Innocence

I am not your little sister.

Nor am I innocent as you deem me,

Morals doesn't make me innocent nor young.

Just because I am not as vulgarly open as you are, doesn't make me less.

Don't put me down so you can move up.

I know where my real intentions lie.

You don't know what that means,

You only think of what you may have to gain

& it hurts me, I will not deny.

You could have been so much more than you are

All of you wouldn't be where you are,

If you would have thought before you leaped into that monster's jaw.

I wish you would learn before you make an enormous mistake.

But I know you won't, because that's who you've become.

My heart breaks & then it boils

For the innocence you threw away

I'm sorry that you never learned what I know.

Because from now on you'll pay on & on.

You won't even know it until everything is done.

Don't call me young & innocence because I have pride.

Just because I don't find pleasure in being vulgar doesn't mean I don't know.

So keep your judgements off of me & I'll keep mine off of you.

I'll be here once you realize that this life is the one everyone takes.

& that it's not the one you want to.

Sex

I am a black sheep. Honestly this entire society is becoming run off of sexuality. It makes me SO mad. Is that silly? I don't think so. All I hear from my friends is sex sometimes & it just makes my blood boil. They have no idea. They just don't & they may never understand how precious & beautiful it is supposed & how ill they treat it. To them, it's all selfish & repulsive. Honestly I can't listen to them for longer than 10 min without wanting to barf. I'm not innocent because I value what sex is. That's not innocence. Innocence is the lack of knowledge. I've lost faith in my generation. Complete & total failures is all my generation is going to turn into if we can't get our hormones in check. It's time to step it up & realize what LIFE is about. It's not that. Don't have random sex & then claim that you can kill an unborn life because you wanted to feel good. That is the epitome of selfishness. ARG it makes me so mad. Don't create life if you aren't ready to take care of it. I guess that's what people don't want to believe is that sex isn't about you, it's about life. It's about creating something & bringing him or her into a world of love and safety. But that's not what my ignorant generation thinks of. They just think about themselves and how they feel at that moment. It makes me so mad. SO MAD!!!!!!!!

Ventadge

So I'm trying to find myself. I know that sounds weird since most people can look at me and say,"Hey, there's a girl who knows who she is & is comfortable with that." Well, I'm a liar. Or an actress, that sounds less dramatic. I actually have no idea who I am. I've spent my whole life trying to figure out who I should be & hiding the pains that come with life that now it's hurting me. People think I'm a poser or liar & they're right but about the wrong things. The things that ARE the truth most people are thinking is the lie. Plus how can I act a character when I'm already playing a character? See my problem? SO I'm trying to find the real me. It's buried, I mean I have to go through over 12 years of character creation! I'm trying though, I really am, but sometimes I forget. I need to get away for awhile. By myself. Somewhere peaceful. That was the real reason I wanted to go to Indiana, to find myself beside a lake, far away from the people who hold their power over me the way a king & queen hold their power of the kingdom. They aren't horrible people & they do try to be kind, but they aren't. But I can't go to Indiana, so my plan B is St. Olaf. It seems like a really sweet school & it's an hour away which is plenty far (not as far as I'd like but that's life). I'm so deprived. There are three boys I could like at any given moment. One is completely & totally off limits at this point, & the other I doubt would ever go for a nut like me. Which I'm partly glad about because I'm a lot to deal with. Gah I needed to say those things. No I probably will not have a boy friend for a couple more years & no one notices that I'm not exactly there everyday because they're busy worrying about themselves & everyone else. I actually enjoy it. I like being invisible. My friends see me & say "You look cute today!" check it off their list & continue on. Oh goodness I'm just venting now but since there isn't really anyone else to vent to I have to find someone to do that for me & since I have 2 followers, both of which are extremely busy, I think I'm safe.

