Have you ever given everything to a person & tried to continue loving them? It hurts. Especially when you never did anything wrong. I saw that an old friend of mine was online & so I tried talking to him but he just snapped on me. This is the boy who told me that he was "in like" with me & that he'd never get over me & that he'd always love me. Then I say I want to talk & he responds with a "of all the times you choose now to talk." He says this as if I did something wrong. Of course now he has a girl friend. I just hope a few months from now he's not going to say it was all a show & that he was just hurt & still missed me. Urg it's so frustrating. I always fall for the guys who have too many problems to ever be good for me. & tomorrow I go under the knife. They are removing my gull bladder, isn't that just freaking great? Gah he hurts me so much. Remind me again WHY THE HELL I TRY TALKING TO HIM?!?!?!?!? Because I'm stupid. DUH! Blah. You know what? Screw him. I have an amazing life & this really sweet, cute guy that I happen to be forming a crush upon & yes I know I probably am going to end up liking him too much as I always do no matter how I try, but you know what? That's okay. Because feeling too much is better than feeling too little. See? There goes my God Father to make me feel all better. ;) That's all life is. Just a bunch of ups & downs. One enormous, crazy roller coaster. & I FREAKING LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Life. It's beautiful, it hurts, it soars, & it crashes into 25 trillion pieces. It's all I know & it's all I care to know. I've got my froggies, & my chalk, my friends, my crush, my sunshine, my music, my writing, my everything. I've got it made in the shade. Who needs those who harm us? Oh grody my tummy just made an UBER nasty noise ... won't miss that. ;) Now all I need is for my crush to tell me I'm cute again & I'll be flying in the clouds. He makes me smile like an idiot. ;) Even his so called "creepy" faces. God has my back so I say HERE'S TO LIFE, WORLD, HERE'S TO LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sooo ... my doggy is dying. I really don't know what to do. I've cried, I've prayed, worried ... but I'm just really scared. I've had her since I was little. I got her with a friend I had since I was born. It's so hard. Plus I'm going into surgery & it's just ... yeah. I don't want to say good-bye. I HATE good-byes. Gah. I need someone. Btw I lied about not wanting a boy friend. I want one REALLY badly. I want someone to take care of me. But I wish ... I'm not sure what I wish. I just want to feel safe. Safety.

You Can't Break Me

You can't break me
Throw me into a whirlwind
Break my heart again & again
Take my breath right from my lungs
All of that & still you won't break me
Tell me you love me, then walk away
It's already been done 10 times today
Go ahead & split my life into pieces
No big deal, none of that can crack me
Leave me alone in the desert
To rot away until I'm nothing
Be my best friend then find another
Go right ahead, keep trying to break me
You claim to love me, you say I'm perfect
All those words, yes I believe them
Don't worry about being honest
Just say those words & not mean them
None of that will make me break down
I may cry, I may scream into my pillow
Life may hurt, I might hurt you in the end
But look at it this way, everything you do everyone has already done as well
All my best friends, my whole family, every guy I've ever liked
Each & every one of you use me for all that you need
Then you walk right out the door
Go away, walk right out, keep on going
I'll be fine in a while once I find something else to distract me.
Don't ask me for favors now that you're gone
Because you know I'll buckle & do it for you
Play me, use me, lie to me, go on do it.
Make me cry, & wish to die
At the end of the day, I'll come out stronger without you
No matter waht yo do, no matter my tears, in the end
You can't & you never will break me.

Don't Look Back Fakey

Keep on walking, please don't glance back
You found the girl you want to be with
I'm not she, the girl of your dreams is not me
Our lives turned & went down seperate paths.
Don't look at me
When you leave just keep going
Ignore the urge to search for me in the crowd
You made your choice so just let me go.
Let me move on, enjoy her smiles.
All those words you said, all the texts, all the calls
They were lies weren't they.
Never say that you can't act, because you did.
Give me my time back
Every hour of sleep I gave up to talk to you.
Every day of the months you led me on.
But you can't can you?
There's a lot you can't do, a lot you never will be.
She won't bw able to resist your attention
Who could? Your smiles, the calls, & the texts, you could resist?
I couldn't, even though I didn't try to.
I didn't know who you were
It's not like I didn't try to find out
Fake & phoney, a player, & a selfish one at that.
Please know you were the first one I let inside
The first boy in 2 years.
So please, continue going, forget about me
Don't remember your claims of dating & longing
BEcause I should have known you were no different.
No more honest, nor caring, nor religious.
Those were all lies.
I'll turn my back on you because I through.
Enjoy her girlish manners & her coy intentions
Don't look back at the girl who gave you her all.

