Growing Up Now

I'm growing up now,
On my way to the big one eight.
The age I've always wanted to be.
All my dreams are coming true.
I've got a boyfriend & he makes me so happy.
He is everything I've always wanted,
Just wanted you to know.
Life has been so much better without you.
I'm growing up now,
Going places I've wanted to go,
Feeling life with my whole heart.
Because you don't exist anymore.
My world is a mess, I won't lie,
Even still, I'm great.
Tip top shape, feeling hotter than ever.
You never got a chance to have me,
Poor you.
I'm growing up now,
Stronger than I have ever been.
Returning to the girl I've longed to be.
No where is more comfortable than my skin,
Fitting me like a glove.
Poetry & crafts, chalking & singing,
Life is on my side this time.
Got into every college I applied for.
Where are you?
I feel sorry for you.
The way that things turned out,
You thought you had my heart,
Little did we know you did nothing for me.
I am growing up now,
With a boyfriend & a job & a life.
Just wait & see what'll become of me.

Written: February 24th, 2012

Strangers

I look into your eyes &
The boy I knew is gone,
But your face is the same.
We were best friends
Playing tag & annoying everyone.
None of it mattered as long as I had you.
You don't exist anymore
Like a beautiful unicorn, you disappeared.
Don't come back, please.
Stay away from me.
Mom told me not to talk to strangers,
That's exactly what you are.
I loved you.
When I needed you, you were there.
Now it's a if we didn't exist.
Be happy.
For goodness sakes, please be happy.
Hold your girlfriend tight.
Just forget about me.
A year ago, I burnt your name.
With your lovely little lie of, "I'm gay,".
Liars have no place here, not in my life
& I don't talk to strangers.
No matter what you look like,
You are a stranger.
Our worlds belong on separate sides of the galaxy.
Don't come around anymore,
Because you aren't you & it hurts.
There are so many like you,
People I loved who walked out on me.
So long, enjoy your new life,
I love mine.
I just hate running into strangers.

Written: February 17th, 2012

Who Am I?

I am a tool,
Used by children on a sunny day.
I get used at school,
Making marks however I may.
I am a voice,
Speaking for those who cannot speak.
I have no choice.
Though what I do is bold, I am weak.
I am art,
Creating a message of power.
The images I make can tear you apart.
With me, you'll never be locked in a tower.
I am chalk.
You can walk all over me
& use me as much as you'd like
I'll just wash away when it rains.
My words are more true than an oath,
Because they are taken straight from the heart & soul.
Penetrating the thickest shields,
Jumping the highest fences.
My power cannot be measured in numbers
Nor by words can it be described
I cannot be kept silent, though I make no sound.
For I am the giggles of little children,
& the voice of a teenaged girl,
Singing to herself as she speaks her truth.
Because I am her, & she is me.
No matter where she goes, I am with her.
College will have to get used to the idea.
I am a game, a tool, a voice.
You can use me, I love to be used,
There is nothing I'd like more.
I am chalk, hear me roar.

We Are Afraid

Who are we?
We stand with arms wide open.
For what?
To hear the world call out to us,
& to feel the wind caress our necks?
I am a girl.
A girl who is afraid.
My heart is slowly slipping far away.
It has started its journey into his loving arms.
No matter what I do, I cannot make it stay.
Perhaps I always knew,
He was meant to hold my heart.
When I fell, he was there.
When I rose, he was there.
When I got hurt, he was there.
So here he is.
Who are we?
We sit, waiting for our lives to start,
For what?
To have everything handed to us
& to never feel any passion?
I am the world.
A world that hides behind sins.
Lust, gluttony, violence, & greed,
Shields to hide our terror.
Of all the foes, love is the greatest enemy.
Because it means giving one person control.
Control of our happiness & our hearts.
Far off in the distance, I see him,
My heart resting in his enormous hands.
Inside & out, I know I've found home.
Who are we?
We are those who are afraid.

Written: January 31, 2012.

Hope

A hand, pale, & cold,
Reaching into the gloomy night
Though you can't see her, there is a girl.
It is her hand blindly groping the empty space.
Before her is a heart, fluttering rapidly
Slowly it slips out of her grasp
Floating away through the frosty mist
Her eyes widen, pupils growing large
What was happening to her delicate heart?
Far beyond the frame is a boy
Nothing can be done as his hands open
Clean palms, bare skin, kind & gentle.
The heart has set sail for his coordinates
He is so warm, so restful, so comfy.
But the girl didn't know how it could have happened,
Locked away, far from view
Safe & sound was the heart, her heart.
The past few years had been so hard
Cold, hard, & sad years
Underneath it all, she was just scared
Soft & easily broken.
How could she have let it escape?
But the heart knows something she never knew.
It carries with it, a secret.
No matter how far that frozen hand may reach,
She has no control now.
All she can do is fall.
Perhaps she will be right & break upon impact
Or she will be wrong & that's the scariest part.
Maybe he will catch her.
That's the secret the heart carries.
Because beyond this picture,
There is hope.

