Live It Up

Little tiny people dancing in the square

Pretending they do not care

Every little thing those little people do,

Is watched, how do you know that no one's watching you?

Sitting alone in class

Wishing you could be outside in the grass

All those moments you wasted away

You want them back, come what may.

Those people in the square know they're being seen

As if they're on some strange gigantic screen.

Broadcasted across the world like some kind of show

Each one trying to be the best, to glow

Isn't that what we each want?

To have a lot of talents to flaunt?

When will we look for the magic in life?

Everyday we only focus on pain & strife

Life has so much more to give

All that we must do is truly live.

Flowing through the motions

Will only wash you into the oceans

There are so many ways

To fill these crazy days

Little games or treats or joys

Which can help you block out the noise

No sense in wasting your time

On a life that is less than sublime

Stop waiting for your life to start

Do it yourself, follow your heart

Be the one to notice the people in the street

They who are following each & every beat

Without those who stray from the path

We still wouldn't be able to take a bath

Step up, reach out, be alive & feel the magic.

I want to be the mover, the shaker, the wizard, the quaker

She who can do nothing wrong in anyone's eyes.

Each day I stand before you waiting for you to say something

To open your lips & tell me I'm beautiful

But I'm not that girl, I'm just wall paper

Another student in another class at your school.

You don't have to tell me I'm not the dating type, I know that.

I'm the best friend, the one no one ever dreams of dating.

That much I do know, because that's how it;s always been.

Cute & adorable? Hot & datable? I'm neither.

Girly is not what I am, beautiful is not what I am.

Plain & ordinary, like the next page of this notebook.

When I walk by, no one even looks twice because who notices the furniture?

Flirty, I'm not, reliability is all I've got.

Even that bores guys out of their minds.

I am a book, deep & intellectual, difficult, & hard to read.

Other girls are magazines, simple but pretty, exciting but short lived.

Serious, I'm far too serious & complicated too.

Anything a guy wants I haven't got, not a single thing.

No girlish giggle, nor perfect face to draw a male in

Nothing but a clumsy, ridiculous life & look.

I do try, but it hardily works.

So everyday I come to school & try to put out my best

But no one notices me, so how can I become who I want to be?

While each day passes, I find myself fading away.

Only wishing to dream of the magic I used to feel

Moving people with every word I said.

Shaking their worlds with my talents.

I tricked people into believing I had the magic of power,

& I made kids quake when I walked through the halls.

Now I'm part of the scenery of someone else's love story,

How much longer must I wait until I am once again,

Moving, shaking, whizzing, & quaking the world?

Memory Lane

Taking a walk through memory lane

Remembering those summers spent in blissful happiness

Tip toeing through the halls I used to conquer,

Sniffing the smells that are better than any perfume

For perfumes are only scented water, holding no memories, no emotion.

This wraps me in rememberings of the best days of my life.

Days engulfed in playing & laughter, along with adventures

Spending time with people who loved me so very much,

No matter what mommy says.

I pray I never forget those summers

When I got to test my wings for a few special days

Those days made me who I am now

I got to control my fate, got to make decisions.

Got to stay up late & sleep in, got to get presents of the most wondrous kind.

Nostalgia of this kind is the best

Allowing the pictures to run through my mind

Re-assembling those beautiful clips of my other life.

It was my safe place, my harbor.

How my little heart broke when it was striped from me.

How many nights I cried for the things I'd never get back

My childish hands clasping around the beautiful gifts as I tried to stay strong.

But what is done, is done, life has gone on.

My heart is still so open to them, still wide open.

That was a different time of my life.

A time when I had an older companion, a big brother.

A time when there had been no boys to twist my heart into something I can't recognize.

Those days are long since past, but I have a feeling they are still here.

Inside our minds & inside our heart

Learning things, growing up that's what did happen.

It is still happening, every second.

They were the people who believed I could be anything

I want to think they still do, but so many don't.

What does it matter? It will only ruin happy recollections

Of days I wish hadn't had to end.

Because when I walk through that house,

I am eight again, feeling so safe in their loving arms.

Rainbow

I'm a rainbow

But I'm not so beautiful

Too many colors to make me work

It may be impossible to make sense of

For I am too much for most to handle

When you look at me, all you see is a face.

Not ugly, not pretty, just an ordinary face.

That is all I am to you, if even that

Perhaps I'm simply a body that gets in your way

Or a mass, not a girl or a guy.

How sad, that I am too much for you

Why can't you just get over it?

