Living In A Fairytale Gone Wrong

I know my parents meant for me to be happy,
But all their good intentions went down the drain.
I'm happy but I'm sad & I've got no one to comprehend how I feel anyways.
Mom hates me, dad's disappointed, I try my best but it just gets harder.
If I tried to be free, I'd fear for what'd happen to me.
If I dream, it's not of here,
My school is like Hogwarts except totally wrong.
I'm Harry Potter & all his friends put together.
All my teachers are okay except for the one I hate!
If life was meant for this, then why am I me?!?
How in the world can I be free?!?
I'm living in a fairytale gone wrong from the start.
I'm no princess & no work of art.
I am meant to be here but it's not working for me.
A fairytale gone wrong is my life!
I dream everyday & I try to smile big,
But when I think of home I go totally mad!
I feel hated, rejected, unwanted, alone!
I'm running against a wall of sorrow.
Running miles but getting nowhere.
How can I be happy with my life?
My world is upside down!
I'm waiting for someone to turn me around.
I can be in a sea of people & still feel all alone.
I'm stuck in a glass ball,
Eyes watching me all the time.
I'm scared & brave!
I'm sweet, I'm sour,
I'm ugly but pretty!
I'm so many things,
It's hard to keep track!

If only I had known that life was just getting started on shit right? I was so silly in middle school, yet that's the only time I had a boy friend ... hmmmmm ....

Can't Hold Me Up

The ground I walk on
The world I'm in
Can't hold me up
Can't hold me up
The friends I have
& the things they say
Can't hold me up
Can't hold me up
No matter what I do
Or what I say
Can't hold me up
Can't hold me up
Even if I'm not who I am
Even if my life ends now
Everything still
Can't hold me up
The way I think &
The way I feel
Can't hold me up
Can't hold me up
The way I am &
The way I'll be
Can't hold me up
Can't hold me up
Even when I'll be so free
No one could ever be me
& I really
Can't hold me up
So when I wake up
My bed & I will fall through
'Cause everything, absolutely everything
Can't hold me up
& nothing ever will.

Obviously a perky young teenager wrote this master piece of bliss. ;)

Close My Eyes

Close my eyes
Make a wish
Blow a kiss to the sky
Life keeps passing me by but no more
Close my eyes
Stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks
I can't stop them anymore
Hold me tight & all will be right again.
If my world is upside down
Could you help me turn it around
Close my eyes
Give me a sense of security
No life has to be bad
I really don't want ot be sad
So put a smile on my face.
Close my eyes
Put me to sleep
Get death out of my mind
Now I can finally weep
I chose right for you are so kind.

Ummm ... it's cute, but ... SO MANY FLAWS! It's so weird thinking back on middle school & wondering, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?!?!?" That & my punctuation is flawless in this. Honestly this might be the BEST poem I've ever written. ;)

I'm Gonna Be There

I'm gonna be there when you trip & fall.
Go ahead, take me down with you,
I'll get us both back up,
& I'll be there.
I'm gonna be there when you need a friend.
Just to show I'm there all the time.
& I'll still love you,
I'll still care if you want me to.

I won't hold you back, no way I can't do that to you! I like you yeah but that don't mean that I chain you down! True, you don't know me really well but hey, if you get to know me I'll be there. Right up until the end.

I'm gonna be there while you're at your first dance.
When you're dancing, I'm grooving,
My eyes on you watching you dance.
You with that girl, who is she?
I'm gonna be there when you fall apart.
I'll help you get back on your feet.
If your heart is broken I'll try to mend it.
I'm your little angel sitting on your shoulder.
I'm gonna be there when you fall in love.
Gonna let my heart break in two.
I'll let you go, I can't chain you,
Go on, I'll catch up!

Remember me when you need me,
'Cause I love you & will be there so .......
I'm Gonna Be There Always!


