I'm So Sorry

I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for the lies.
For the bad attitude everyday.
All the things I said I'd do but never did.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to walk out alive.
For not having the will to thrive
All your tough love didn't prepare me enough.
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry for not being enough
For not being so sure & then not at all
All my dreams died with the leafs.
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry for disappointing you
For falling short of your expectations
All the while wasting my time.
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry I didn't have the will to fight
For not knowing how to ask for help
All I really want is support.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry I was too afraid to say goodbye
For letting him win my spirit.
All I wanted was for him to come back.
I'm so sorry,
I'm sorry I don't know how to communicate
For all the horrible things I've said
All I was trying to do was make you listen.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for wanting out
For pushing you away from me.
All the times I've made you miss.
I'm so sorry,
I'm sorry for my resentment, for my anger.
For all those backhanded comments.
For everything I did to hurt you the way I was hurting.
I'm so sorry.

But I'm also thankful.
So thankful for the life you made possible.
Thank you.
Thank you for the gift of music.
Thank you for the gift of teaching.
Thank you for the gift of health.
Thank you for the passion for independence.
Thank you for the passion for life.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Forgive me.
I love you.

Dedicated to my parents.

Reference Point

It doesn’t stop.

When you think of pain, you think of him.

Even if the pain has long since gone,

You still dwell on that time when he split you in two.

It’s a reference point.

For the lowest point in your life.

It doesn’t stop.

When you think of happiness, you think of him.

Even though he has since broken you,

You still recall the way his smile made your day.

It’s a reference point.

For the greatest time of your life.

It doesn’t stop.

When you think of love, you think of him.

Even when you’ve said goodbye to your heart,

You still linger on that feeling of pure security.

It’s a reference point.

For the most evocative chapter in your life.

But remember.

Your life has only just begun.

That love will not be the last.

It may have been the first but others will come.

One day, he will no longer be your reference point.

It’s not a crime to loiter on the past.

Referring to him doesn’t mean you still feel that way.

It just means he is all you’ve known so far.

Don’t allow him that power.

For he left.

He is nothing but a reference point.

A cold, dead memory.

It may feel like reality, but it is nothing but memory.

Never forget.

It may not stop,

But neither do you.

Some day, you’ll have a new reference point.

Your Memory

I sit here & I think about you.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

I’ve melted it & molded it into what I wish it would be.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

Everyday I walk through it all, the way we used to kiss

The way I loved you like you were the only one.

But it was never you, it was only my dream.

Here’s what I have to say to you now.

I hope you’re happy with the emptiness you left me with.

Your mind games go on today.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

I hate you but I love your memory.

How could you just walk away?

No looking back, no hesitation, not a second thought?

I REACHED OUT TO YOU!!!

I TRIED TO BE YOUR FRIEND!!!

YOU JUST LOCKED ME OUT!!!

WHY?!?!?

You wouldn’t have done that to me.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

I want you to come back, so I can slam the door in your face.

But it wouldn’t be you, it’d be your memory.

I can’t even remember your face, I can’t even hear your voice.

It was never you, it was always a memory.

I will always hate you, I will always love you.

But it won’t be you, it’ll just be your memory.

I should’ve moved on, from that ridiculous time.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

Don’t flatter yourself into thinking I’m not over YOU.

It’s not you, it’s your memory.

I just want a chance to say goodbye.

But not to you, to your memory.

If I could I would erase you from the world.

But not you, just your memory.

I’m not even sure who you were anymore

Because it’s not you, just your memory.

I’ve romanticized every moment we ever had.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

When we fought every week & I kept holding on.

It wasn’t to you, it was to your memory.

I loved the thought of you, the thought of being loved.

But it wasn’t you, it was your memory.

I just have to keep reminding myself of the truth.

It’s not you, it’s your memory.

Growing Up Now

I'm growing up now,
On my way to the big one eight.
The age I've always wanted to be.
All my dreams are coming true.
I've got a boyfriend & he makes me so happy.
He is everything I've always wanted,
Just wanted you to know.
Life has been so much better without you.
I'm growing up now,
Going places I've wanted to go,
Feeling life with my whole heart.
Because you don't exist anymore.
My world is a mess, I won't lie,
Even still, I'm great.
Tip top shape, feeling hotter than ever.
You never got a chance to have me,
Poor you.
I'm growing up now,
Stronger than I have ever been.
Returning to the girl I've longed to be.
No where is more comfortable than my skin,
Fitting me like a glove.
Poetry & crafts, chalking & singing,
Life is on my side this time.
Got into every college I applied for.
Where are you?
I feel sorry for you.
The way that things turned out,
You thought you had my heart,
Little did we know you did nothing for me.
I am growing up now,
With a boyfriend & a job & a life.
Just wait & see what'll become of me.

Written: February 24th, 2012

Strangers

I look into your eyes &
The boy I knew is gone,
But your face is the same.
We were best friends
Playing tag & annoying everyone.
None of it mattered as long as I had you.
You don't exist anymore
Like a beautiful unicorn, you disappeared.
Don't come back, please.
Stay away from me.
Mom told me not to talk to strangers,
That's exactly what you are.
I loved you.
When I needed you, you were there.
Now it's a if we didn't exist.
Be happy.
For goodness sakes, please be happy.
Hold your girlfriend tight.
Just forget about me.
A year ago, I burnt your name.
With your lovely little lie of, "I'm gay,".
Liars have no place here, not in my life
& I don't talk to strangers.
No matter what you look like,
You are a stranger.
Our worlds belong on separate sides of the galaxy.
Don't come around anymore,
Because you aren't you & it hurts.
There are so many like you,
People I loved who walked out on me.
So long, enjoy your new life,
I love mine.
I just hate running into strangers.

Written: February 17th, 2012

Who Am I?

I am a tool,
Used by children on a sunny day.
I get used at school,
Making marks however I may.
I am a voice,
Speaking for those who cannot speak.
I have no choice.
Though what I do is bold, I am weak.
I am art,
Creating a message of power.
The images I make can tear you apart.
With me, you'll never be locked in a tower.
I am chalk.
You can walk all over me
& use me as much as you'd like
I'll just wash away when it rains.
My words are more true than an oath,
Because they are taken straight from the heart & soul.
Penetrating the thickest shields,
Jumping the highest fences.
My power cannot be measured in numbers
Nor by words can it be described
I cannot be kept silent, though I make no sound.
For I am the giggles of little children,
& the voice of a teenaged girl,
Singing to herself as she speaks her truth.
Because I am her, & she is me.
No matter where she goes, I am with her.
College will have to get used to the idea.
I am a game, a tool, a voice.
You can use me, I love to be used,
There is nothing I'd like more.
I am chalk, hear me roar.

We Are Afraid

Who are we?
We stand with arms wide open.
For what?
To hear the world call out to us,
& to feel the wind caress our necks?
I am a girl.
A girl who is afraid.
My heart is slowly slipping far away.
It has started its journey into his loving arms.
No matter what I do, I cannot make it stay.
Perhaps I always knew,
He was meant to hold my heart.
When I fell, he was there.
When I rose, he was there.
When I got hurt, he was there.
So here he is.
Who are we?
We sit, waiting for our lives to start,
For what?
To have everything handed to us
& to never feel any passion?
I am the world.
A world that hides behind sins.
Lust, gluttony, violence, & greed,
Shields to hide our terror.
Of all the foes, love is the greatest enemy.
Because it means giving one person control.
Control of our happiness & our hearts.
Far off in the distance, I see him,
My heart resting in his enormous hands.
Inside & out, I know I've found home.
Who are we?
We are those who are afraid.

Written: January 31, 2012.