Opposite Sides

You can't imagine what life must be like
For a person like me
I have no idea what life must be like
For a person like you.
Challeneges so very different for each of us
Mine involve emotional neglect & abuse
Yours is unknown to me
How long have kept quiet?
For how long have you held in the pain?
Do you smother your sobs so that no one can hear you?
So do I.
Please tell me you can fix whatever is hurting
Advise me on how to control my anguish.
When I'm running & laughing, I really am crying
Obnoxiousness pushes my pain out of sight
I don't want them to see me cry.
Strangers, that's what we are, meeting for the first time.
No fascades, no walls, no holding it in.
Let it all out.
You can't, can you.
Neither can I.
Pretending for so long, means you can't stop
We pretend at school, we pretend at home
Our lives are full of play acting
How do you spill, how do you cope?
When you need to vent, what do you do?
Do you turn your rage upon someone else?
Or smoke until you feel nothing?
Will you ever tell them, how it really feels?
I have, too many times, but they won't listen.
So we'll sit on opposite ends of the world
You with your drugs, me with my notebook
Both trying to forget the pain.

What Every Guy Needs To Know About Me

I adore children (probably because I'm just an over grown kid).

I'm more of a hugger than a kisser

I cry at almost every movie I see.

I am a mess, a complete & total mess.

I feel more pain than I show.

I can literally feel someone else's pain.

I am pathetic, & I can be extremely angry.

I have seasonal depression

My family causes most of my anger & pain.

You can tell that something is wrong if I won't eat.

Writing is my passion, it's how I express myself.

Running is my release of pain

Softball is my favorite sport & I adore playing it.

I have too many goals but I mean to do them all.

I have serious medical problems (i.e. daily migraines & stomach problems)

Hiding is my favorite reaction to hurt

There is nothing I hate more than hurting someone.

I wish I were Peter Pan

Frogs & dogs are my favorite animals

Teddy Bears (&/or enormous stuffed frogs) make everything better

I have OCD about a few things

Love scares me, but I want it more than anything

Swinging is like flying to me.

My poetry will tell you everything about me

I have been hurt too many times.

Fantasy Land is where I live in my head

My bed & I are in love, our children are my dreams.

Music is the blood that pumps through my veins.

I love rain & sunshine.

I believe the wind is God's way of communicating to me.

I do not judge people.

I am saving sex for marriage

Bike rides are best to me alone & SUPER fast, or with one friend going slow.

I believe life is one big grey area.

Mangoes make my life. (Not just day, LIFE)

I am the worst at talking to guys I like.

I have low self esteem, believe it or not.

Synthesizers give me chills.

I want more than I ever believe I'll get.

I usually say really stupid things without meaning to.

Happy endings are my favorite endings.

I hate good-byes.

I'd rather have an amazing guy friend than a boy friend.

All I really want us to be loved.

Sooo that I wrote in September. Have I ever mentioned how much I love How Harry Met Sally? SO FREAKING MUCH!!!!!!! Anyways I am grounded ... shouldn't be on here but yeah ... I'm a rebel. So I feel like there is a ration of 10:1 of women to men. This could be because I go to a school where there are almost no guys. So I realized today that I am a freak. I walk up my street in the pouring rain, singing Dental Care. I'm a failure but that's okay because I have a great time being such. Gah. I want to go to sleep but I have a mid-term to study for. I am Spider Woman. I HATE IVS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... that doesn't look like it is what I want it to be IVs but when I try to make it expressive it just ... yeah. They stuff me full of radioactive crapperdoodles & I'm expected to go to school. Urg. I feel like crappppppp. Blah blah blah blah. I need to get my head on straight. It's kinda cockeyed right now. I have a migraine. I wanna go to sleep.

Because of the chaos I can't feel your love.

All the mess I deal with gives me too much to handle

I'm so tired & so scared of everything

You just tell me to get over it

I AM SCARED!

So so so much so, & I have no hand to hold

Why do you make me do this alone

No matter what I say, you'll always make me do it alone

Maybe you do love me, but not enough.

I'm not the kind of girl who can just do new things alone

Is it so much to ask for some support?!

Life is one big scary mess & I need someone to turn to.

That's not you. No matter what I've tried to tell myself,

You are just not some one I can depend on.

Does that hurt you?

Knowing that your daughter can't depend on you?

I constantly feel like a burden.

Some stupid daughter who is always asking for too much.

Please don't tell me that's not true, because that's how I feel.

My life is one big ball of stress.

I am trying so hard but sometimes it's not good enough.

Who am I to you?

Honestly who am I?