Empty Bodied Person

Can you feel it?
Pulsing through my veins at a hundred miles per hour.
How can you claim to be alive when all you do is stand in line
You dance when the people say dance,
You're dead face starring only forwards, you don't seem to feel a thing
If you cut yourself would you bleed?
I'm not sure who you are, or what you are.
Never open in your eyes, the second time
Do you feel when the sun kisses your cheek
Can you know what I mean, why are you still starring at me blankly?
Perhaps you are not alive, just a simple shadow passing by
On the wall, all you are is the paint that eventually peals right off
Have you ever known what it is to love someone.
To put your arms around a best friend and lean on them?
Are you even capable of comradeship, or do you only work alone?
I pity you, you empty bodied person.
What it must be like to never feel emotion.
To never know what it is to cry.
Little tear drops tragically slipping down your face.
Can you never mourn or scream, or shout for joy?
How on earth can you still be alive?
There's a difference from being alive and living.
You my dear are simply living, or getting by.
But to be alive is to feel the rushing water,
The spirit in the mountain and the rain.
All I feel is pity for a being like yourself,
Someone who chose to float with the current.
All you'll ever know is how to say "Hey." or "Hello."
To a bunch of people you don't really know.

Growing Up

So I had a dream last night that I was going to graduate today & I totally lost it. I sobbed for a REALLY long time ... I am completely petrified of growing up. Suddenly, there are 250000000000000000 new responsibilities and you have to know how to take all of that crap and turn it into something beautiful. I won't lie, I'm scared shit less. I have to be starting my new job soon, and drive, and look at colleges, and take the ACT all while having daily migraines that no one can seem to fix ... and still be expected to keep my sanity! I want to go to Neverland and never have to grow up. Wouldn't that be easier? Just to run away from my problems? I was never the type to run away from something that means the world to me. And I won't either. I will go to a good college, and fall in love with some great guy and have a full and beautiful life. No one can stop me, not even me, because there's part of me that can't wait to grow up. The part that made me go on Steel Venom just to shake myself so I can do anything. Yes I'm scared, scared I'll fail, scared I won't be strong enough, scared I'll ruin everything for myself, but let's face it, even I don't have that kind of control over my life. In the end I just gotta trust God knows what He's doing up there. Ugh my nerves can't handle this. I'm making baby steps, getting into the higher dance level, driving my dog to the vet, looking at colleges and trying to study for the ACT. It's not easy when my migraines make me feel like a different person, but I've got help. Just look at how amazing my friends are! Always there, putting up with me and my OCD self. I am pathetic. Always afraid to step out into the open, fearful of the people who I know judge me every single day. Ugh I'm working on it. I'm working out, practicing stuff, trying my best to get on top of my game. I'll be fine, I will. I've got my game plan. Well here's to hoping. This should be the week guys.

You have to take the good with the bad
The truth with the lie,
The pain with the comfort.
That's the way that life is, always up & down
Never one straight path.
As I sit cross legged in the car I stare up at the biggest marvel
The sky so large & complicated,
Sometimes I wish it would just swallow me whole
Clouds doing ballets in the air.
Sending beautiful beams of light down to my eyes.
Imagining how intricate those little wisps must be.
We all need to find the beauty in the simple things.
Find the fortune inside those cheap little cookies.
Because if we wait around for the good to come our way,
We may miss the pretty sparkles showing us that life isn't about the big things.
Life is all about the small.

Hey guys ... or just Sarah ... I'm in Aurora, IL & it's you know ... The girls here aren't the friendliest ... but you know it's a place to stay so I won't complain. Anyways we're going to visit Berny at 5 & have dinner ... she's dying sooo you know mom loves her & she's a sweetie so it's all good. I'm pretty tired because Anna is the worst bed mate you could ever have, but I've always known that. So I miss my buddies a lot. Life is just this big mess of fun & sadness, we've gotta learn to cope with it. Hold on I feel some magical words coming on ... I better start writing another poem! OOOO one more thing! I'm writing a book-ish thing ... & I should probably eat breakfast ...