Not Anyone's Fault

You never know how to act,
Only focusing on yourself.
How can you claim to care, when you don't.
Saying things you think are kind,
Makes her push you out of her mind.
You screwed up, go out & fix it.
& if you don't, then you threw her away.
It's not her fault you lost your temper,
It's not your fault that she left you alone,
It's not anyone's fault that things fell apart here,
But it's your fault you didn't fix it.
She was your closest friend,
The one who didn't pretend.
When you needed someone she was there.
All the time she was laughing,
You didn't realize it wasn't because of you.
She fell for your friend, & you threw them away.
It's not his fault, that he fell for her too,
It's not your fault, they chose each other,
It's not anyone's fault that things fell apart here,
But it's your fault you didn't fix it.
News flash, the world isn't out to get you,
Everyone's life is tough.
Your not the only one who feels this way,
It's happened to me & am I acting your way?
No because it's no one's fault that this happened,
Only you are to blame for feeling like this.
Let her go, let him go, let your anger go,
Because being angry won't get her to like you,
It won't make you feel better.
It's just going to dig you deeper & deeper in.
It's not your fault, nor is it her's,
Only you can decide how to feel.

Like Her

I don't want to be like her.
I don't want to make you wait
I don't want to leave you out in the cold
No broken promises, no mixed messages
I don't want to hurt you like she did
You are my world.
There are no other guys, no one but you.
When I say those stupid things
I flinch at your recoil
Because I don't want to be her.
I hope you never hate me like you hate her.
That is my biggest fear
I don't want to mess this up
So I keep my phone in my hand
Just to be sure I don't miss you
When I make you wait I can't breathe.
I don't want to be her
Never do I want to break your heart
Because if I do, I'll be break mine too
Getting your texts are the best parts of my day.
Staying up to talk to you is a joy
But I feel like if I didn't, you'd leave.
I'm so used to conditional love
Fearing what'll happen if I make a mistake
I don' want to be her
I want you to hear my name & smile
Please be patient with me
Because I mess up a lot
Constantly tripping over my own feet
Saying the wrong thing every time.
I am afraid of losing you
You are the one guy I've always wanted
So I never want to be like her.

Written on February 21, 2012

Minor Update

I've been suffering with Depression for 8 months now & only recently have I come to the realization that it's kicking my butt. I just can't seem to get past certain things that have happened to me. Do you ever feel that way? If you read my blog, enjoy anything on here & you agree, or it speaks to you, please feel free to comment. Not only would it mean a lot to me, but it would be fantastic to help me grow as a writer. We're all in this together, we're all just a bunch of beautiful masses swirling around this place we call earth. No, it may not feel beautiful, but it is. Maybe someday soon I'll be able to see past the rain.
Keep strong, & let me know what's on your mind!

Depression

The rain keeps on falling.
Nothing can stop it.
No film, no piece of literature,
No companion, nor random encounter.
Only endless rain, day in & day out.
Sometimes you can forget,
When you're in the arms of a loved one,
Or maybe in your dreams where life is fixed.
War is gone, his love is back, no stress, no pain.
But you wake up, & the rain is beating on your window.
Drowning you slowly, like water torture.
The worst part about the rain,
Is that no one else can feel it.
The constant down pour is undetectable to the rest of the world.
With the rain comes isolation
Stifling any hope from your heart.
Eventually the rain becomes habitual.
A time before it cannot be recalled.
By that point, help feels irrelevant.
As the rain rolls down your skin,
Life becomes a pretense, laden with lies.
It's not intentional, it just happens.
The words slip out to avoid a thunderstorm.
Every moment in the rain removes the life from you
Desperation to remove the pain
Morphs the goals you once had.
Instead you simply struggle to survive.
All the losses suffered, haunting every breath,
Curing the agony alone is impossible,
But that doesn't stop you from trying.
Superficial sunshine is so easy to find
Addiction is inevitable.
Anything to escape the rain.
But no matter how hard you try,
No matter how long you stay in bed,
You can watch hours of animations & sketches,
Or spend your days shopping for things you don't need.
In the end, it's all short term,
The rain will outlast it all.

You Do Nothing

You see her moving slowly, so slowly
You see something's wrong, you know it
What do you do to help the girl who's hardly moving?
You observe everything, but you do nothing.
Tears roll down her face, you're watching them go
You think to yourself not a more tragic thing will you ever see
How can you help her, what can you do?
You pity her, but you do nothing.
The light in his eyes is gone, dull & empty pools remain.
You can't help but stare at his loss of hope
What do you say to remind him he's alive?
Worry grips you, but you do nothing.
Why do we do this to each other,
Avoid contact with those in pain?
Deep inside we know they're hurting to the bone
But we're too cowardly to act, so we do nothing.
This is out world
These are our people
Cay in & day out we let those who need us down.
At what point do we stop this foolishness & act?!?
You can see my pain as you look at my face.
You can feel the agony I'm in as you walk on by.
Though I say nothing & express nothing
You can sense all that I'm holding back.
I make your job easy for you.
I don't cry, I pretend there's a fire behind my eyes
So I let you pass me in an instant
But I leave a bitter after taste that sits on your tongue.
Let that eat its way into your soul,
Let it devour your mind as you go about your day,
Remember that bruised girl, & the sad boy,
Think twice & then do something.

All You've Gotta Do

All you've gotta do is breathe.
Close you're eyes, count to ten & let it go
There are somethings that just aren't worth it.
No offense, but this is one of those things
Why get your undies in a bundle over the little stuff?
Save your nerves the stress.
Just relax, everything's gonna be okay
You're not gonna die, one day you won't even remember this
Get over your past, move on because there's nothing to change
All you're gotta do is breathe
Turn you're heels & walk away
I know it's hard but it's not worth it
As a wise man once said, "This too shall pass."
Take it with a grain of salt
Or apply any cliche of your choice
Believe it or not, you're not alone in this
Your life is just starting out
Everything gets better.
All you've gotta do is breathe
Who am I to tell you it's all going to be okay?
What do I know of the agony in your chest?
I can't have ever felt that nothingness that grips you.
But I have, I feel it at this very moment
How can I know that it will all  turn out okay?
Those shoes you're wearing?
I've put them on & taken them off far too many times
Trust me when I say, there is so much more waiting for you.
All you've gotta do is breathe
Get past this part of your life, hold on
Someday soon you'll wake up & those shoes will be gone
Their voices & actions will be far behind you.
For now, you've got me to lean on
& I won't rest until you do what you've gotta do & breathe.

You Are Scaring Me

You are scaring me
That look in your eyes, those words you say
They scare me half to death
I want to run, as far away as I can from you
Because I can't look at you in the same way
This is hard.
It's so hard for me to say these words out loud
I care for you a lot
But you are moving way too fast for me
I'm still trying to catch my breath from him.
You are scaring me
Those words you spoke so easily
Boy, those are such powerful words
How could you mean them?!
I am no where near the point where I could say them too
My struggle is still to keep my feet beneath me.
Beautiful though those words my sound to you
To me they make me want to run from you
As far & as fast as I can.
Just so I don't have to hurt you
You are scaring me
I'm still so used to his face & his name
The face that often haunts my dreams
I doubt you can comprehend his place in my heart
It is that which concerns me most
Because I am such a wreck
You have your life all together
Don't trust me so much, don't look to me for happiness
I can be a factor, but please don't put me on a pedestal
I am no angel, I am a confused & hurting girl.
You are scaring me
& if you're not more careful, I may run.