Written: January 30th, 2012.

Messes

You are a mess.
I am a mess.
We are a mess.
Everyday I wait for your text,
Assuring me that you care,
But it never does, it just makes me confused.
This can't be one sided.
Please don't let this be one sided.
Can it be coincidence that this is still here?
After 3 years, we keep coming back to each other?
What does it mean?!
In my closet is a folder
Full of letters I used to write you
& the pictures you used to draw me.
One day I promised not to write anymore
But all I want to do is talk to you.
You won't let me inside your head.
I can still see that look on your face
Still feel the warmth of your hand
Why can't you always be that way?
That boy is the one I want
He makes my heart soar.
We don't have to be complicated.
If there is something holding you back, tell me.
I'm stupid.
I know I'm stupid.
Clingy & pathetic & stupid.
Not lovable, not attractive, just stupid.
So are you.
Do you like me, or don't you?
Because I can love your stupidity.
My arms & hands & heart could love stupid.
As long as I knew it was my stupid.
We are a mess,
Just the two of us.
Your messiness is ever so compelling.
I've dwelt on it many a day & night
Laughed about it & cried about it.
I want a part of your messiness.
Not to change it, but to live it
Even if it makes me a bit more messy.
Believe me, there is nothing I'd like more.
After all this time, to be yours & you be mine.
To have your hands to hold & your lips to kiss,
Would be many a dream come true
Yes, it's cliche & yes, it's cheesy,
Life is a cliche, & it is almost always cheesy
Maybe that is to help the rest to find their way
We don't have much time, for it is running out
In a few months we'll graduate
God only knows what will happen then
But I can't go without knowing
Knowing that we had a chance to be together
Together,
Doesn't that sound wonderful?
Like a long awaited homecoming.
Let us together be a mess
A jumble of laughter, music, & love.
Happiness & wonder tangled into one big knot.
We are a mess of mixed messages,
A terrible, horrible, no good very bad mess.
Please be my mess,
I promise to be yours
We could be the best mess.
Together we can be one happy mess.

I wrote this January 3rd, 2012. I wrote it for the boy I thought was the one. What's funny is that he didn't want to be with me if I was going to end it once college started & ... that's what he did. Oh well, the past is the past, life has moved on for the better, & I am happy. It's true I will always love him, but I can breathe again without him & honestly, that's all I can ask for.

The Way It Is

I can still see that look on your face
That unbelievable spark in your eyes
I can still feel your arms wrapped around me
& my heart skips a beat.
To be honest, I never could tell a good lie
So I really must say I'm crushing
Don't imagine that this could be easy to say
Because I am so scared right now.
Who knew that this would happen?
That we'd just keep circling around?
Honestly I thought I would not feel this way
Yet here we are right now.
My stomach is filled with so many butterflies
Each one as restless as I
But I have to hold back, I really can't fall.
This has happened before & I just couldn't breathe
Up go the walls, to shield me from you.
It hurts but it's what I must do now
All too often I jump into all of that drama
I cannot get hurt, I must be together
That's why I could not look in your eyes.
That is my secret.
Because if I looked into them I know what I'd find
The boy of my dreams in those deep deep eyes
My heart would just crumble, the walls would decay.
Naked.
I would be completely exposed
Past experiences tell me that would be stupid
So I hide from your handsome face
Even still, my mind can't help but remember
That look in your eyes & I miss you
I long for your arms
The smell of you just makes me swoon
You've got me, though I really don't know how
Yet here we are.
I've been lying to myself for almost 4 years,
Lied about how the sight of you makes me feel.
No matter how I've tried,
You get to me, you get right under my skin,
Making my heart do jumping jacks,
While my stomach does somersaults.
So please just ask me to be yours,
Do all you can to see me again.
Because you're everywhere,
You always have been,
I just couldn't admit it to myself.
There isn't time to waste,
Please, please stay awhile,
& be careful with my heart.
Now I know, this is how it's been.
Let it be the way it is.

