Perplexing ...

Have you ever been sick of someone, but without them you have a hole in your heart? I just want to curl up with him ... nothing else. Hmmm ... life. I suppose this is what happens when you grow up ... I'm not sure if I like it ...
Oh, by the way, yes I am a live ... as if anyone cared. ;) Just been busy. Graduated from high school, went to prom, became obsessed with Sherlock, & failed at life. You know, the usual. There's something else too, but I can't really say it out loud publicly yet ... I mean ... We said it ... at about 1:10 am on Friday the 25th of May 2012 ... but ... it's complicated.
Well, just thought I'd let you know that I am back & have WAY too much to upload on to this wonderful blog so thus, I will have my hands full.

There You Go Again

There you go again, lecturing me like always,
Why do you always pull that card?
It gets so old & boring & insulting.
Maybe the way you work isn't the way you work.
I do what you say & maybe sometimes have an attitude, but you would too.
Don't tell me about when you were young
You would NEVER have done that,
Well I know you did because you're human,
Just like everyone else.
You're not perfect,
You're not special,
You're just like me & every other teenager you talk about.
There you go again,
Getting in my face as if you have a right
To demand I tell you how I'm feeling.
If I don't feel like telling you all I feel or think,
I don't see what the problem is!
You would never tell me what is going on,
So why can't I keep to myself?
I find it really rude & disrespectful, but as if you cared.
No matter what you may say to me, you rarely respect me.
Feeding me, keeping a roof over my head,
Getting me new clothes, & sending me to a good school,
That's not respecting me, it's doing your job as a parent.
You made me so it's your job to take care of me the best you can.
There you go again,
Not even listening.
Sometimes you listen but you never EVER hear me.
It goes in one ear, maybe detours to the mind,
Then to the heart, then it goes out the other ear & nothing ever happens.
I'm so sick of that happening.
I try my best, I do what I can,
You know that it's true
But I feel like every new day is another long list of stuff to do for you.
There you go again,
Up go those walls, now it doesn't matter.

I wrote this freshman year, if you couldn't tell. I couldn't spell to save my life & my grammer was AWFUL!!! But I fixed it in a way to make it true to its original form & not painful to read. ANGST! Oh well. Some of it is still true, but there's more there now.

What I Want In a Guy

What I want in a guy is love. A love for God above all, then for me, then for the rest of the world. He would love me in an innocent & sincere way, never pushing me in any way.  He'd listen to me & put all before himself.  His touch would electrify me every single time. He'd go out of his way to make me feel loved & special. He'd know all that I feel & help me through it. We'd be close, (living wise & friendship wise). My family would love him, & he'd always be kind, loving, & polite. He'd be perfect. He'd have dreams that were beautiful & he's help me be a better person. I'd be the same for him. Church would be amazing, holding his hand, praying with him, praising God for all that we have. I'd never want to let him go. He would be my best friend, my true companion. I could tease him, he could tease me, he'd love kids. He'd sing & dance. He'd be amazing, wonderful, perfect. He'd be the answer to all my prayers, & everything I've asked for. He'd be a good cook & he'd talk & sing & be silly all the while. If I made a mistake he'd laugh it off with me. When we get fights, he wouldn't cave in if he was right. I'd try my best to be perfect for him even though I wouldn't deserve him. But he'd love me for me. He'd love my siblings & my parents. He'd show me a world I never knew was there. We'd walk side by side through all the trials & tests. We'd walk through life together forever & we'd last the problems & troubles. He'd be mine forever, & I'd be his. God would be at our center & we'd keep it that way. In His light we'd walk & every night we'd pray to thank Him for giving us life. I know this guy sounds too good to be true & I'm betting he is, but I can dream for him & who knows? One day I might find him.

I wrote this Spring of 2009, listing off what I want in a life partner, & it's eye opening to look around & see that the world doesn't seem to make there kinds of guys anymore. That's no slight on my boyfriend because he means the world to me, but no man is this perfect, not even my dashing detective.

