Living

It's like they all say
The world is an unknown, crazy place.
Don't leave that which you know,
Stick to your own.
I didn't.
I left.
I chose to live rather than die.
Death was inevitable.
It was sneaking up on me, slowly caressing me
Passing me in a car,
Tickling me in a pill bottle.
Whispering sweet nothings to me as a cleaned a knife.
Death knew how to woo me,
How to suggest our affair.
I could see it in my eyes & skin.
Deeper than anyone around me knew.
So I left.
It's like they all say.
Just stick to it, everything will work out
Keep on plugging
It'll get better, you don't mean that.
But I did.
& it didn't.
I decided it was time to change.
Change is a gift.
Though everyone will say it's not.
Sometimes college isn't the answer.
At least not right away,
I did something else.
Changed.
But that didn't save me.
Nothing can save you unless you save yourself.
You can only lean on yourself.
It's like they all say.
If you work hard enough, anything is possible.
Keep on track.
Don't get distracted.
I did.
I fell in & out of love.
I allowed myself to see things.
Because that's what life is about.
When Death is at your back,
When you feel exiled from the rest of the world
When they tell you it's up to you,
Take time.
We are young, we are strong, we are real.
School & work won't always prepare you for living.
Sure, I still feel the weight of the world on my back.
But I'm alive.
I know that despite all odds, I will live.
Because I have.
& I am.
Death had me in its bed.
It had me filled with promises of peace.
No more stress, no more pain.
Just silence.
When you've lost your love,
All your reasons for going on,
You'll know the dangers of Death's voice.
I almost gave in.
But despite what, "they all" said, I survived.
I can make it through anything
It's like they all say,
The world is a crazy, unknown place.
The only way to make it,
Is to live, to discover.
Then the world becomes your home.

Mirrors

How many times have you looked into the mirror today?

10 times? Maybe 20?

Or maybe it was just once.

Of all those times, how many times did you look at you?

I can guess.

You haven't.

We look at our zits or our make up

We look at our clothes & our accessories,

Can you see the welting pimple?

How about my bra strap?

Will I look fat in this shirt?

Are these pants too tight?

Can you remember the last time you saw yourself?

Just you.

The last time you looked into your eyes & saw you.

Your soul, your essence, your self.

I'm guessing some of you can.

Some of you may think you have, but haven't.

You've looked in the mirror & seen only what you aren't.

Not perfect, not good enough, no desirable,

But what are you?

It's hard.

So hard to see ourselves for what we are

Hard, but not impossible.

You are more.

So much more.

How many times have you looked into the mirror & seen beyond?

Beyond the world, beyond your pain & joy?

Maybe you've just seen beyond the present.

How often have you believed it?

I haven't seen it in a very long time.

But I live on the knowledge that inside of me there is more.

So much more.

We can do anything.

Will it be easy?

No, but nothing worth anything is.

You are more than a boy or a girl or a they.

You are more than any sexuality.

You are more than any of the identities out there.

You are you.

Flawed & grasping at life.

So try.

Each & every day I want you to try.

I will too.

Work to see yourself beyond what you think you should see.

Transcend above the shame & criticism.

Look past those mirrors filled with rolls & cellulite.

See more than the superficial appearance you see.

None of that matters unless you decide it does.

Mirrors will tell you nothing more & nothing less than what you allow.

Forget what they say.

Until you love yourself, you won't be seen. 

You Are Gone.

You are gone.
I wasn't aware that you were leaving.
Was it suicide?
Did you decide it was time?
I wish I'd known.
I wish I could have been there.
You gave me music.
You gave me magic & a portal into another world.
I never really got the chance to thank you.
I never got the chance to let you know how much I love you.
How much I admire the life you chose.
How generous, kind, & selfless you were.
When everyone was ashamed of me,
It was only you who made me feel welcome.
But now you are gone.
Never to return.
I pray you went straight to Heaven
You were a Saint.
Giving your life & your love to those around you.
You chose to love us rather than make your own family.
I wish I could be what you were.
Selfless, holy, pure, good.
We miss you.
More than there are words.
But you are at peace.
The pain is gone & you can move.
You have control of your life again.
For that I am grateful.
I just wish I could have said good bye.
& thank you,
For the love, for the music, for your smiles.
For respecting my choices.
May you rest in the peace you deserve.
You are gone, but you are with me everywhere.

