I Still ...

I still feel him.
His racing heart,
His fiery touch,
His prickly chin,
His smooth skin.
I still love him.
His beautiful eyes,
His passionate heart,
His electric smile,
His fierce soul.
I still hear him.
His deep deep voice,
His soothing tone,
His words so piercing,
His anger red hot.
I still need him.
His love so true,
His presence supportive,
His arms inviting,
His intensity.
I still taste him.
His salty sweat,
His sweet kiss,
His sleepy drool,
His awful sick.
I still want him.
His big hands,
His perfect lips,
His broad chest,
His muscular jaw.
I still smell him.
His addictive popcorn,
His light cologne,
His cozy chest,
His entire home.
I'll always miss him.
I'll always feel him.
I'll always need him.
I'll always love him.

Get It

You just don't get it.
After all we've been through, you still don't get it.
The moment our friendship was created
That was the moment you decided.
Make the decision again, I'm giving you this chance.
Here's your chance to get rid of me forever.
Do you want me or not?
A simple yes or no question,
But even now you don't get it.
You put yourself in my life
You can't just take yourself out.
You don't get it!
I need you & if you don't want me just tell me.
Just say the magic words & I'm gone.
Pain isn't new to me, it's a part of life.
I'm willing to disappear from your life,
That is if that's what you want.
Please make a decision.
Life is meant to do this, this is what happens,
So why don't you get it?!?
I've sat here, your friend this whole time
I think the world of you, stop putting yourself down.
Maybe I should just disappear off the face of the planet,
Then maybe you'd figure this out.
Do you need me in your life the way I need you in mine?
Because if you don't, just tell me so & I'll leave.
I can handle the emptiness, I have before.
Why don't you get it?
What about this is confusing you so much?
I tell you exactly what I'm thinking,
But you always edit & cut out important things.
Is it such a sin to miss you?
I don't really care as long as you can get it.

I'm Not Here Anymore

I'm not here anymore.
You may see my face, you may hear my voice,
But it's not me you're talking to.
The words my mouth says are the ones you want to hear,
The smile displayed is another projection for you.
I'm not here anymore.
Where am I, you my wonder?
It's a mystery to me,
Maybe I'm floating, perhaps I'm just dead,
All that's left of me is a shell.
I'm not here anymore.

Not Anyone's Fault

You never know how to act,
Only focusing on yourself.
How can you claim to care, when you don't.
Saying things you think are kind,
Makes her push you out of her mind.
You screwed up, go out & fix it.
& if you don't, then you threw her away.
It's not her fault you lost your temper,
It's not your fault that she left you alone,
It's not anyone's fault that things fell apart here,
But it's your fault you didn't fix it.
She was your closest friend,
The one who didn't pretend.
When you needed someone she was there.
All the time she was laughing,
You didn't realize it wasn't because of you.
She fell for your friend, & you threw them away.
It's not his fault, that he fell for her too,
It's not your fault, they chose each other,
It's not anyone's fault that things fell apart here,
But it's your fault you didn't fix it.
News flash, the world isn't out to get you,
Everyone's life is tough.
Your not the only one who feels this way,
It's happened to me & am I acting your way?
No because it's no one's fault that this happened,
Only you are to blame for feeling like this.
Let her go, let him go, let your anger go,
Because being angry won't get her to like you,
It won't make you feel better.
It's just going to dig you deeper & deeper in.
It's not your fault, nor is it her's,
Only you can decide how to feel.

Like Her

I don't want to be like her.
I don't want to make you wait
I don't want to leave you out in the cold
No broken promises, no mixed messages
I don't want to hurt you like she did
You are my world.
There are no other guys, no one but you.
When I say those stupid things
I flinch at your recoil
Because I don't want to be her.
I hope you never hate me like you hate her.
That is my biggest fear
I don't want to mess this up
So I keep my phone in my hand
Just to be sure I don't miss you
When I make you wait I can't breathe.
I don't want to be her
Never do I want to break your heart
Because if I do, I'll be break mine too
Getting your texts are the best parts of my day.
Staying up to talk to you is a joy
But I feel like if I didn't, you'd leave.
I'm so used to conditional love
Fearing what'll happen if I make a mistake
I don' want to be her
I want you to hear my name & smile
Please be patient with me
Because I mess up a lot
Constantly tripping over my own feet
Saying the wrong thing every time.
I am afraid of losing you
You are the one guy I've always wanted
So I never want to be like her.

Written on February 21, 2012

Minor Update

I've been suffering with Depression for 8 months now & only recently have I come to the realization that it's kicking my butt. I just can't seem to get past certain things that have happened to me. Do you ever feel that way? If you read my blog, enjoy anything on here & you agree, or it speaks to you, please feel free to comment. Not only would it mean a lot to me, but it would be fantastic to help me grow as a writer. We're all in this together, we're all just a bunch of beautiful masses swirling around this place we call earth. No, it may not feel beautiful, but it is. Maybe someday soon I'll be able to see past the rain.
Keep strong, & let me know what's on your mind!

Depression

The rain keeps on falling.
Nothing can stop it.
No film, no piece of literature,
No companion, nor random encounter.
Only endless rain, day in & day out.
Sometimes you can forget,
When you're in the arms of a loved one,
Or maybe in your dreams where life is fixed.
War is gone, his love is back, no stress, no pain.
But you wake up, & the rain is beating on your window.
Drowning you slowly, like water torture.
The worst part about the rain,
Is that no one else can feel it.
The constant down pour is undetectable to the rest of the world.
With the rain comes isolation
Stifling any hope from your heart.
Eventually the rain becomes habitual.
A time before it cannot be recalled.
By that point, help feels irrelevant.
As the rain rolls down your skin,
Life becomes a pretense, laden with lies.
It's not intentional, it just happens.
The words slip out to avoid a thunderstorm.
Every moment in the rain removes the life from you
Desperation to remove the pain
Morphs the goals you once had.
Instead you simply struggle to survive.
All the losses suffered, haunting every breath,
Curing the agony alone is impossible,
But that doesn't stop you from trying.
Superficial sunshine is so easy to find
Addiction is inevitable.
Anything to escape the rain.
But no matter how hard you try,
No matter how long you stay in bed,
You can watch hours of animations & sketches,
Or spend your days shopping for things you don't need.
In the end, it's all short term,
The rain will outlast it all.