The Road Must End

It is the end.
This long path just keeps on going,
But I cannot, not anymore.
Maybe the end is nearer than I believe,
My eyes cannot see whether or not you care.
Whether or not doesn't matter now because I'm done.
I need someone.
I've waited almost 3 whole years.
My hand just needs to be held,
My heart needs to be captured,
I know that I'm a fool, but I want you.
You will never know, I will never tell,
Nothing that I feel will ever be known.
Child I know I am, youthful in my mind,
Simple & not treasured, you would never want me,
They never do, not him & not you.
It is the end.
By now I've lost all hope,
& yet inside your eyes, I see something more.
I wish that you may find the same in mine,
Something here for you, something that is true.
Man I know you are, that is not what I want.
All I want is your heart & your arms with your hands,
For my hand is feeling cold & it is yours to hold.
Please make this the end.
Waiting all the time,
It's getting hard to find the hope that everyone has.
Fools are all I've known, all that I have loved,
Making my heart break for those who don't deserve it.
I put my shields up, but your smile breaks right through.
The world will never know my care for you.
I'm coming to the end of being just a friend,
I want to be held & to be held by you.

I wrote this Fall of 2011, for a boy I knew in the musical I was in. I originally wasn't going to post this, but a few months ago, the same boy died. I don't know why or from what, but obviously you can imagine the agony that pulsed through my veins when I found out. He was the most amazing boy, he spoke Russian & he was so funny & such a great singer. Maybe it was just because he was my show crush, but he was perfect. I still can't believe he's gone. R. I. P. Alex Solberg.

I Can't

I can't do this.
I can't go through all of this again,
I just flat out can't.
There are things that are best left alone,
Personally I think this is one of those things.
I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
Can you believe there's such a difference?
This may sound selfish, but I want you to like me.
Not because I like you (I don't think),
But because it makes me feel special.
I hate thinking this, but it's the truth.
Who knows if one day we'll end up together?
For now, I just don't want to think about it.
Maybe I want you to like me because then you'll actually talk,
Then it actually seems like we're friends.
You are a wonderful guy & I wish you well,
But you've got to see it from my point of view.
I can't date & honestly, right now I don't want to.
Please let me find my place of peace for now.
Let's be best friends like we were for so long,
Then once I'm 16 we can start thinking about this.
I know it's hard & I never wished it to be this way.
Give me a chance to breathe, a chance to think,
Because all of that drama is stressful.
Don't think I'm blowing you off because I'm not,
That's the last thing I want to do to you.
So understand that I'm just putting it on a shelf,
Because I can't do this.
I can't go through all of that again,
I just flat out can't.
Not because I don't want to, but because I'm just not ready.
There are things that are best left alone for awhile,
Personally, I think this is one of those things.

Searching In The Woods

I was walking frantically through the woods, trying to find something. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, maybe myself, maybe a long lost friend. There comes a time while we are looking when we just stop looking. Not because we're tired or bored, but just because. The funny thing is that during the time you stop, you usually find what you're looking for. So I stopped & just sat on the ground. I simply listened to what was going on around me. After awhile, I felt lonely so I spoke. I talked to the tree that towered over me, & it seemed to listen. I sat & told the tree about my friends. I told it about my home life & how much I was looking forward to leaving. For so long I just spoke, it just listened & it was simple. Maybe none of us are supposed to find what we're looking for, maybe that something is meant to find us.

Doubt

"The doubting poet spends so much of his time wondering if he should be more sure of himself, that he no longer composes anything, let alone himself." - Peter Blue Cloud
Doubt is the seed of confusion.
Once the seed is planted, everything is in disarray.
But the sun will shine & life will continue.
The rain will fall & the seed will grow
Then it breaks through the surface,
It will branch out.
On one side will be the doubt that leads to good,
Then will come the doubt that tears you apart,
Right in the middle is life,
A path that is the center of all things.
You can become that person who doubts everything,
Or the person who couldn't care less.
I want to be the girl who couldn't care less,
To be able to hear the words of doubt & make note.
But in the long run, unless good doubt, it'll roll off,
Like rain off a window.
Because if you take every little bit of doubt
You fall apart, because nothing is right.
Every move you make is the wrong one.
Sometimes we need to ignore the doubt,
& make way for the confidence we need.
For everyday is a new beginning.
So take that road of positivity,
& ride it to the sunset.

I Can See You Now

I can see you now,
Alone in your room
Lonely without me & I without you.
No one to make me feel safe.
Without you I feel cold
As if I have the chills & beginning to fold.
I miss seeing your face break into a smile,
It's been less than a day, but it feels like awhile.
How did you do this, you got under my skin?
You took away my shields, so I'm here to begin.
I can see you now,
The way that you laugh at me,
When I act too silly.
Did you know that I like you,
Much more than I should?
You're constantly on my mind
I'd shut you out if I could.
It's so distracting to have you in my head.
School is demanding & I need to relax,
& when I'm around you, I kind of freak out.
I can see you now,
& the image gives me butterflies.
My face begins to smile without my consent.
You are the first guy I let in completely in a long time,
It scares me to death to put my heart on the line.
So if I run away & curl up to hide
It's because I don't want a roller coaster ride.
Remember that I'm stupid & ridiculous,
Constantly chasing my own tail.
Be patient with me, for I am with you,
Desperately in like with you.
I can see you now,
& it's everything I've ever wanted.

