Your Memory

I sit here & I think about you.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

I’ve melted it & molded it into what I wish it would be.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

Everyday I walk through it all, the way we used to kiss

The way I loved you like you were the only one.

But it was never you, it was only my dream.

Here’s what I have to say to you now.

I hope you’re happy with the emptiness you left me with.

Your mind games go on today.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

I hate you but I love your memory.

How could you just walk away?

No looking back, no hesitation, not a second thought?

I REACHED OUT TO YOU!!!

I TRIED TO BE YOUR FRIEND!!!

YOU JUST LOCKED ME OUT!!!

WHY?!?!?

You wouldn’t have done that to me.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

I want you to come back, so I can slam the door in your face.

But it wouldn’t be you, it’d be your memory.

I can’t even remember your face, I can’t even hear your voice.

It was never you, it was always a memory.

I will always hate you, I will always love you.

But it won’t be you, it’ll just be your memory.

I should’ve moved on, from that ridiculous time.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

Don’t flatter yourself into thinking I’m not over YOU.

It’s not you, it’s your memory.

I just want a chance to say goodbye.

But not to you, to your memory.

If I could I would erase you from the world.

But not you, just your memory.

I’m not even sure who you were anymore

Because it’s not you, just your memory.

I’ve romanticized every moment we ever had.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

When we fought every week & I kept holding on.

It wasn’t to you, it was to your memory.

I loved the thought of you, the thought of being loved.

But it wasn’t you, it was your memory.

I just have to keep reminding myself of the truth.

It’s not you, it’s your memory.

Growing Up Now

I'm growing up now,
On my way to the big one eight.
The age I've always wanted to be.
All my dreams are coming true.
I've got a boyfriend & he makes me so happy.
He is everything I've always wanted,
Just wanted you to know.
Life has been so much better without you.
I'm growing up now,
Going places I've wanted to go,
Feeling life with my whole heart.
Because you don't exist anymore.
My world is a mess, I won't lie,
Even still, I'm great.
Tip top shape, feeling hotter than ever.
You never got a chance to have me,
Poor you.
I'm growing up now,
Stronger than I have ever been.
Returning to the girl I've longed to be.
No where is more comfortable than my skin,
Fitting me like a glove.
Poetry & crafts, chalking & singing,
Life is on my side this time.
Got into every college I applied for.
Where are you?
I feel sorry for you.
The way that things turned out,
You thought you had my heart,
Little did we know you did nothing for me.
I am growing up now,
With a boyfriend & a job & a life.
Just wait & see what'll become of me.

Written: February 24th, 2012

Strangers

I look into your eyes &
The boy I knew is gone,
But your face is the same.
We were best friends
Playing tag & annoying everyone.
None of it mattered as long as I had you.
You don't exist anymore
Like a beautiful unicorn, you disappeared.
Don't come back, please.
Stay away from me.
Mom told me not to talk to strangers,
That's exactly what you are.
I loved you.
When I needed you, you were there.
Now it's a if we didn't exist.
Be happy.
For goodness sakes, please be happy.
Hold your girlfriend tight.
Just forget about me.
A year ago, I burnt your name.
With your lovely little lie of, "I'm gay,".
Liars have no place here, not in my life
& I don't talk to strangers.
No matter what you look like,
You are a stranger.
Our worlds belong on separate sides of the galaxy.
Don't come around anymore,
Because you aren't you & it hurts.
There are so many like you,
People I loved who walked out on me.
So long, enjoy your new life,
I love mine.
I just hate running into strangers.

Written: February 17th, 2012

Who Am I?

I am a tool,
Used by children on a sunny day.
I get used at school,
Making marks however I may.
I am a voice,
Speaking for those who cannot speak.
I have no choice.
Though what I do is bold, I am weak.
I am art,
Creating a message of power.
The images I make can tear you apart.
With me, you'll never be locked in a tower.
I am chalk.
You can walk all over me
& use me as much as you'd like
I'll just wash away when it rains.
My words are more true than an oath,
Because they are taken straight from the heart & soul.
Penetrating the thickest shields,
Jumping the highest fences.
My power cannot be measured in numbers
Nor by words can it be described
I cannot be kept silent, though I make no sound.
For I am the giggles of little children,
& the voice of a teenaged girl,
Singing to herself as she speaks her truth.
Because I am her, & she is me.
No matter where she goes, I am with her.
College will have to get used to the idea.
I am a game, a tool, a voice.
You can use me, I love to be used,
There is nothing I'd like more.
I am chalk, hear me roar.