That is literally how I wrote that in middle school ... obviously I've come a long way ... or at least I hope I have. Oh how silly middle school love was. How I never even knew him, but fell for him, through a smoke screen of lies & misinterpretations ... Gotta love it. ;)

Home

Welcome home, it's been a while
You thought you'd escaped.
But we pulled you back in
The recovering process had finally begun,
& then you got the call.
Yours isn't the love he wants.
Offer him parties, & a roof over his head,
Coldly he declines.
What's wrong with you?
Why doesn't he want you?
Second guessing yourself & taking the blame.
Welcome home, to the place we all run from
The place that punches holes in our dreams.
You thought you could escape.
He may spend time with you
But inside he wants to be elsewhere.
For a while you believed things were back,
That we were as before,
Surprise! & we're back to square one.
Leaving you in the dust.
What were you thinking?
How does it feel to watch him slip away?
The brightly colored set, slowly fades to grey.
Welcome home, to a resting place for despair.
Slowly, so slowly you become engulfed
Drowning in the fear that you're not good enough.
For if you were, why would he have left?
You gave him everything you had.
A life, a chance to succeed
I am so sorry your son has gone astray
But then again, this is home
Where there is no escape from the truth.
Welcome home to reality, we've been expecting you.

Can You

Can you see me?
I've been here all along.
Maybe it's crazy, but it's true.
Never giving up, never giving in
Always on top, except for when I'm not
Yes I'm up & down, up & down,
On & on & on.
Can you hear me?
Sometimes I call out your name.
Yes everyday is the same story
Never losing hope, never losing sight
Always moving up, except for when I drop.
I start on top, then I'm down under
Go & go & go.
Can you feel me?
My hand reaches out to touch yours
You may not believe me, but it does.
Always reaching out, always reaching up
Never close enough, especially when I'm down.
No you always slip away
Further, & further, & further.
Can you sense me?
All I want is to be with you
I know I can't be, but I still wish anyway.
It doesn't matter what pattern I follow.
Words pour from my heart on to this paper.
No matter how hard I try, my words won't stop.
You're beyond my grasp now, & I'm okay
All I want was for you to see me,
For you to hear me, & feel me, & sense me.
But now I can see that you aren't worth it.
Can you see me, hear me, feel me, & sense me?
If you could, you'd see, hear, feel, & sense me slipping away.

Behind: Elephant in the Room

I wrote that poem in study hall in the first week of school. I wrote it about last year & a night when I was with people who I wanted to fit in with. We went to the park for lack of things to do. My grandma was dying in the hospital & I was on my knees that night. That was the night I realized that no matter how much I wanted to be with them, I never could. They had problems, & I know everyone has them, & I'm not trying to brush them aside, that's not the intent I had behind this poem. I have recently been reading a book called The Other One or something like that & it's about the siblings of special needs children. Most people would not even think that that includes me, but ti does. BOTH my younger siblings have special needs. I'm not writing this for anyone reading it, I'm writing this for me. It's hard for me to read that book because it's hard to believe that I'm not alone. Not in the normal way of "OMG I'm all alone in the world, my life suck *cut cut cut*" I love my life. I have the most fun, but there are times when I realize that there are some people I will never truly bond with because they just don't see me. In the book they talk about how each & every one of the people in this book (it's a non-fiction book) feel like this. We slip under the radar, but it's there. Especially with everything that has been going on, this poem/statement applies even more. I am an elephant in the room, no matter what you may say or think. I'm not asking for your opinion, I'm just telling my story, & if you can't listen to it, then stop trying to look into my life. You're not me, you never will be. We all suffer, but that doesn't mean that we all know what it's like. I'm not more hurt than anyone else, but my pain is 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 times harder to understand.

If You Want to Come Back

If you want to come back

There are some things you must do

Some hoops you must jump through

You may like a challenge

But my love is no game.

Once I had trusted you with my heart,

The only thing that is my own.

I placed that fragile, stitched piece of me in your hands,

& you pushed it into the shards of broken dreams.

