fun & not have to worry about him judging me or feeling OBNOXIOUSLY awkward all night. But then, I also found out that everyone in that group had already decided they wouldn't tell me until AFTER Finale. The whole group. That meant everyone would know except for me, so I'd be embarrassing myself all night & they'd just let me do it. Then I got invited to spend time with the German exchange students & I began to wonder ... why the heck would I spend my night with people I don't know, who don't even have the courtesy to tell me what's going on & are willing to watch me embarrass myself, when could spend it with those I have only a few more nights with? Brooke had organized the whole night, I would have spent NONE of it with my friends. None of it. I didn't find all this out until near the end of the school day yesterday. On my way to my hair appointment I decided to go with people who can be straight forward with me & who actually care about my feelings. I should have told him. Dear goodness now that I look back, I really honest to goodness should have texted him or called him & told him ... but I just realized right now that couldn't have because he got a new phone & I didn't have his number! & if that whole group had been honest with me from the start, I would have called my part off as soon as they told me, or I would have figured out a better way. But no. They were willing for me to spend my first prom believing one thing & the rest of my summer nights looking back on how fake & embarrassing that night would have been. So I went with my friends. My date was Mr. Froggy Face & we matched & he looked so very handsom & spiffy! & I had the greatest time ever. It was weird to expose the secret part of me. The part that can get dressed up like a princess & look like a girl & to have confidence. But no one really noticed because I'm not a Princess. But that's fine because I wanted to keep that part of me a secret forever. The part of me that goes to opera's & can be civilized. A lot of people wondered why I wasn't with Bob since I had been talking about it none stop with so much excitement for so long & I briefly summarized it, "We were suposed to go as friends, but I don't know him so we're not friends. I didn't want to spend my night with someone I don't know, feeling awkward." For some reason someone over heard what I'd said & thought I was claiming Bob ditched me. I'm not sure who it was, but the news traveled fast because I was getting glared at all night ... probably more than I even knew. Especially Brooke. I'm really confused why SHE'S mad at me when I did nothing to her. Anyways Bob sent me a bunch of really rude, judgmental texts & the part that I really don't get is, if he didn't like me, what's the big deal. I owed him nothing other than to tell him, but that's not enough to be judged the way he judged me. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME!!! Brooke knows me and she was even judging me. I would have thought she'd know me better, but I guess not. I'm not going to get revenge, I told Brooke she knows me & she knows I would NEVER say he ditched me if I ditched him, & I told Bob to look at a few of my poems. I doubt he will, so I'm not going to sweat it, I just thought the best way for him to understand me is to read my writings. I had so much fun last night, despite all of this. I don't regret not going with them, my only regret is that I hurt Bob. I know he's been hurt in the past, but so have I. A lot. It's not even a competition, I should have done this in a better way ...
Who knows where this'll go, all I know is that I needed to tell my side without someone telling me, "You owe them nothing!" or, "You're a b****" all night. I even dreamed about it. Here's to the summer & to hoping he'll look deeper than his own hurt to see my own & that I didn't feel like going back to the days when I thought I was fat (which I'm still struggling with), when I had no real friends, & when I was always being back stabbed by those I called my best friends. Maybe my next post will be the story I wrote about when my friends told me I was an ugly, fat baby, who had no friends. NOW for watching a good movie & eating the pie I couldn't eat yesterday because I was so upset.
Oh & p.s. my mom is in the hospital. Please pray for me & for her & for Brooke & Bob.
I'll say it one last time in case either one is reading this.
I should have told you, I don't know how I could have, but I should have & I'm sorry.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)