Sex

I am a black sheep. Honestly this entire society is becoming run off of sexuality. It makes me SO mad. Is that silly? I don't think so. All I hear from my friends is sex sometimes & it just makes my blood boil. They have no idea. They just don't & they may never understand how precious & beautiful it is supposed & how ill they treat it. To them, it's all selfish & repulsive. Honestly I can't listen to them for longer than 10 min without wanting to barf. I'm not innocent because I value what sex is. That's not innocence. Innocence is the lack of knowledge. I've lost faith in my generation. Complete & total failures is all my generation is going to turn into if we can't get our hormones in check. It's time to step it up & realize what LIFE is about. It's not that. Don't have random sex & then claim that you can kill an unborn life because you wanted to feel good. That is the epitome of selfishness. ARG it makes me so mad. Don't create life if you aren't ready to take care of it. I guess that's what people don't want to believe is that sex isn't about you, it's about life. It's about creating something & bringing him or her into a world of love and safety. But that's not what my ignorant generation thinks of. They just think about themselves and how they feel at that moment. It makes me so mad. SO MAD!!!!!!!!

Ventadge

So I'm trying to find myself. I know that sounds weird since most people can look at me and say,"Hey, there's a girl who knows who she is & is comfortable with that." Well, I'm a liar. Or an actress, that sounds less dramatic. I actually have no idea who I am. I've spent my whole life trying to figure out who I should be & hiding the pains that come with life that now it's hurting me. People think I'm a poser or liar & they're right but about the wrong things. The things that ARE the truth most people are thinking is the lie. Plus how can I act a character when I'm already playing a character? See my problem? SO I'm trying to find the real me. It's buried, I mean I have to go through over 12 years of character creation! I'm trying though, I really am, but sometimes I forget. I need to get away for awhile. By myself. Somewhere peaceful. That was the real reason I wanted to go to Indiana, to find myself beside a lake, far away from the people who hold their power over me the way a king & queen hold their power of the kingdom. They aren't horrible people & they do try to be kind, but they aren't. But I can't go to Indiana, so my plan B is St. Olaf. It seems like a really sweet school & it's an hour away which is plenty far (not as far as I'd like but that's life). I'm so deprived. There are three boys I could like at any given moment. One is completely & totally off limits at this point, & the other I doubt would ever go for a nut like me. Which I'm partly glad about because I'm a lot to deal with. Gah I needed to say those things. No I probably will not have a boy friend for a couple more years & no one notices that I'm not exactly there everyday because they're busy worrying about themselves & everyone else. I actually enjoy it. I like being invisible. My friends see me & say "You look cute today!" check it off their list & continue on. Oh goodness I'm just venting now but since there isn't really anyone else to vent to I have to find someone to do that for me & since I have 2 followers, both of which are extremely busy, I think I'm safe.

Growing Up

So I had a dream last night that I was going to graduate today & I totally lost it. I sobbed for a REALLY long time ... I am completely petrified of growing up. Suddenly, there are 250000000000000000 new responsibilities and you have to know how to take all of that crap and turn it into something beautiful. I won't lie, I'm scared shit less. I have to be starting my new job soon, and drive, and look at colleges, and take the ACT all while having daily migraines that no one can seem to fix ... and still be expected to keep my sanity! I want to go to Neverland and never have to grow up. Wouldn't that be easier? Just to run away from my problems? I was never the type to run away from something that means the world to me. And I won't either. I will go to a good college, and fall in love with some great guy and have a full and beautiful life. No one can stop me, not even me, because there's part of me that can't wait to grow up. The part that made me go on Steel Venom just to shake myself so I can do anything. Yes I'm scared, scared I'll fail, scared I won't be strong enough, scared I'll ruin everything for myself, but let's face it, even I don't have that kind of control over my life. In the end I just gotta trust God knows what He's doing up there. Ugh my nerves can't handle this. I'm making baby steps, getting into the higher dance level, driving my dog to the vet, looking at colleges and trying to study for the ACT. It's not easy when my migraines make me feel like a different person, but I've got help. Just look at how amazing my friends are! Always there, putting up with me and my OCD self. I am pathetic. Always afraid to step out into the open, fearful of the people who I know judge me every single day. Ugh I'm working on it. I'm working out, practicing stuff, trying my best to get on top of my game. I'll be fine, I will. I've got my game plan. Well here's to hoping. This should be the week guys.

Dreams

Fulfilling dreams form ages ago seems so hopeless but when you really look at it, those who've kept dreams and fulfilled them are more happy than people who fulfilled dreams that were made within a couple weeks. Lift to me is so much more fun if you go out and experience it yourself. Sitting in a room having someone teach you is fine, but sometimes you just need to go out and learn things for yourself. I have dreamed of a world where you could do things for you, not someone else. Where you live for today not tomorrow. No one can tell you what to do or how to do it. There you don't have to deal with adults who don't fell like having fun. Sure some adults are awesome but some want to control every move I make. Never let people control who you are. No one is worth that much. Only God should have that power. Don't lose yourself just because someone is a different way. Love WHO you are more than WHAT you are. Dream. If you don't have your dreams you don't really have yourself. When you feel like giving up, and throwing in the towel, don't. Life may get you down every once in a while but if you give in what's the point of starting? When you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I always will be. Sometimes it may not seem that way, but I always will.
... Okay I wrote that forever ago & forgot how completely and totally cheesy that was ... but I'll stick with it because what am I if not cheesy? I may edit this later ...