Look at me, I'm nothing special. There's nothing extraordinary about me. I'm so old & yet so young, at peace yet always at war. Walk by me, hear me singing a song, see my walking along, trying to live a right life. Don't judge me, we all have our misgivings, mine just happen to be larger. Look at me, I'm so silly, just a lost girl, trying so hard to break free from the pain I feel. The world changes around me as I try so hard to breathe, to keep my head above water. Sometimes I feel myself fade away. But I get back on my feet & go on. No one can stop me, I'm wiser now, I know so much more than I used to. This is my own life & I'm not going to let any dumb boy get in the way. God, You can hear me, You feel my pain & You wash it away. With You I know I can go on. If I fall, You'll pick me back up again, You'll keep me going when I no longer feel I can. Lord, Your faith is all I nee, not only now, but forever. When I fade away from these words, God, call me back to You. I fi do not hear, You will continue to call, & once I do hear, You'll welcome me back in open arms, & I'll know that I'm home. Look at me, I'm just like any other girl. I get lost, I fall, I forget, I stray so far from those I love I can barely hear them anymore, but I go back to them & they still love me.

The Leap of Faith

Here it goes, I'm ready ... I think
I take one step & then another
I leap off the ledge, life flashes before me.
Suddenly, I'm flying
Yeah that's right not falling, flying
This is the leap of faith
If we all believe we're going to die, obviously we will
But I believe that I still have life in me, so here I am
I don't know what to tell my parents
They'll be freaking out once I come back down
No words can explain why I did it, no words ever could
I don't care how it happened & I doubt I ever will
There are just things in life, that you've just gotta do
No amount of preparation can get you ready
You take one step, & then another
Then suddenly your free
No laws can control you
No rules to stop you from being who you are
That is, if you believe you can fly.
If you jump & deep down you know you're going to die
There will be no rush, no freedom.
Down you fall, chains go around your wrists
You sink into the current, & become a robot with all these people
The people who don't believe in life, who want to hide in the crowds.
They don't know how to live, how to move on.
They take a shaky step, then another
They fall & they have no one to catch them
Simply because they don't believe, no one can help them.
One day I'll take his hand & we'll run & leap
We'll fly forever, until we must go home maybe together, maybe apart
We'll believe in life & live it everyday
No laws, no rules, just us & a big blue sky
Watching others everyday make that leap
The leap into the unknown with belief that will carry them
Carry them into the sky where they fly, first to test their wings
Then they stay forever, that's all it takes
Just one simple leap of faith.

Falling Down

Falling down like raindrops are teardrops.
1 day after another nothing happening, well not much.
Falling down like rain, tears comfort my soul.
In my mind there are big black clouds.
Why did I take that move 'cause all that is happening
Now is I'm falling, falling down into darkness.
Why did he trip me? Or did I fall for him?
Either way I'm hurting really bad.
Falling down way into darkness blinking back tears.
He played with my heart no doubt about it but it hurts to be played.
Which way to go I don't know who to trust.
I thought I could trust him but it's plain to see he's not a person I can lean on.
Why can't I let him go?!
It just goes to show love ain't meant for me, no!
Is this guy for me no, I don't think so.
If he is I still won't give him a chance.
I won't give in so easy this time if he's mine he'll sure have to prove it.
I'm no one's girl no way, no how
But if I'm gonna be me how am I supposed to do that if he's taken my life away?!?

I wrote this when I was waiting for Logan to get back to me on whether or not he liked me too. I was such a mess about the whole thing & worried about it. He made me wait 2 days which is fine, but it felt like forever. & that was when our year long on & off relationship began. Oh how glad I am that that is over.

His Last Words

Last thing he said to me, was that I was beautiful, ever so beautiful, unchangingly beautiful. These last few words he said I was beautiful & "I love you". Then he turned away & walked away, leaving me alone. He left without letting me know what he meant, without me knowing how he felt. I knew I was taken , I knew that it wouldn't have been right, but I realized that the way he felt was kind of the same way I felt & it was how I'd always felt. The last thing he said to me & I remember it still today, was that he thought I was beautiful & that he loved me. Every time I remember those last last words, I feel my heart sinking so deep off to where those memories sleep & as it rests at the bottom it awakens all of the memories that I'd tried to forget, but it hadn't worked. Often times I would pretend that we'd only been friends but even I can't persuade myself that that's all we'd been. But it wasn't. We'd shared a kind of connection that we hadn't even noticed, hadn't even suspected until that last good-bye. The last thing he said to me to me was that I was beautiful, ever so beautiful, unchangingly beautiful. Those last few words he said, was that I was beautiful & "I love you". How could I have not noticed what had happened between us? Could I have not noticed when we'd gotten so close? His last words always hurt me, how he'd thought I was beautiful.

I think I wrote this during my freshman year of high school. I can remember writing it, but not the emotions behind it. I was sitting in study hall ... I think I may have made it up. Who knows?