We Are Afraid

Who are we?
We stand with arms wide open.
For what?
To hear the world call out to us,
& to feel the wind caress our necks?
I am a girl.
A girl who is afraid.
My heart is slowly slipping far away.
It has started its journey into his loving arms.
No matter what I do, I cannot make it stay.
Perhaps I always knew,
He was meant to hold my heart.
When I fell, he was there.
When I rose, he was there.
When I got hurt, he was there.
So here he is.
Who are we?
We sit, waiting for our lives to start,
For what?
To have everything handed to us
& to never feel any passion?
I am the world.
A world that hides behind sins.
Lust, gluttony, violence, & greed,
Shields to hide our terror.
Of all the foes, love is the greatest enemy.
Because it means giving one person control.
Control of our happiness & our hearts.
Far off in the distance, I see him,
My heart resting in his enormous hands.
Inside & out, I know I've found home.
Who are we?
We are those who are afraid.

Written: January 31, 2012.

Hope

A hand, pale, & cold,
Reaching into the gloomy night
Though you can't see her, there is a girl.
It is her hand blindly groping the empty space.
Before her is a heart, fluttering rapidly
Slowly it slips out of her grasp
Floating away through the frosty mist
Her eyes widen, pupils growing large
What was happening to her delicate heart?
Far beyond the frame is a boy
Nothing can be done as his hands open
Clean palms, bare skin, kind & gentle.
The heart has set sail for his coordinates
He is so warm, so restful, so comfy.
But the girl didn't know how it could have happened,
Locked away, far from view
Safe & sound was the heart, her heart.
The past few years had been so hard
Cold, hard, & sad years
Underneath it all, she was just scared
Soft & easily broken.
How could she have let it escape?
But the heart knows something she never knew.
It carries with it, a secret.
No matter how far that frozen hand may reach,
She has no control now.
All she can do is fall.
Perhaps she will be right & break upon impact
Or she will be wrong & that's the scariest part.
Maybe he will catch her.
That's the secret the heart carries.
Because beyond this picture,
There is hope.

Written: January 30th, 2012.

Messes

You are a mess.
I am a mess.
We are a mess.
Everyday I wait for your text,
Assuring me that you care,
But it never does, it just makes me confused.
This can't be one sided.
Please don't let this be one sided.
Can it be coincidence that this is still here?
After 3 years, we keep coming back to each other?
What does it mean?!
In my closet is a folder
Full of letters I used to write you
& the pictures you used to draw me.
One day I promised not to write anymore
But all I want to do is talk to you.
You won't let me inside your head.
I can still see that look on your face
Still feel the warmth of your hand
Why can't you always be that way?
That boy is the one I want
He makes my heart soar.
We don't have to be complicated.
If there is something holding you back, tell me.
I'm stupid.
I know I'm stupid.
Clingy & pathetic & stupid.
Not lovable, not attractive, just stupid.
So are you.
Do you like me, or don't you?
Because I can love your stupidity.
My arms & hands & heart could love stupid.
As long as I knew it was my stupid.
We are a mess,
Just the two of us.
Your messiness is ever so compelling.
I've dwelt on it many a day & night
Laughed about it & cried about it.
I want a part of your messiness.
Not to change it, but to live it
Even if it makes me a bit more messy.
Believe me, there is nothing I'd like more.
After all this time, to be yours & you be mine.
To have your hands to hold & your lips to kiss,
Would be many a dream come true
Yes, it's cliche & yes, it's cheesy,
Life is a cliche, & it is almost always cheesy
Maybe that is to help the rest to find their way
We don't have much time, for it is running out
In a few months we'll graduate
God only knows what will happen then
But I can't go without knowing
Knowing that we had a chance to be together
Together,
Doesn't that sound wonderful?
Like a long awaited homecoming.
Let us together be a mess
A jumble of laughter, music, & love.
Happiness & wonder tangled into one big knot.
We are a mess of mixed messages,
A terrible, horrible, no good very bad mess.
Please be my mess,
I promise to be yours
We could be the best mess.
Together we can be one happy mess.

I wrote this January 3rd, 2012. I wrote it for the boy I thought was the one. What's funny is that he didn't want to be with me if I was going to end it once college started & ... that's what he did. Oh well, the past is the past, life has moved on for the better, & I am happy. It's true I will always love him, but I can breathe again without him & honestly, that's all I can ask for.