The Fool

I can hardly believe it,
That I'm playing the fool.
For the past few years I've been all logic,
Now I'm just full of bliss,
Everything is sunshine & roses,
But even still, I'm nervous for this.
My past hasn't been filled with romance,
As a matter of fact, it's been 3 years.
Trust was never my strong suit,
But I'll put it on for you.
Here I am, I've let down my defenses,
Out in the open, you can see all of me.
Do not hurt me, please I beg you.
All I want is for this to last forever,
Just sit in your arms.
We both have baggage, so I'll leave mine at the door.
You're under my skin, keeping me safe,
Let me in & I will guard you.
See me as I am when I'm with you.
Plain as day, you'll know I'm the fool,
Quietly sustained in happiness.
Do you feel the same way?
I love to see that smile light up your face.
When I'm alone, all I can do is picture you,
& my happy smiles can't be repressed.
He never made me feel safe the way you do,
Not even for a second.
My friends are surprised by my silly smiles,
Time drags when we're apart.
Flushed cheeks, bright eyes, & a smile
Are all I see when I look in the mirror,
Like a face I can't recognize, the face of a fool.
But when I look closer, I realize I'm the fool.

Get It

You just don't get it.
After all we've been through, you still don't get it.
The moment our friendship was created
That was the moment you decided.
Make the decision again, I'm giving you this chance.
Here's your chance to get rid of me forever.
Do you want me or not?
A simple yes or no question,
But even now you don't get it.
You put yourself in my life
You can't just take yourself out.
You don't get it!
I need you & if you don't want me just tell me.
Just say the magic words & I'm gone.
Pain isn't new to me, it's a part of life.
I'm willing to disappear from your life,
That is if that's what you want.
Please make a decision.
Life is meant to do this, this is what happens,
So why don't you get it?!?
I've sat here, your friend this whole time
I think the world of you, stop putting yourself down.
Maybe I should just disappear off the face of the planet,
Then maybe you'd figure this out.
Do you need me in your life the way I need you in mine?
Because if you don't, just tell me so & I'll leave.
I can handle the emptiness, I have before.
Why don't you get it?
What about this is confusing you so much?
I tell you exactly what I'm thinking,
But you always edit & cut out important things.
Is it such a sin to miss you?
I don't really care as long as you can get it.

I'm Not Here Anymore

I'm not here anymore.
You may see my face, you may hear my voice,
But it's not me you're talking to.
The words my mouth says are the ones you want to hear,
The smile displayed is another projection for you.
I'm not here anymore.
Where am I, you my wonder?
It's a mystery to me,
Maybe I'm floating, perhaps I'm just dead,
All that's left of me is a shell.
I'm not here anymore.

Not Anyone's Fault

You never know how to act,
Only focusing on yourself.
How can you claim to care, when you don't.
Saying things you think are kind,
Makes her push you out of her mind.
You screwed up, go out & fix it.
& if you don't, then you threw her away.
It's not her fault you lost your temper,
It's not your fault that she left you alone,
It's not anyone's fault that things fell apart here,
But it's your fault you didn't fix it.
She was your closest friend,
The one who didn't pretend.
When you needed someone she was there.
All the time she was laughing,
You didn't realize it wasn't because of you.
She fell for your friend, & you threw them away.
It's not his fault, that he fell for her too,
It's not your fault, they chose each other,
It's not anyone's fault that things fell apart here,
But it's your fault you didn't fix it.
News flash, the world isn't out to get you,
Everyone's life is tough.
Your not the only one who feels this way,
It's happened to me & am I acting your way?
No because it's no one's fault that this happened,
Only you are to blame for feeling like this.
Let her go, let him go, let your anger go,
Because being angry won't get her to like you,
It won't make you feel better.
It's just going to dig you deeper & deeper in.
It's not your fault, nor is it her's,
Only you can decide how to feel.

