When This Daydream Ends

When this daydream ends,

My life will be a nightmare!

Daydreams only last so long

& soon they're gone

Leaving me & so many others,

Alone wishing for another.

When this daydream ends

Don't worry about me

I'll only be crushed,

By reality & pain.

Too many times I've cried

But someone gave me hope

& there goes another daydream!

When this daydream ends

Don't bother to wake me up

You'll not find me.

All you'll find is a river.

A river of tears & dead daydreams.

No more me to be mad at.

No more laughter to be a part of.

Don't say you're sorry now

'Cause I know that it's too late.

When this daydream ends

Please don't think of me.

There's no point since there is no me!

I can only dream of you now.

I'm sorry if I was annoying.

When this daydream ends

Don't waste any time on me

i know it won't be too hard

But if you can,

Don't think of me.

'Cause you & I will only cry.

Oh middle school ;)

Dangling on a String

Dangling on a string.

Standing on a thin thread.

Wind tosses me around

When I try to get ahead.

Something's not right

When you smile at me.

It makes me shake with fright,

So much that I can't see!

Dangling on a string.

When the wind blows

I'm on a roller coaster!

My parents love me,

& then they hate me!

They say you love me

But I don't believe!

Dangling on a string.

Tossed in the air.

As soon as I get used to it,

I go falling to your lair!

There's no way out,

When my world is upside down.

When I see you pout,

It makes me want to frown!

Dangling on a string.

I want to feel your love,

& feel the spring time come.

But it's all the way down there!

My mind tells me to cling to the string,

But my heart says let go & fall!

Dangling on a string.

Standing on a thin thread.

Wind tosses me around,

When I try to get ahead.

I was in rehearsal for my show & there was drama with my on & off boyfriend. I saw a string getting tossed in the air & I composed this.

Born in a Slogan World

In the world that I was born to,

Advertising is everything.

No more innocent happiness

'Casue now it's all competition.

No more love of other people,

Now it's back stabbing & lies.

Born in a slogan world

It's every man for himself

No one can be completely friends

'Cause it's always lies.

I wish all this fighting would stop

'Cause life used to be less complicated.

My parents got to be friends

Before they fell in love.

But now it's all about hate & spite.

I can't stand the way people fight

But when I try to fight it

It doesn't work ... at all.

Born in a slogan world.

Let's see who can make the best!

Let's not let the weak power of love

Get in the way of our business

I stand up & say NO!

They all turn & stare

I go on.

We are so rude & heartless

So I say no.

I'm going to fight this out,

Love matters, not money.

We were born in a slogan world

But we can stop & we will.

'Cause I love, & you love

So let's light the world with love.

We were doing a project in 7th grade & I was working on the advertisement & this is what I found there.

Happenings

So much has been going on. It's like a circle in my head. It's not fair, I miss him, I miss them, I miss me, it's not fair, she always gets what she wants, he always get what he wants, no one ever wants me, I miss him, it's not fair, I want school, I hate work, I need sun, I want to be pretty, it's not fair, I love him, I love her, I love God, I love life, I miss them, I miss me. Round & round I go & I feel as though it's never going to end. My world is one big circle of self pity & pain. But then I am up, but then I go down, & some where along the way I get all turned around & it's not fair, it's not fair, that I never seem to get what I want, that she always wins, that I had to give it all up. I forgot how much I missed my big brother, how good it felt to tease him, to talk to him, to see him all the time. I forgot how much my little cousins loved me & it's not fair how most of them have forgotten. I try so hard to be perfect, & still I am not the type of girl boys want. I have too much personality, I have morals, I won't allow anyone to walk all over me, & I'm scared & it's not fair, but that's life & I hate it but I love it. I'm jealous of my friends, I'm jealous of my family, I'm jealous of who I used to be. But even still I sit in the sun & I'm who I want to be. I write with chalk on the ground & I know I'm going to be okay. I wish I could make people stay. But they come & they go, they're here, then they're gone. More people come, then they go. But that's life & I have surgery & so do others, & school starts & we're all busy. But I still miss him & miss her & miss them & miss me. I wish this & I wish that, & I wish on stars & at times & on rocks. This is my life, & I guess I'm okay. ;)