Not a daughter, not a son, so who?

A lodger, a guest?

I've never felt at home in my house.

Only in my bed, asleep.

There, does that speak to you?

Is that loud enough to show you?

You are not here for me.

I have to do this on my own

So what have I to be thankful for?

Getting a chance to grow up that much faster.

Have you ever thought about what you'll spend the last few days of your life doing? I'm kind of hoping I'll spend my last few days, curled up with my froggies, watch Hook, When Harry Met Sally, Star Trek, Star Wars, & 3rd Rock From The Sun. & eat food & laugh & sing & play. I'd spend all my time with the ones I love. I hope I'll always spend my life doing the times I love. Running, laughing, singing, spending time with kids, all that stuff. It's the only legit goal I have in life. Sure, I want to be an English teacher, & a Music teacher, and own my own jewelry shop & write books, & make cds, but what I really want more than anything else is to be happy. No going to the beach, or becoming famous will do that for me, no matter how great it may sound or may believe it to be. I WANT TO ENJOY LIFE!!! Forever. Until the end of time. Honestly. & .... that's all I have to say. Farewell, until next time. ;)

The days pass & I wonder what it is I am supposed to do. I have severe stomach pains, & migraines every single day of my life. Yet I am expected to perform like a normal human. I am supposed to handle everything the same way, react & interact the same way as everyone else but there's one enormous difference. I'm in far more pain than anyone else. SO I've decided I'm giving up on boys. They are FAR too much trouble & if a guy comes & sweeps me off my feet & falls madly for me I won't stop him, but I'm done chasing, I'm done trying, I'm done pretending. Because at the end of the day, all he'll see is an image that isn't really me & so he won't love me anyways. Like in When Harry Met Sally... , they fall for their best friends. That's what I want. Someone to love me for me, not the girl I pretend to be. I'm going to try to win someone who doesn't want what he sees at first. Soooo ... starting today I give up. I'm going to live my life. I'm done waiting & expecting & wanting others to want me & love me. Screw boys. I am focusing on myself & the ones I love. I am going to improve myself until I am the woman I want to be, not the girl everyone wants me to be. Starting now. No matter what meds I'm on, no matter how horrible my family is, no matter what my friends do, no matter if some of my friends hate each other, I AM GOING TO BE ME!!!!!!!!!! Stick that in your juice box & suck it world. Today the sun was out & the weather was beautiful & yeah I had a REALLY bad day, but I found a swim suit I like, & I watched 3rd Rock From the Sun in study hall. That's got to count for something right? So now that I've said something like this twice now, I am going to try with ALL MY HEART to follow through. I promise on Mr. Froggy Face my one true love. I've got to get myself together & that's starts now. Here's to Spring Time 2011!

Mysterious Me

They're watching me

Constantly moving their positions to see more of me

What are they looking for?

My plug? My button?

All the while waiting for me to expose myself.

But what if I show too much?

Over act, over move, over react to their reactions?

It's too hard to think about, too much to handle

Stop watching me, stop trying to figure me out,

I don't want to be watched.

Why must you be the judge of who I can be?

Perhaps because you're an observer.

Or maybe you think you can know me.

Go away, I don't want you to see me.

I'm crying, & dying so please go away

Watch someone else today

Someone pretty& graceful, tender & sweet

Whose curves look so natural & feminine.

The way I move, the way I act

Movements sharp & accented with pain

Don't watch me.

Flee while you can, to another room

A place that is more forgiving & willing to expose.

You'll never find me beneath myself

The only face you'll see is the one that's not me

So if you want to waste your time

Looking for a weakness that isn't there

Be my guest, observe my brick wall

Waste away peering into a vacant sign

I'll never give away what lays behind

Behind the face you think holds answers.

The Actress I Am

I am an actress, one of the best you've ever seen

But you don't know that because the character I'm playing, you think is me.

Sometimes I overact it, so you think I'm a bitch, or self-centered

Other times I let the mask slip.

Even still, you keep buying what I'm selling.

Never doubting that I am who I say I am

I'm not though, not even close.

Deep inside there is a person no one even knows

You don't, I don't, Only God knows me.

He crafted me, created me, planted me

But the girl he made wasn't good enough for the world

So I shut me up inside the big stone sanctuary, where I can't reach myself

I know not to come out, because every time I do, I get hurt.

I am a secret, the kind that no one ever knows

But no one can can tell because I'm so well concealed

To distract you from your main focus, I scream.

I laugh, I jump, I leap, & yell, & prance

Around this girl you'd think that's pure individuality

Fooled. That's what you are, fooled.

