I Can't

I can't do this.
I can't go through all of this again,
I just flat out can't.
There are things that are best left alone,
Personally I think this is one of those things.
I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
Can you believe there's such a difference?
This may sound selfish, but I want you to like me.
Not because I like you (I don't think),
But because it makes me feel special.
I hate thinking this, but it's the truth.
Who knows if one day we'll end up together?
For now, I just don't want to think about it.
Maybe I want you to like me because then you'll actually talk,
Then it actually seems like we're friends.
You are a wonderful guy & I wish you well,
But you've got to see it from my point of view.
I can't date & honestly, right now I don't want to.
Please let me find my place of peace for now.
Let's be best friends like we were for so long,
Then once I'm 16 we can start thinking about this.
I know it's hard & I never wished it to be this way.
Give me a chance to breathe, a chance to think,
Because all of that drama is stressful.
Don't think I'm blowing you off because I'm not,
That's the last thing I want to do to you.
So understand that I'm just putting it on a shelf,
Because I can't do this.
I can't go through all of that again,
I just flat out can't.
Not because I don't want to, but because I'm just not ready.
There are things that are best left alone for awhile,
Personally, I think this is one of those things.

Searching In The Woods

I was walking frantically through the woods, trying to find something. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, maybe myself, maybe a long lost friend. There comes a time while we are looking when we just stop looking. Not because we're tired or bored, but just because. The funny thing is that during the time you stop, you usually find what you're looking for. So I stopped & just sat on the ground. I simply listened to what was going on around me. After awhile, I felt lonely so I spoke. I talked to the tree that towered over me, & it seemed to listen. I sat & told the tree about my friends. I told it about my home life & how much I was looking forward to leaving. For so long I just spoke, it just listened & it was simple. Maybe none of us are supposed to find what we're looking for, maybe that something is meant to find us.

Doubt

"The doubting poet spends so much of his time wondering if he should be more sure of himself, that he no longer composes anything, let alone himself." - Peter Blue Cloud
Doubt is the seed of confusion.
Once the seed is planted, everything is in disarray.
But the sun will shine & life will continue.
The rain will fall & the seed will grow
Then it breaks through the surface,
It will branch out.
On one side will be the doubt that leads to good,
Then will come the doubt that tears you apart,
Right in the middle is life,
A path that is the center of all things.
You can become that person who doubts everything,
Or the person who couldn't care less.
I want to be the girl who couldn't care less,
To be able to hear the words of doubt & make note.
But in the long run, unless good doubt, it'll roll off,
Like rain off a window.
Because if you take every little bit of doubt
You fall apart, because nothing is right.
Every move you make is the wrong one.
Sometimes we need to ignore the doubt,
& make way for the confidence we need.
For everyday is a new beginning.
So take that road of positivity,
& ride it to the sunset.

I Can See You Now

I can see you now,
Alone in your room
Lonely without me & I without you.
No one to make me feel safe.
Without you I feel cold
As if I have the chills & beginning to fold.
I miss seeing your face break into a smile,
It's been less than a day, but it feels like awhile.
How did you do this, you got under my skin?
You took away my shields, so I'm here to begin.
I can see you now,
The way that you laugh at me,
When I act too silly.
Did you know that I like you,
Much more than I should?
You're constantly on my mind
I'd shut you out if I could.
It's so distracting to have you in my head.
School is demanding & I need to relax,
& when I'm around you, I kind of freak out.
I can see you now,
& the image gives me butterflies.
My face begins to smile without my consent.
You are the first guy I let in completely in a long time,
It scares me to death to put my heart on the line.
So if I run away & curl up to hide
It's because I don't want a roller coaster ride.
Remember that I'm stupid & ridiculous,
Constantly chasing my own tail.
Be patient with me, for I am with you,
Desperately in like with you.
I can see you now,
& it's everything I've ever wanted.

The Fool

I can hardly believe it,
That I'm playing the fool.
For the past few years I've been all logic,
Now I'm just full of bliss,
Everything is sunshine & roses,
But even still, I'm nervous for this.
My past hasn't been filled with romance,
As a matter of fact, it's been 3 years.
Trust was never my strong suit,
But I'll put it on for you.
Here I am, I've let down my defenses,
Out in the open, you can see all of me.
Do not hurt me, please I beg you.
All I want is for this to last forever,
Just sit in your arms.
We both have baggage, so I'll leave mine at the door.
You're under my skin, keeping me safe,
Let me in & I will guard you.
See me as I am when I'm with you.
Plain as day, you'll know I'm the fool,
Quietly sustained in happiness.
Do you feel the same way?
I love to see that smile light up your face.
When I'm alone, all I can do is picture you,
& my happy smiles can't be repressed.
He never made me feel safe the way you do,
Not even for a second.
My friends are surprised by my silly smiles,
Time drags when we're apart.
Flushed cheeks, bright eyes, & a smile
Are all I see when I look in the mirror,
Like a face I can't recognize, the face of a fool.
But when I look closer, I realize I'm the fool.

Let Me Be

I just have one thing to say,
Let me be.
Honestly, every time I turn, you're right there.
Well, almost every time.
You're not there when you need to be.
Sometimes I wonder how you think.
For so long you push me away,
Then you get upset when I'm not close to you.
Let me be.
If you're not going to be a parent, go away.
You have NO idea how hard it is
To have your parent on top of you
A parent who tells you all the time that life isn't fair.
You just don't get it, you just can't see,
This whole time it's been you pushing me.
Let me be.
Find someone else to take your anger out on.
I'm so sick of being verbally abused.
Why don't you relax?!
Life isn't fair as you constantly tell me,
Could you walk the walk instead of a hypocrite?
You just don't get how stressful my life is too.
Let me be.
The thing is, you don't even know me.
Constantly you act like I'm evil,
But you never take the time to really get to know me.
When you try, you yell & demand I let you in.
Just take a break, count to ten
Start this whole thing over,
Let me be.
I want to forgive you, for all the hateful things you've said,
But it just gets harder
You have no idea what it's like to be me.
Don't pretend to know me & let me be.

I Still ...

I still feel him.
His racing heart,
His fiery touch,
His prickly chin,
His smooth skin.
I still love him.
His beautiful eyes,
His passionate heart,
His electric smile,
His fierce soul.
I still hear him.
His deep deep voice,
His soothing tone,
His words so piercing,
His anger red hot.
I still need him.
His love so true,
His presence supportive,
His arms inviting,
His intensity.
I still taste him.
His salty sweat,
His sweet kiss,
His sleepy drool,
His awful sick.
I still want him.
His big hands,
His perfect lips,
His broad chest,
His muscular jaw.
I still smell him.
His addictive popcorn,
His light cologne,
His cozy chest,
His entire home.
I'll always miss him.
I'll always feel him.
I'll always need him.
I'll always love him.