Guilty As Charged ...

Have you ever thought about someone you KNOW your not allowed to think about? How about having a dream that makes you feel like you're on cloud nine, but involves someone you REALLY shouldn't be dreaming about? See my unconscious makes me dream about someone I can't have ... it's rather cruel actually ... But never the less it happens. I may not think about that person all the time, at the end of the day I'll hear a song & remember the dream & the person & ... well ... yeah. I guess I have a lot of those dreams. This dream was different than all the others though ... it was blissful. No romance, just fun. The day in Chicago, driving all other the place, spend all my time with my cousin who finally recovered, my grandma is well, my grandpa alive, swimming away from sharks & a friend to share it all with. ... I know to the world that sounds pretty lame but ... let's face it? What am I if not lame? Ugh I wish I could have that dream every night. Honestly. But all I can do is wake up to this world of complications & blames. I know that I have faults but sometimes I wish someone would take responsibility for what THEY'VE done to ME. I'm always apologizing for having a bad day, or getting snappy. I'm only human, right? I'm not an angel, I'm not perfect, I'm not much at all really. I'm just me. The girl who has too many problems. The girl who was worried about everything from the time I was old enough to hold up my own head. I'm not special, if anything that makes me even worse. ... But some many over look my messiness, they don't bother to look past the snappiness or the harshness. Everyone has problems so we should all take care of each other. I need to do more of that too but ... idk I guess I just wish someone would care for me unconditionally. Maybe the only time that'll happen is in my dreams.

I wrote this ages ago but never typed it up.

Some days, I imagine that one day, while cleaning our house, someone is going to find my missing piece. The piece I lost all those months ago, the piece that would stop my migraines, make me happy again, find me the guy I've been looking for all my life. Because I can remember a time when something wasn't missing, when I was happy, & peaceful ... or as peaceful as I'll ever get. I'm so sick of feeling this way, as though there's something blocking passage in my head. I forget things ALL THE TIME, I space out, my neck is constantly stiff, & I just feel as though there's something seriously wrong with me. It's frustrating because that blockage is stopping me from being me & I'm never ever going to get a guy if I am not who I am. Hence why Brooke gets Bob & I get ... my obsessions. Brooke deserves a guy like Bob, she really does. Me? I'll just keep looking, searching for that piece of me that's missing, trying to express who I am through this wall I've put up. Who knows? Maybe I'll make it through all of high school without a boy friend. In September it will be 3 years. Brooke was so shocked when she found out it's been 3 years since I kissed a guy, held his hand, was in a relationship ... wow. 3 whole years ... I hate days like this. All I want is to live alone. I guess I was born to be alone. I'll bet if I asked my friends, they'd say they could see me being single my whole life ... hell, I could see it. Just me, in a condo, with a yorkie named Phidipedies, grading English papers, music playing in the back ground, surrounded by a clean place with books & CDs & DVDs & Teddy Bears, & Froggies, & Plants. It doesn't sound too bad really. ;) But I won't lie, if a guy came along who was a good guy & insane enough to date me, I'd be with him. But odds are I'm going to be single for a very long time sooo ... time to devote myself to being a grade A nerd. Brooke can have enough fun for the both of us. ;) Oh & Brooke, if you're reading this, I mean it. You are worth it & you deserve a great guy like Bob okay? Don't worry about me, I'm freaking Pette Pan. Well I should get back to cleaning ... Ciao!

Oh goodness. SO. There's a guy. I'll call him Al for my own reasons. I've had an on & off crush on the since freshmen year, LONG before anyone else ever even THOUGHT about him in a way other than "OH MY GOODNESS THIS DUDE IS SO FREAKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!" ... then he became out of bounds for me sophomore year & basically he will be out of bounds for me, for the rest of my life. Of course that doesn't stop the fact that I still have this VERY small crush on him. It's sticky, but believe me when I say Al is OUT OF FREAKING BOUNDS!!!!!!!!!!! I can't touch the guy. No siree. I don't know why I'm saying this because I don't LIKE him like him. I mean I think about him a lot but ... I wouldn't go out of my way to be with him. I guess this has just been bothering me. Besides, Bob is still on my mind more than any other guy. GAH!!! I'm hopeless I know. ;) He's crushing out on my best friend & that's cool. I'll still keep hoping the new family moving in a few houses up will have an attractive single senior. ;) Yepperdoodle I am indeed a dreamer.