Made to believe the lies I hand out like candy

The smiles, the laughs, the bliss, the dance.

You eat it up, I have you eating out the palm of my hand.

Why am I acting? Why do I lie?

Because you won't care

When tears stream down my face, you'll get uncomfortable

Ask what's wrong then give me a hug but you'll walk away.

Crawl back into your hole & forget about my pain

Next time you see me, you won't remember a thing.

Because sometimes I'll over act it, & sometimes I'll let it slip

Underneath, there's still me.

You'll never see her because she knows you won't care.

I'm an actress, the best you've ever seen

But you don't know that because the character I'm playing, you think is me.

I Could Fall For You

I could easily fall for you

Watching you sleep, head on the table as I figure out math

Small conversations about nothing but everything

Always trying to not to catch each other glancing.

How easy it would be to adore you

Like the boy before you & the one before him & the one before him

But I don't know you, not enough to like you.

That's what I've learned, to know who I'm falling for

Otherwise it hurts too much & I won't know what's coming.

I wish I was better at talking to boys

Then I'd talk to you all day

Unfortunately I can't, I can never find anything to say

Words end up falling right out of my mouth

All sorts of stupid things, the absolute worst things to say,

Nothing about me begs to keep you

For too many have used me.

Pain is sometimes all I can see. hear, or feel.

Roller-coaster, that's my life, I am a mess

But that's shy I don't want you to fall for me.

These feelings I could encourage, I smother

You have no idea what I'm like, nor I you.

One look though at your amusing & entertaining face

Almost makes me want to burst

So you're a couple months younger

I don't really care about that,

Eventually you'll grow up & be the man that you're meant to be.

It'd be SO easy, to give in & fall for you

Fear snaps me into place, my fear of the great unknown

No one really thinks of those things when they fall in love

Leaving caution behind they let the feelings win.

That's not who I am, I don't want the pain

I won't fall, not today. I'll enjoy the smiles

Conversations & I'll catch you looking because I'll be looking too.

Who I Am

How can you live with me & not understand me?

Everyday you act so shocked by the way I act.

Does 16 years mean nothing to you?

Or is it simply because you refuse to try

Asking me to teach you who I am?

Teen or no teen you need to try, need to study.

We're not so different when you're in your right mind.

But that has become less & less often & it just makes this harder

Quietly I have taken every blow, but you aren't family

I wish you were, but time keeps going & you fall further away

Never do you try to reach out to me, never will you be able to.

Six & ten years. Long enough to get to know me

Long enough to see who I really am

See the pain I hide behind my pretty face

Time enough to win my heart

Hearts have to be won & you wasted time on others.

While a small beating heart throbbed in the next room.

A small heart that has grown solid when the girl sees you.

Girls should love their parents, I only feel pity

Pity that tugs at my heart to see your pain

Come too late, come at a time that passed long ago

You're late, far too late to win my admiration

Because at the end of the day, you don't know me.

You've not heard my sobs, silent as they are

Never have you seen my fears, nor my agonizing pain

Worst of all, you've never seen me blissful

These are all things you'll never see

Actions by you may inflict pain or sorrow

But you'll never see it.

My face will go blank, my body unresponsive.

Simply because after 16 years of life together

After 16 years under the same roof

You still have no idea who I am.

Live Cautiously, But Don't

Don't move, stay on the path & don't swerve

You always have crazy temptations but let them go.

Boys, what do they do but make problems

Causing such pains & sorrows, let them go.

Flee, the path of independence

You'll have your chance one day, sit & wait.

I know you wanna get up & play the part

Showing that teenagers are just too cool

Honey you have no idea how dumb you seem

Let time pass, let the world spin

Keep on waiting, your time will come

Waiting is the hardest part, but sit tight, one day you'll shine

Do you think I'M being stupid?

Have you any idea of who I am?

I'm like you. I want to act out, to get attention.

But I know a lot more than it may seem

Time goes slow for me, giving me a chance to capture it all

Circling all the main points, trying to keep every moment

I've tried to be independent, but at this age it's a waste.

Instead of being independent, we become caught in trouble

Unable to get away from all the mistakes we've made.

So play it safe, have fun but don't do anything stupid

One day you'll find the right guy & the thrill of life

Hold on for now, list what you want to do

For now the world is big & bad & you've no experience

Wait until you're out on your own, when you've nothing to lose

Play, & laugh, love & learn, break hearts along with your own

Take chances & make a million mistakes, because that's what life is about

Until then, just wait, don't move away from the path

You've your whole life ahead of you

Make the right choices for now, so later you can have fun

But then again what if you die today?

Live cautiously, but throw it all away.