Starting Anew

Happy Valentine's Day guys. The guy I allowed into my life further than I have let any other guy celebrated with his girl friend today ... he made her a video. Blah. He played me, whatever. Today I discovered that trying to be someone else makes you miss your bus & uncomfortable all day & cold. It's not worth it. So tomorrow I start over. No more silly obnoxious attention needer. I need to stop being the annoying & pathetic person I've become. I look & listen to myself & all I see & hear are things I don't want to be. So here's to a new start. Who cares if I'm just the back up plan? At least they know they have someone to turn to & that's all they can ask for. I'm going to be okay, I really am. & so is everyone else. Everything is going to be fine. God has got my back & he'll never leave me for someone better ;) I don't need a boy, I need a man & no one I know is a man right now. Logan is arrogant, Isaac is a mess, Michael ... he played me & there's nothing for it. Tomorrow I start a new. Now I'm off to help my mom & then off to sleepy-bye land where I can fly & sit by the ocean with a real man. Farewell!

My Life is a Mess

I have a bunch of poems that I'm going to post but I'm in my basement on an old bed wrapped in a quilt & I'm far too comfortable to move. A lot has gone on & I know there's a lot that I've learned. First & foremost that I am the best friend. A guy may come along & make me smile too much & make me feel so happy but at the end of the day, he'll find someone else who is prettier & better. Also that I just have to butch up & deal with the pain. I feel so lost. I've been single for 2 years & it's getting harder & harder. I want stuff. Stuff to take up my time. A Mac Book, a camera, my own room, a studio, a beau. Lots of things. I want to have a car & a show & to never leave the dance floor. I want it to just be me with music playing & me dancing all day long. I want to show the world my talents & my goals. I want people to me for me, but no one is willing to pay attention to my life. No one is listening to me. I don't know how to fix things in my life when I have no control. I let people use me because I don't want to lose the things I want most. My parents, the boys, some friends. I just don't know how to do this. I have no power over my life. It's scary & depressing & awful. I'll write more later when I'm less distracted & less depressed. There's too much going on to type here.