I Am A Star

I am a star

You will see me & fall in love.

Then I'm gone, out of sight.

By the time I am back, you have moved on.

Come back, I'll always come back

Time & time again but you won't be there

Love, I know I am a mess

When I'm gone you don't notice I'm missing.

I am a star.

I will see you & fall in love with your smile

My heart won't forget you,

Not in a million years.

One day I'll return, but you'll be gone.

Time will pass & you'll see me from a distance

Smiling at you with my whole being

You'll have no idea who I am.

I am a star.

Beneath this messy facade, there's a falling ball of fire

Cascading down the sky, bringing the darkness light.

Above the surface you can't see it, I can't feel it.

But it's there, if only I knew how to release it.

Then you'd see me, everyone would see me

See me for me, not the mess I appear to be.

Until then, I will be a fallen star.

I am a star.

A secret silent star no one can see.

Some days I can feel it, boiling below the surface.

No matter what I do, I can't make it bubble up

I am plain as the grass on the ground

Even still there is something there,

I can feel it, like a magical force.

But I am just a silent star that no one can see.

Destined to wait for some one who can.

In My Own Little World.

This is another essay from last year's English class, I thought I'd share it.

There exists a world above the chaos we feel. A place I can escape to when the world takes everything I posses to cope with. It thrives away from the hustle and bustle of cities but in the depths of a forest. No one can take away from this beautifully peaceful world; it exists solely for me. I climb a tree to see everything as far as possible. I run through clouds all around me, like a quilt that wraps a baby in warmth. I get lost on the sky so large it seems to swallow me whole. I stand on the tip of the mountain absorbing the colors on the horizon. This world is a place where I always belong and I find my peace.
As I climb the tree I see a bird flying all alone. I wonder if it feels as lonely as it looks, as if the world leaves it to wander without anyone who reaches out to help. How long the journey must last for such a small animal. As I watch the bird pass, I wonder how it feels to fly, to feel the wind blow as I fly above everything else. I no longer walk down on the earth, but soar on top of the clouds. The way I see the world changes as I picture myself in the air, I now get a real “bird’s eye view”. I make no sounds as I fly; I leave no traces of life. No one sees me as I swoop low to catch a fish in my beak. No one bothers with a bird.
Now I run through the clouds leaving waves and swirls of clouds in my wake. All that separates me from the insanity of reality are these clouds. Translucent, light, and wispy, the clouds part as I rush through; proving to myself how easily reached this dwelling is. I find it so hard to reach this place while clouds keep me away. Maybe if I become a child, getting here might prove easier to achieve. So I run freely and laugh until my sides ache; I roll around and play until I drop with exhaustion. I shout for the whole world to hear me, letting it know nothing stops me from living my life. Then I reach this place quicker than a wink and nothing stands in my way.
I look up to a sky that engulfs my senses in the glorified enormity of it. I lie on the ground and let go of all feeling, simply focusing on breathing. Too often I allow my thoughts to control my day, stressing me out to the point when I want to explode. I never realize how small I am until I face the sky. Everyday we blow things out of proportion; we make mountains out of molehills, we sweat the small stuff. I never tell myself to stop feeling upset when others deal with conditions far worse than mine. I let my feelings go and exist in just that moment, not worrying about what happens next, because God handles that.
I stand up from where I lay; I notice that I stand at the top of a mountain. The whole world at my feet, the sky high above me, and the horizon looking me square in the eyes. No one sees the future, but I saw my entire life spread before me. I saw hope and love. I saw pain and destruction. I saw life and I saw death. Nothing stood out, no events, no actions, just life. No matter how hard I find it to reach this place of serenity, no matter how much I focus on little details, my life will go on. Nothing matters but living. Life only improves; nothing stops the process of life. I control how I live; no one chooses it for me. No matter how I feel like someone controls my life, ultimately I make the choices in my life. Life goes on, with or without me; I make the choice to enjoy the ride.