Like Her

I don't want to be like her.
I don't want to make you wait
I don't want to leave you out in the cold
No broken promises, no mixed messages
I don't want to hurt you like she did
You are my world.
There are no other guys, no one but you.
When I say those stupid things
I flinch at your recoil
Because I don't want to be her.
I hope you never hate me like you hate her.
That is my biggest fear
I don't want to mess this up
So I keep my phone in my hand
Just to be sure I don't miss you
When I make you wait I can't breathe.
I don't want to be her
Never do I want to break your heart
Because if I do, I'll be break mine too
Getting your texts are the best parts of my day.
Staying up to talk to you is a joy
But I feel like if I didn't, you'd leave.
I'm so used to conditional love
Fearing what'll happen if I make a mistake
I don' want to be her
I want you to hear my name & smile
Please be patient with me
Because I mess up a lot
Constantly tripping over my own feet
Saying the wrong thing every time.
I am afraid of losing you
You are the one guy I've always wanted
So I never want to be like her.

Written on February 21, 2012

All You've Gotta Do

All you've gotta do is breathe.
Close you're eyes, count to ten & let it go
There are somethings that just aren't worth it.
No offense, but this is one of those things
Why get your undies in a bundle over the little stuff?
Save your nerves the stress.
Just relax, everything's gonna be okay
You're not gonna die, one day you won't even remember this
Get over your past, move on because there's nothing to change
All you're gotta do is breathe
Turn you're heels & walk away
I know it's hard but it's not worth it
As a wise man once said, "This too shall pass."
Take it with a grain of salt
Or apply any cliche of your choice
Believe it or not, you're not alone in this
Your life is just starting out
Everything gets better.
All you've gotta do is breathe
Who am I to tell you it's all going to be okay?
What do I know of the agony in your chest?
I can't have ever felt that nothingness that grips you.
But I have, I feel it at this very moment
How can I know that it will all  turn out okay?
Those shoes you're wearing?
I've put them on & taken them off far too many times
Trust me when I say, there is so much more waiting for you.
All you've gotta do is breathe
Get past this part of your life, hold on
Someday soon you'll wake up & those shoes will be gone
Their voices & actions will be far behind you.
For now, you've got me to lean on
& I won't rest until you do what you've gotta do & breathe.

How Far?

How far will you go before you come back to me?
I'm willing to wait until the end of time
But leading me on like this is cruel.
My heart has been laid out for you
There's nothing that you've said
I try & try & try but you give me nothing back.
How far will you go, a mile, 2 miles, a lifetime?
Will you love me like you said you did?
Or was that just another beautiful line you gave?
I never thought you'd make me sit in silence,
But I suppose that's what I get
For loving you so deeply without a life line.
How far will you go, will you disappear from sight?
What on earth did I do to upset you so much
This silence is gold, because it's dragging me down
Far too heavy for me to be able to breathe.
I'm drowning in this silence, love, I'm smothered by your lack of words.
Are we going to fix this, or will my heart break once more?
How far will you go with your half of my heart?
Please bring it back, please come home to me.
Chills run up & down my spine, freezing me slowly
Where have you gone, my love, where have you gone?
I will be here until you no longer want me.
So please end this silence & speak to me.
Do you or do you not want me or love me?
I've needed you every night but you're not there.
I don't know what I'm going to do without you,
Because I can tell that this is not going to end well.
I won't lie, I'm terrified because I know you're going to leave.
How far will you go, love, how far will you go?
& when should I expect your return?

There You Go Again

There you go again, lecturing me like always,
Why do you always pull that card?
It gets so old & boring & insulting.
Maybe the way you work isn't the way you work.
I do what you say & maybe sometimes have an attitude, but you would too.
Don't tell me about when you were young
You would NEVER have done that,
Well I know you did because you're human,
Just like everyone else.
You're not perfect,
You're not special,
You're just like me & every other teenager you talk about.
There you go again,
Getting in my face as if you have a right
To demand I tell you how I'm feeling.
If I don't feel like telling you all I feel or think,
I don't see what the problem is!
You would never tell me what is going on,
So why can't I keep to myself?
I find it really rude & disrespectful, but as if you cared.
No matter what you may say to me, you rarely respect me.
Feeding me, keeping a roof over my head,
Getting me new clothes, & sending me to a good school,
That's not respecting me, it's doing your job as a parent.
You made me so it's your job to take care of me the best you can.
There you go again,
Not even listening.
Sometimes you listen but you never EVER hear me.
It goes in one ear, maybe detours to the mind,
Then to the heart, then it goes out the other ear & nothing ever happens.
I'm so sick of that happening.
I try my best, I do what I can,
You know that it's true
But I feel like every new day is another long list of stuff to do for you.
There you go again,
Up go those walls, now it doesn't matter.

I wrote this freshman year, if you couldn't tell. I couldn't spell to save my life & my grammer was AWFUL!!! But I fixed it in a way to make it true to its original form & not painful to read. ANGST! Oh well. Some of it is still true, but there's more there now.