R.I.P. Aunt

That Girl

There is a girl I know.
She spends all her time hanging around me.
From the moment I wake up,
Until the moment I fall asleep, she's there.
I cannot stand this girl.
She hogs the mirror, complaining about her looks
She doesn't quite fit my clothes, but insists on wearing them
If I really want something, she will sabotage me
I hate this girl
When I have things I need to get done,
She will waste my time with trivial matters.
Anytime I try to better myself, she finds a way to ruin it
This girl is ruining my life
No matter how I try, I can't make her leave.
She won't give up, won't give me a moment's rest
Even if I run away she's right behind me
How can I lose what appears to be my own shadow
This girl is a parasite.
As soon as I open my mouth, her words come out
She is clumsy, awkward, & incompetent.
Her stupidity overshadows my cleverness.
She is the reason no one takes me seriously.
I sometimes wish this girl were dead.
This girl who steals my time.
This girl who won't give me a moment's rest.
This girl who cannot function.
This girl is who I see when I look at my reflection.
I am that girl.
That girl who gave up everything because of a broken heart.
That girl who isn't good enough.
That girl who won't make the effort to be better.
That girl with all these flaws,
She is me.

Let Them

Let the children play,
Let them make believe.
If he wants to be a princess, let him.
If she wants to be a super hero, let her.
Let them leap from rock to rock,
Battling the invisible demons that surround them.
Goodness knows they'll be doing so the rest of their lives.
Let them giggle with their friends,
Let them play in the park.
What are skinned knees, but lessons learned?
Soon enough there will be deeper cuts you cannot tend.
Let the children play.
Let them dream the day through.
If there are mud pies to be made, let them.
If there are dragons to be slain, let them.
Let them explore the enormous world around us,
Discovering that which brings them joy.
Help them grow outward instead of inward.
They'll do that all on their own.
Let them make mistakes,
Let them be too silly.
What harm can be done by a little embarrassment?
Life is made up of silly slips & enormous mess ups.
Let the children play,
Let them be happy.
If they want to be silent, let them.
If they want to be crazy, let them.
Let them seek the way they are,
Finding the pieces that make up a person.
Best it happens now than when they're all grown up.
Let them be themselves.
Who cares what anyone else says?
What right does anyone have to dictate who they are?
Let the children be children.
Don't force them to grow up too fast.
Because soon enough you'll see the damage that will do.

An Elf & An Oaf

On opposite ends of the universe
But I feel a charge
It forces me forward, pulls me beyond my niche
Do you feel it too
Or is this only in my mind?
You are an elf
It's the only way I can describe you.
Old but bright
Calm but sharp, too sharp
Who am I to prick my finger?
We belong on different planes
Parallel existences, never meant to touch
Yet I want to.
I want to know your wisdom,
Show you another world.
But I shouldn't, thus I don't.
Your elvish ways make my nose crinkle,
When you pay me attention, I flush.
How can I hide my attentions?
I am nothing, a child, a fool.
Existing separate from you
How could I have fallen prey?
Perhaps I'm too weak.
My idle mind has more time to consider this
I made believe of a connection
Across the oceans of time
Between an elf & an oaf
I care.
I shouldn't, but I do.
Cleverness is not my nature,
I have nothing to offer you.
Complete opposites, never meant to touch,
But I feel a charge.
It is pulling me to you.

Why Should It Matter?