Rainbows are often unseen or forgotten

But they are also a promise from God.

As am I, a promise that you'll never be alone.

It doesn't matter how well you know me

If I'm not here emotionally, I am physically

You can always depend on my being around

Every single day, I will be a mass

Depend upon it, I be here to get in the way.

Some day I'll be beautiful

Maybe then I'll be more than a mass

What will happen then? Will you see me?

That day may not be too far away.

Everyday I'm a little more beautiful

Taking baby steps to my true potential

A beautiful ray of colors, arched across the sky

Perfection in the imperfection of humanity

Holding out my hands & what will happen then>

I'll be more than a mass, more than a face.

You'll understand me at long last

Music will be he air we breathe

And we'll be people, rainbows, all connected.

Innocence

I am not your little sister.

Nor am I innocent as you deem me,

Morals doesn't make me innocent nor young.

Just because I am not as vulgarly open as you are, doesn't make me less.

Don't put me down so you can move up.

I know where my real intentions lie.

You don't know what that means,

You only think of what you may have to gain

& it hurts me, I will not deny.

You could have been so much more than you are

All of you wouldn't be where you are,

If you would have thought before you leaped into that monster's jaw.

I wish you would learn before you make an enormous mistake.

But I know you won't, because that's who you've become.

My heart breaks & then it boils

For the innocence you threw away

I'm sorry that you never learned what I know.

Because from now on you'll pay on & on.

You won't even know it until everything is done.

Don't call me young & innocence because I have pride.

Just because I don't find pleasure in being vulgar doesn't mean I don't know.

So keep your judgements off of me & I'll keep mine off of you.

I'll be here once you realize that this life is the one everyone takes.

& that it's not the one you want to.

Sex

I am a black sheep. Honestly this entire society is becoming run off of sexuality. It makes me SO mad. Is that silly? I don't think so. All I hear from my friends is sex sometimes & it just makes my blood boil. They have no idea. They just don't & they may never understand how precious & beautiful it is supposed & how ill they treat it. To them, it's all selfish & repulsive. Honestly I can't listen to them for longer than 10 min without wanting to barf. I'm not innocent because I value what sex is. That's not innocence. Innocence is the lack of knowledge. I've lost faith in my generation. Complete & total failures is all my generation is going to turn into if we can't get our hormones in check. It's time to step it up & realize what LIFE is about. It's not that. Don't have random sex & then claim that you can kill an unborn life because you wanted to feel good. That is the epitome of selfishness. ARG it makes me so mad. Don't create life if you aren't ready to take care of it. I guess that's what people don't want to believe is that sex isn't about you, it's about life. It's about creating something & bringing him or her into a world of love and safety. But that's not what my ignorant generation thinks of. They just think about themselves and how they feel at that moment. It makes me so mad. SO MAD!!!!!!!!

Ventadge

So I'm trying to find myself. I know that sounds weird since most people can look at me and say,"Hey, there's a girl who knows who she is & is comfortable with that." Well, I'm a liar. Or an actress, that sounds less dramatic. I actually have no idea who I am. I've spent my whole life trying to figure out who I should be & hiding the pains that come with life that now it's hurting me. People think I'm a poser or liar & they're right but about the wrong things. The things that ARE the truth most people are thinking is the lie. Plus how can I act a character when I'm already playing a character? See my problem? SO I'm trying to find the real me. It's buried, I mean I have to go through over 12 years of character creation! I'm trying though, I really am, but sometimes I forget. I need to get away for awhile. By myself. Somewhere peaceful. That was the real reason I wanted to go to Indiana, to find myself beside a lake, far away from the people who hold their power over me the way a king & queen hold their power of the kingdom. They aren't horrible people & they do try to be kind, but they aren't. But I can't go to Indiana, so my plan B is St. Olaf. It seems like a really sweet school & it's an hour away which is plenty far (not as far as I'd like but that's life). I'm so deprived. There are three boys I could like at any given moment. One is completely & totally off limits at this point, & the other I doubt would ever go for a nut like me. Which I'm partly glad about because I'm a lot to deal with. Gah I needed to say those things. No I probably will not have a boy friend for a couple more years & no one notices that I'm not exactly there everyday because they're busy worrying about themselves & everyone else. I actually enjoy it. I like being invisible. My friends see me & say "You look cute today!" check it off their list & continue on. Oh goodness I'm just venting now but since there isn't really anyone else to vent to I have to find someone to do that for me & since I have 2 followers, both of which are extremely busy, I think I'm safe.