Friends: The Experience of a Lifetime.

This is an essay of the story about when all my friends betrayed me; when they all talked about me behind my back. It's the day I grew up.

“Dear Alicia, You are a crybaby. You always follow us and we are sick of having to have you around all the time. You’re okay sometimes but most of the time you’re really annoying and stupid. Maybe you should just try and grow up. Don’t take this the wrong way but we don’t really want to be your friends anymore. We’re just sick of having to deal with you!” As my eyes left that small piece of paper, I could feel her eyes on me. I whipped my head around so she could not see my face screwed up to stop the tears from falling. I could not cry, not here at Girl Scouts. Not in front of her, not after I have just read the note she and Shanice had written to me.
“I didn’t write all of it! Only that small part about how you should grow up a little!” Shaadiah said in defense after seeing the agony on my face. I tried to believe her. She had always been my friend, why would she want to see me fall apart into a million pieces. Why would the girl who bounced up to me her eyes glowing, hair swishing, and feet dancing, in kindergarten wanting to be my first ever real friend, want to take the shining world she had created with me, and throw it on the ground to smash at my feet?
I went home and cried. My world, my shining globe of wonderfulness was shattered and I was walking on it with my bare feet. My mom put on her mother face and asked me what was wrong. I let my anger fly. I showed her the note; I made my voice hoarse from my screams. My older brother basked in my hurt, laughing as if this was the best day of his life. I ran away from his taunting voice that confirmed all that my best friends had said about me. I sat in my room. I tore myself into little tiny pieces, and I yelled at myself in my thoughts. I hoped the sun would not rise in the morning, anything to not have to face them. The girls I called my sisters, the girls I gave my entire self to and who proceeded to use me as target practice.
Against my wishes, the sun did rise and I awoke to a beautiful morning. The birds were singing, the sun reflected off the dew, making everything sparkle. I forgot just for a moment what had happened the night before, but once I remembered I wanted to yell at the birds for singing. I wanted to tell them to stop being so cheerful, and make the clouds cover the sun. As I got ready for school, I kept hoping rain would fall from the sky. Anything but the taunting sunshine that wanted me to be happy.
When I got on the bus, I sat in the far back and pulled my hood over my head. I did not talk to Shanice on the bus; all I did was throw her the coldest look I could muster, and then buried my head back into my hood. Once we arrived at school, I bolted to class but Shanice caught up to me. She took me aside, obviously confused at how I could be so angry.
“Alicia, Shaadiah wrote most of the note I only wrote the part that said you are a little annoying!” She said as Shaadiah came up.
“No, you wrote most of it! Don’t lie!” Shaadiah shouted. They began to bicker like two little kids who did not want to get in trouble for breaking a window. They tried to get me to choose sides.
“I don’t know who to believe anymore,” I retorted, as I looked them straight in the eyes. Then I turned around and stalked off to class. I felt numb, like I had been outside shoveling and could not feel anything.
Later in class, our teacher Ms. Splinter asked Shaadiah, Shanice, and I to go out into the hallway with her. My mom had called and told on us. We sat out there in the hallway with the shiny floors the florescent lights above us, next to the lockers with our classmate’s names on them. The dirt on the floor dug into any part of my body that was exposed, like sand paper, and I was very cold. That was probably because I was crying again. We sat and talked for what seemed like days, and eventually my globe was put back together and began to shine once again. But something had changed; I did not need Shaadiah or Shanice anymore. I loved them, but my globe did not orbit around them, they became my equals; I did not follow them like a puppy. I would not let them walk all over me. No, they had taught me that to get respect, I have to give it, but I have to respect myself first.
The only reason I was so shy, was because I had been hiding who I was from everyone else. When I had shown myself to others they had hurt me, so I locked myself up. Shaadiah opened me up and I let her see a bit of me. As we became better friends, I let her see more. I began to trust her, to lean on her, and to depend on her for survival. She became my safety blanket, the person I had to look to for approval. I needed her, and no matter what I tried to tell myself, I was close enough to nothing without her. Then both Shaadiah and Shanice taught me a powerful lesson. They taught me how to stand on my own, to depend on myself. They pushed me out of the nest like some baby birds do to the smallest of them. I had to test my wings on my own. Without my friends to lean on, I had to depend on myself for the first time since I had met Shaadiah. I was forced to step out into the open and expose every inch of myself to the world, and I did. I closed my eyes and got out of bed that morning. I told my best friends exactly what I thought, and then I forgave them.
Because of these things, I am a different person from the little girl who had needed her friends to approve everything she did. I am now an individual person. I no longer need to be surrounded by friends to feel safe or to be happy. I can run around singing at the top of my lungs without being embarrassed. My shell is broken and I am free! I can say hello to each person who looks me in the eye, or become friends with someone I do not know well. I no longer fear exposing myself.
I changed so much because of what my friends taught me. Shaadiah taught me the value of friends. Shaadiah and Shanice taught me you have to be equals with my friends, not a dependent leech. They also taught me to be myself and to not worry what others think of me. Friendship is the experience of a lifetime. Once one has a friend, that person is no longer lives for his/herself, but also for the friend. That person also never has to worry about being alone if the friend is true. It may take time, but it will last forever if one takes care of it the right way.
All my friends have taught me something and in some way changed me as I have changed them. It is my belief that friends change other friends. Whether anyone notices it, if a person becomes a friend with someone new, a part of the person changes. Some may act in different ways around his/her friends. If a person says something a lot, a friend would begin to say it too. Friends influence each other so much, especially if close friends. I am still influenced by Shaadiah, as she is influenced by me. Friendship is all about accidentally changing one another, that is just part of the experience of a lifetime.