Why should it matter?
Yes, I'm alone but I'm happy.
Who are you to ask me why I'm unattached?
How could it possibly influence you?
It doesn't.
There are more ways to measure strength.
Ways to comprehend the way I live my life
But they don't fit into your box.
Must be sad for you.
To fell the need to make everything singular.
Nothing about me has ever been cookie cut
Why should it matter?
I have no need for those things in my life
Scientists may say it'd be better,
But they can bend the facts however they choose.
My life is not yours to dictate.
I am happy the way things are.
Forcing things will do nothing.
Don't ask me those questions
Don't act as if you have the right to pry
My relationship status means absolutely nothing.
It does not measure my value,
It does not calculate my skill,
It is nothing more than a trait.
What should it matter?
Why do you look away as though it's shameful?
I may be without a date on a Saturday night,
But I have respect for myself
I'm not going to be with someone,
Just for the sake of being in a relationship
I'm not going to change myself
Just so I'd be more appealing to someone else.
Because at the end of the day,
The only opinion that matters is mine.
So why does it matter to you?

What Are We Doing?

What are we doing?
When you smile that smile at me, what does it mean?
Because I like you more than I ought to
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if you didn't encourage me.
How do you feel?
When I smile that smile at you do you feel it too?
The pull, the allure, the connection.
Or is that just all in my head?
You reach out like you want to touch me
I'm terrified of getting burned.
Is that why you never do?
This time apart is good, it gives me a chance to think
To clear my head from your elvish spell
Your smile is wicked, full of mischief,
I want to be a part of it.
But how?
What are we doing?
Stupid smiles, silly dreams.
I have no foundation for any of my claims.
Nothing but the pull.
Constant & real to me.
Luring me closer & closer to you
Close, but not close enough to touch.
I'm so afraid of you.
Because I shouldn't feel this way
Everyone tells me so
Yet I feel it growing everyday
I dream of us & the future.
Ridiculous & childish though that seems.
We have no place together,
So what are we doing?
Tempting fate, being fools,
Giving in to a force that appears bigger than me,
Or is this all just my own little dream?

Trying to Say Goodbye

I keep trying to say goodbye.

I force myself to close the door.

But without my knowing it opens back up.
It's all I want, but it's all I fear
Because saying goodbye means that it's over
And that's something that is all too difficult to accept.
I hate the deep dull ache that haunts every step
The slow motion tearing of my heart.
Every time I start trying to say goodbye
I feel like a load has been taken from me
But I'll smell his cologne somewhere
Or hear his name called in a crowded room
I realize the weight isn't gone
It's always been there
I keep trying to say goodbye
But it's the last thing I want
Because he always came back
Even when I didn't want him to
He came back
I want him, I've always wanted him
How can I give up if he could return?
I love him.
I've spent my whole life believing that would be enough
But it's not.
Love will never be enough.
So I'm burning his letters
The ones I wrote when he was gone
Burn the pictures of us & the ones he drew
Let them all go up in flames.
Because waiting for him is killing me.
I'm done trying, so I will do.
Goodbye Handsome, thanks for everything.

Written Winter 2013

Ourselves

It happens to all of us.
The sudden shutter of the world we built.
Eventually we all witness the destruction.
Finding ourselves with nothing but that,
Ourselves.
A fair few of us will find peace there.
The rest of us will believe we've been left with nothing.
But it's a lie.
We have one thing,
Ourselves.
What does that mean to you?
To know that you will always have yourself,
Even if the world ends we will have us.
The most beautiful & power force.
Ourselves.
Does that scare you?
Fill you with dread?
Why?
Because of everyone in the world, who are we hardest on?
Ourselves.
One day you'll find a shadow behind your eyes,
Passion will leave you cold & exhausted.
Everything that once was second nature becomes a struggle
We are on our own with none other than,
Ourselves.
You will not like what you see,
The face that once was yours to share is only yours.
No make up, no touch ups, no botox or plastic surgery.
Just us reflected back to us.
Ourselves.
So make the choice.
Love yourself.
Otherwise, when it's just you, you will be alone.