Dreams

Isn't it sad when I dream about reconciliation with people I haven't spoken to in years? Last night I dreamed I was at my ex-boy friends's graduation & ... I can't even describe it. I made up my mind to congratulate him & we hugged & ... it felt like coming home. It was so good to look him straight in the eyes & not pretend to not care or act as though we'd never known each other. Things are much less complicated in my dreams. Who cares about the fact that I've been single for 3 years or that I would give anything to have some living soul like me & not be a fickle pickle about it. But see, there's the problem. Men are fickle. People are fickle. LIFE IS FICKLE!!! ... sorry. Let's just say that I've had a basically awful month so far. I WENT TO SEE OWL CITY THOUGH!!!!!! Unfortunately it feels like a dream so I can barely remember it. But it was amazing. By far one of the best parts of my summer. We went back to school shopping & I finally got a legit back pack & it's beautiful. Urg. I visit the University of River Falls Wisconsin tomorrow ... I'm not sure how anything is going to top UMD but ... who knows? I have to keep my options open ... or as open as they can be with the rule that I have to be some where close-ish to home. Brooke is mad at me for whatever reason again too. Honestly, it's really frustrating to not be allowed to be human. I was short with her because she flipped about my not inviting her to my birthday party. I hadn't figured out a date for the party, or even thought about who I was inviting, PLUS she herself told me she didn't want to go. This is not including the fact that she hates basically all my other friends & ... ugh. So I was upset that she made a huge deal about it & said what I felt & she's not talking to me sooo ... yeah. Don't you hate the waiting period between plans? It leaves you with too much time to think & when I slow down, I always find something is wrong with me. Today I couldn't even stand up without feeling faint & needing to sit back down. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... I do believe I am going to go insane if school doesn't start soon. Well I'd best go. Ciao!

Guilty As Charged ...

Have you ever thought about someone you KNOW your not allowed to think about? How about having a dream that makes you feel like you're on cloud nine, but involves someone you REALLY shouldn't be dreaming about? See my unconscious makes me dream about someone I can't have ... it's rather cruel actually ... But never the less it happens. I may not think about that person all the time, at the end of the day I'll hear a song & remember the dream & the person & ... well ... yeah. I guess I have a lot of those dreams. This dream was different than all the others though ... it was blissful. No romance, just fun. The day in Chicago, driving all other the place, spend all my time with my cousin who finally recovered, my grandma is well, my grandpa alive, swimming away from sharks & a friend to share it all with. ... I know to the world that sounds pretty lame but ... let's face it? What am I if not lame? Ugh I wish I could have that dream every night. Honestly. But all I can do is wake up to this world of complications & blames. I know that I have faults but sometimes I wish someone would take responsibility for what THEY'VE done to ME. I'm always apologizing for having a bad day, or getting snappy. I'm only human, right? I'm not an angel, I'm not perfect, I'm not much at all really. I'm just me. The girl who has too many problems. The girl who was worried about everything from the time I was old enough to hold up my own head. I'm not special, if anything that makes me even worse. ... But some many over look my messiness, they don't bother to look past the snappiness or the harshness. Everyone has problems so we should all take care of each other. I need to do more of that too but ... idk I guess I just wish someone would care for me unconditionally. Maybe the only time that'll happen is in my dreams.

I wrote this ages ago but never typed it up.

Some days, I imagine that one day, while cleaning our house, someone is going to find my missing piece. The piece I lost all those months ago, the piece that would stop my migraines, make me happy again, find me the guy I've been looking for all my life. Because I can remember a time when something wasn't missing, when I was happy, & peaceful ... or as peaceful as I'll ever get. I'm so sick of feeling this way, as though there's something blocking passage in my head. I forget things ALL THE TIME, I space out, my neck is constantly stiff, & I just feel as though there's something seriously wrong with me. It's frustrating because that blockage is stopping me from being me & I'm never ever going to get a guy if I am not who I am. Hence why Brooke gets Bob & I get ... my obsessions. Brooke deserves a guy like Bob, she really does. Me? I'll just keep looking, searching for that piece of me that's missing, trying to express who I am through this wall I've put up. Who knows? Maybe I'll make it through all of high school without a boy friend. In September it will be 3 years. Brooke was so shocked when she found out it's been 3 years since I kissed a guy, held his hand, was in a relationship ... wow. 3 whole years ... I hate days like this. All I want is to live alone. I guess I was born to be alone. I'll bet if I asked my friends, they'd say they could see me being single my whole life ... hell, I could see it. Just me, in a condo, with a yorkie named Phidipedies, grading English papers, music playing in the back ground, surrounded by a clean place with books & CDs & DVDs & Teddy Bears, & Froggies, & Plants. It doesn't sound too bad really. ;) But I won't lie, if a guy came along who was a good guy & insane enough to date me, I'd be with him. But odds are I'm going to be single for a very long time sooo ... time to devote myself to being a grade A nerd. Brooke can have enough fun for the both of us. ;) Oh & Brooke, if you're reading this, I mean it. You are worth it & you deserve a great guy like Bob okay? Don't worry about me, I'm freaking Pette Pan. Well I should get back to cleaning ... Ciao!