Shadow Boy

I take a breath & close my eyes, pushing off, up I fly.
No one else is around me, the sky is mine alone.
Dark, deep, & lonely, the sky engulfs me
Here among the stars, I forget everything
The loneliness, the fears, the anger, it all disappears
I am all by myself inside this enormous sky.
Who is that in the distance, watching me,
Hiding in the shadows of the night?
Shadow boy, who are you?
What do you want from life?
You are there & I am here, yet we are the same
Pretending to not care when they ignore us.
Trying not to hide when attacked.
Wishing for someone to stick around.
Shadow boy, what are you?
Who are you looking for?
Sometimes I imagine you’re just in my head
Yet you must be real, because I see you everywhere.
Constantly at my side, holding me up,
Making sure I don’t lose myself in the world.
Shadow Boy, I need you
You keep me afloat when land is nowhere in sight
Holding me as I scramble toward that light in the distance.
For the first time I have someone at my side.
I am not alone anymore,
But what if you leave me?
Please don’t go away, I need someone to stay.
Shadow boy, where are you?
How could you just disappear?
Because it’s night & I’m back on my swing
You’re not anywhere in sight
Maybe my tears are blinding me
The world is spinning out of control
Nothing is holding me together
My intuition was right; you were all in my head
Because now I know that you aren’t real
You were nothing but a beautiful dream.
But even still I’m reaching for you
Reaching but there’s nothing here.
Can there really be nothing Shadow Boy?
Would you really leave me in the barren ocean?
As I swing upon this swing, I’m sensing something so much bigger.
Encasing me with hope.
Though you are gone, dreams have taken your place.
Dreams of flying & succeeding at everything I do.
Out of those dreams I create a reality,
Where I find someone real, not just a shadow.
Together we’d live & breathe,
Allowing the world to swallow us & then spit us out.
Helping each other grow & move on.
We’d never feel alone, but surrounded by love.
We take a breath & close our eyes
Holding hands, up we fly
Into a world of wonder, magic, & hope
Where we will never feel loneliness
Is that you Shadow Boy, standing in the void?
Why are you crying boy?
You are not alone, you are never alone
There is room here for you too.
Leave the darkness & come to the light.
Come Shadow Boy, come join us.