I'm So Sorry

I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for the lies.
For the bad attitude everyday.
All the things I said I'd do but never did.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to walk out alive.
For not having the will to thrive
All your tough love didn't prepare me enough.
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry for not being enough
For not being so sure & then not at all
All my dreams died with the leafs.
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry for disappointing you
For falling short of your expectations
All the while wasting my time.
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry I didn't have the will to fight
For not knowing how to ask for help
All I really want is support.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry I was too afraid to say goodbye
For letting him win my spirit.
All I wanted was for him to come back.
I'm so sorry,
I'm sorry I don't know how to communicate
For all the horrible things I've said
All I was trying to do was make you listen.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for wanting out
For pushing you away from me.
All the times I've made you miss.
I'm so sorry,
I'm sorry for my resentment, for my anger.
For all those backhanded comments.
For everything I did to hurt you the way I was hurting.
I'm so sorry.

But I'm also thankful.
So thankful for the life you made possible.
Thank you.
Thank you for the gift of music.
Thank you for the gift of teaching.
Thank you for the gift of health.
Thank you for the passion for independence.
Thank you for the passion for life.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Forgive me.
I love you.

Dedicated to my parents.

Reference Point

It doesn’t stop.

When you think of pain, you think of him.

Even if the pain has long since gone,

You still dwell on that time when he split you in two.

It’s a reference point.

For the lowest point in your life.

It doesn’t stop.

When you think of happiness, you think of him.

Even though he has since broken you,

You still recall the way his smile made your day.

It’s a reference point.

For the greatest time of your life.

It doesn’t stop.

When you think of love, you think of him.

Even when you’ve said goodbye to your heart,

You still linger on that feeling of pure security.

It’s a reference point.

For the most evocative chapter in your life.

But remember.

Your life has only just begun.

That love will not be the last.

It may have been the first but others will come.

One day, he will no longer be your reference point.

It’s not a crime to loiter on the past.

Referring to him doesn’t mean you still feel that way.

It just means he is all you’ve known so far.

Don’t allow him that power.

For he left.

He is nothing but a reference point.

A cold, dead memory.

It may feel like reality, but it is nothing but memory.

Never forget.

It may not stop,

But neither do you.

Some day, you’ll have a new reference point.

Your Memory

I sit here & I think about you.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

I’ve melted it & molded it into what I wish it would be.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

Everyday I walk through it all, the way we used to kiss

The way I loved you like you were the only one.

But it was never you, it was only my dream.

Here’s what I have to say to you now.

I hope you’re happy with the emptiness you left me with.

Your mind games go on today.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

I hate you but I love your memory.

How could you just walk away?

No looking back, no hesitation, not a second thought?

I REACHED OUT TO YOU!!!

I TRIED TO BE YOUR FRIEND!!!

YOU JUST LOCKED ME OUT!!!

WHY?!?!?

You wouldn’t have done that to me.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

I want you to come back, so I can slam the door in your face.

But it wouldn’t be you, it’d be your memory.

I can’t even remember your face, I can’t even hear your voice.

It was never you, it was always a memory.

I will always hate you, I will always love you.

But it won’t be you, it’ll just be your memory.

I should’ve moved on, from that ridiculous time.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

Don’t flatter yourself into thinking I’m not over YOU.

It’s not you, it’s your memory.

I just want a chance to say goodbye.

But not to you, to your memory.

If I could I would erase you from the world.

But not you, just your memory.

I’m not even sure who you were anymore

Because it’s not you, just your memory.

I’ve romanticized every moment we ever had.

But it’s not you, it’s your memory.

When we fought every week & I kept holding on.

It wasn’t to you, it was to your memory.

I loved the thought of you, the thought of being loved.

But it wasn’t you, it was your memory.

I just have to keep reminding myself of the truth.

It’s not you, it’s your memory.