All those hours, all those moments

Fruitlessly spent for nothing.

If you want to come back,

It's not going to be easy.

A year ago, I locked you out, I threw away the key

Knowing that you had never liked me.

That key is gone, the door sealed shut

My mind is locked to the thought of you

You broke me at a time when I needed you most

Go away if you can't commit to me

I'm not looking for a man, especially not you.

Loneliness is something I've gotten used to.

I'm not a rebound, nor am I a prize.

If you want to come back,

Be ready for a struggle.

My life is great, I feel beautiful

Boys like you always screw it up.

Watch me walk away from you, I have no regrets

I have too much to deal with without you.

I won't say no, but I won't say yes

No matter what, you still hurt me.

Just so you know, I have no lingering crush on you.

My heart is nothing but a wall of steel to you.

If you want to come back,

Stop playing games, be a man, & fight for me.

Boys of the Past

There they are, rolling by

The faces of my past

On they go, like a silent parade

On display, all the boys of my past.

First there was Lee, I "fell" for him in 4th grade.

Asian & smart, clever & clean.

But he "loved" someone else, so on he goes.

Not even stopping to look at me.

Next there was Adrian, he was my 5th grade dream.

He had dated a girl in my class, but I hadn't liked her.

Hispanic & short, popular & mean

I wrote him notes from "someone else" telling him to date me.

He didn't buy it so next was Alexander in 6th grade

Chubby & tall, awkward, white, & smart.

Whenever he was around I spoke twice as loud

I avoided him on the dance floor & wrote a note to apologize

But the note was intercepted & we danced alone in front of everyone.

Emmerson was my 7th grade crush, or at least for a while.

I sat next to him in math & he had the cutest smile.

He was tall & lanky, blonde & adorable.

Never had the courage to tell him, but another caught my eye

Logan was my "true love" in 7th grade, he was a year older

Glasses & brown hair, nerdy & artistic.

My friend kept bothering him & eventually he asked me out

Over the summer he fell for someone else

Then after her, he came back to me again

We dated on & off all through 8th grade & on to 9th.

He followed me to my high school where we promptly broke up

Next came Isaac & this is where it all goes to shit.

He was blonde & tall, & goofy & wonderful.

I still missed Logan but Isaac was so sweet

Eventually we dated after much pressure but only for 2 days

See, I never knew if I really liked him.

He disappeared & that was that so now we're on sophomore year

Isaac had my thoughts until December 5th when we fought.

Charles was a hottie that I met in a show

He & I couldn't have worked because he was so old.

Back came Isaac & he stole my attention.

Then lost it again as Junior year started up.

Michael was the new guy, tall, dark, & handsome,

He stole my heart & held it for ransom.

We flirted on & on, for months & months

& just when I thought we were close, he jumped to another girl

In study hall there was a curly haired sophomore.

Cute as a button & geeky too, he held my gaze.

Andy was his name & I couldn't help but crush out.

Writing notes, giggling, & flirting like kids.

He asked me to prom & I said obviously yes & did a little dance.

I was so excited, hoping he'd ask me out

The day of the prom brought a lovely surprise.

not only did he not like me, he liked my friend.

They'd been talking about me behind my back the whole time

I moped all summer & now I'm a senior.

Isaac came back, my heart weakened

I let myself go, to fall into his arms

& all I found were knifes.

Now Michael is back & at his old games.

Who to choose? How to feel?

I watch their faces parade on by.

Lee, Adrian, Alexander, Emmerson, Logan, Isaac, Michael, Andy.

Each frozen in a memory.

Sure I wrote their names on little pieces of paper

& lit their names on fire with all the lies.

They may have kicked me when I was down.

But all their faces are imprinted in my mind.

Those boys all left, but there's something left behind.

no matter what I say, or how I feel,

I still love them, for the changes they made

To make this Princess Behind the Frog.