Growing Up Now

I'm growing up now,
On my way to the big one eight.
The age I've always wanted to be.
All my dreams are coming true.
I've got a boyfriend & he makes me so happy.
He is everything I've always wanted,
Just wanted you to know.
Life has been so much better without you.
I'm growing up now,
Going places I've wanted to go,
Feeling life with my whole heart.
Because you don't exist anymore.
My world is a mess, I won't lie,
Even still, I'm great.
Tip top shape, feeling hotter than ever.
You never got a chance to have me,
Poor you.
I'm growing up now,
Stronger than I have ever been.
Returning to the girl I've longed to be.
No where is more comfortable than my skin,
Fitting me like a glove.
Poetry & crafts, chalking & singing,
Life is on my side this time.
Got into every college I applied for.
Where are you?
I feel sorry for you.
The way that things turned out,
You thought you had my heart,
Little did we know you did nothing for me.
I am growing up now,
With a boyfriend & a job & a life.
Just wait & see what'll become of me.

Written: February 24th, 2012

Strangers

I look into your eyes &
The boy I knew is gone,
But your face is the same.
We were best friends
Playing tag & annoying everyone.
None of it mattered as long as I had you.
You don't exist anymore
Like a beautiful unicorn, you disappeared.
Don't come back, please.
Stay away from me.
Mom told me not to talk to strangers,
That's exactly what you are.
I loved you.
When I needed you, you were there.
Now it's a if we didn't exist.
Be happy.
For goodness sakes, please be happy.
Hold your girlfriend tight.
Just forget about me.
A year ago, I burnt your name.
With your lovely little lie of, "I'm gay,".
Liars have no place here, not in my life
& I don't talk to strangers.
No matter what you look like,
You are a stranger.
Our worlds belong on separate sides of the galaxy.
Don't come around anymore,
Because you aren't you & it hurts.
There are so many like you,
People I loved who walked out on me.
So long, enjoy your new life,
I love mine.
I just hate running into strangers.

Written: February 17th, 2012

Who Am I?

I am a tool,
Used by children on a sunny day.
I get used at school,
Making marks however I may.
I am a voice,
Speaking for those who cannot speak.
I have no choice.
Though what I do is bold, I am weak.
I am art,
Creating a message of power.
The images I make can tear you apart.
With me, you'll never be locked in a tower.
I am chalk.
You can walk all over me
& use me as much as you'd like
I'll just wash away when it rains.
My words are more true than an oath,
Because they are taken straight from the heart & soul.
Penetrating the thickest shields,
Jumping the highest fences.
My power cannot be measured in numbers
Nor by words can it be described
I cannot be kept silent, though I make no sound.
For I am the giggles of little children,
& the voice of a teenaged girl,
Singing to herself as she speaks her truth.
Because I am her, & she is me.
No matter where she goes, I am with her.
College will have to get used to the idea.
I am a game, a tool, a voice.
You can use me, I love to be used,
There is nothing I'd like more.
I am chalk, hear me roar.

We Are Afraid

Who are we?
We stand with arms wide open.
For what?
To hear the world call out to us,
& to feel the wind caress our necks?
I am a girl.
A girl who is afraid.
My heart is slowly slipping far away.
It has started its journey into his loving arms.
No matter what I do, I cannot make it stay.
Perhaps I always knew,
He was meant to hold my heart.
When I fell, he was there.
When I rose, he was there.
When I got hurt, he was there.
So here he is.
Who are we?
We sit, waiting for our lives to start,
For what?
To have everything handed to us
& to never feel any passion?
I am the world.
A world that hides behind sins.
Lust, gluttony, violence, & greed,
Shields to hide our terror.
Of all the foes, love is the greatest enemy.
Because it means giving one person control.
Control of our happiness & our hearts.
Far off in the distance, I see him,
My heart resting in his enormous hands.
Inside & out, I know I've found home.
Who are we?
We are those who are afraid.

Written: January 31, 2012.