Hope

A hand, pale, & cold,
Reaching into the gloomy night
Though you can't see her, there is a girl.
It is her hand blindly groping the empty space.
Before her is a heart, fluttering rapidly
Slowly it slips out of her grasp
Floating away through the frosty mist
Her eyes widen, pupils growing large
What was happening to her delicate heart?
Far beyond the frame is a boy
Nothing can be done as his hands open
Clean palms, bare skin, kind & gentle.
The heart has set sail for his coordinates
He is so warm, so restful, so comfy.
But the girl didn't know how it could have happened,
Locked away, far from view
Safe & sound was the heart, her heart.
The past few years had been so hard
Cold, hard, & sad years
Underneath it all, she was just scared
Soft & easily broken.
How could she have let it escape?
But the heart knows something she never knew.
It carries with it, a secret.
No matter how far that frozen hand may reach,
She has no control now.
All she can do is fall.
Perhaps she will be right & break upon impact
Or she will be wrong & that's the scariest part.
Maybe he will catch her.
That's the secret the heart carries.
Because beyond this picture,
There is hope.

Written: January 30th, 2012.

Messes

You are a mess.
I am a mess.
We are a mess.
Everyday I wait for your text,
Assuring me that you care,
But it never does, it just makes me confused.
This can't be one sided.
Please don't let this be one sided.
Can it be coincidence that this is still here?
After 3 years, we keep coming back to each other?
What does it mean?!
In my closet is a folder
Full of letters I used to write you
& the pictures you used to draw me.
One day I promised not to write anymore
But all I want to do is talk to you.
You won't let me inside your head.
I can still see that look on your face
Still feel the warmth of your hand
Why can't you always be that way?
That boy is the one I want
He makes my heart soar.
We don't have to be complicated.
If there is something holding you back, tell me.
I'm stupid.
I know I'm stupid.
Clingy & pathetic & stupid.
Not lovable, not attractive, just stupid.
So are you.
Do you like me, or don't you?
Because I can love your stupidity.
My arms & hands & heart could love stupid.
As long as I knew it was my stupid.
We are a mess,
Just the two of us.
Your messiness is ever so compelling.
I've dwelt on it many a day & night
Laughed about it & cried about it.
I want a part of your messiness.
Not to change it, but to live it
Even if it makes me a bit more messy.
Believe me, there is nothing I'd like more.
After all this time, to be yours & you be mine.
To have your hands to hold & your lips to kiss,
Would be many a dream come true
Yes, it's cliche & yes, it's cheesy,
Life is a cliche, & it is almost always cheesy
Maybe that is to help the rest to find their way
We don't have much time, for it is running out
In a few months we'll graduate
God only knows what will happen then
But I can't go without knowing
Knowing that we had a chance to be together
Together,
Doesn't that sound wonderful?
Like a long awaited homecoming.
Let us together be a mess
A jumble of laughter, music, & love.
Happiness & wonder tangled into one big knot.
We are a mess of mixed messages,
A terrible, horrible, no good very bad mess.
Please be my mess,
I promise to be yours
We could be the best mess.
Together we can be one happy mess.

I wrote this January 3rd, 2012. I wrote it for the boy I thought was the one. What's funny is that he didn't want to be with me if I was going to end it once college started & ... that's what he did. Oh well, the past is the past, life has moved on for the better, & I am happy. It's true I will always love him, but I can breathe again without him & honestly, that's all I can ask for.

The Way It Is

I can still see that look on your face
That unbelievable spark in your eyes
I can still feel your arms wrapped around me
& my heart skips a beat.
To be honest, I never could tell a good lie
So I really must say I'm crushing
Don't imagine that this could be easy to say
Because I am so scared right now.
Who knew that this would happen?
That we'd just keep circling around?
Honestly I thought I would not feel this way
Yet here we are right now.
My stomach is filled with so many butterflies
Each one as restless as I
But I have to hold back, I really can't fall.
This has happened before & I just couldn't breathe
Up go the walls, to shield me from you.
It hurts but it's what I must do now
All too often I jump into all of that drama
I cannot get hurt, I must be together
That's why I could not look in your eyes.
That is my secret.
Because if I looked into them I know what I'd find
The boy of my dreams in those deep deep eyes
My heart would just crumble, the walls would decay.
Naked.
I would be completely exposed
Past experiences tell me that would be stupid
So I hide from your handsome face
Even still, my mind can't help but remember
That look in your eyes & I miss you
I long for your arms
The smell of you just makes me swoon
You've got me, though I really don't know how
Yet here we are.
I've been lying to myself for almost 4 years,
Lied about how the sight of you makes me feel.
No matter how I've tried,
You get to me, you get right under my skin,
Making my heart do jumping jacks,
While my stomach does somersaults.
So please just ask me to be yours,
Do all you can to see me again.
Because you're everywhere,
You always have been,
I just couldn't admit it to myself.
There isn't time to waste,
Please, please stay awhile,
& be careful with my heart.
Now I know, this is how it's been.
Let it be the way it is.

The Road Must End

It is the end.
This long path just keeps on going,
But I cannot, not anymore.
Maybe the end is nearer than I believe,
My eyes cannot see whether or not you care.
Whether or not doesn't matter now because I'm done.
I need someone.
I've waited almost 3 whole years.
My hand just needs to be held,
My heart needs to be captured,
I know that I'm a fool, but I want you.
You will never know, I will never tell,
Nothing that I feel will ever be known.
Child I know I am, youthful in my mind,
Simple & not treasured, you would never want me,
They never do, not him & not you.
It is the end.
By now I've lost all hope,
& yet inside your eyes, I see something more.
I wish that you may find the same in mine,
Something here for you, something that is true.
Man I know you are, that is not what I want.
All I want is your heart & your arms with your hands,
For my hand is feeling cold & it is yours to hold.
Please make this the end.
Waiting all the time,
It's getting hard to find the hope that everyone has.
Fools are all I've known, all that I have loved,
Making my heart break for those who don't deserve it.
I put my shields up, but your smile breaks right through.
The world will never know my care for you.
I'm coming to the end of being just a friend,
I want to be held & to be held by you.

I wrote this Fall of 2011, for a boy I knew in the musical I was in. I originally wasn't going to post this, but a few months ago, the same boy died. I don't know why or from what, but obviously you can imagine the agony that pulsed through my veins when I found out. He was the most amazing boy, he spoke Russian & he was so funny & such a great singer. Maybe it was just because he was my show crush, but he was perfect. I still can't believe he's gone. R. I. P. Alex Solberg.

My Final Goodbye

This is it, my love.
My final goodbye.
I have loved you, beyond all reason,
But now it's time to leave all that behind.
I've stopped counting the months & weeks & days,
I've stopped needing you by my side.
Without even noticing I've begun to move on,
No, this does not mean I've stopped loving you,
I doubt that will ever go away.
However, I don't need you.
Be happy, Handsome.
That's all I am asking of you.
Be happy, & never forget our love.
I hope you savor our days as I do,
Drink my final gift to you, & know only this.
At the end of the day, my heart still beats only for you.

Trying

She lays in bed, trying to sleep.
But she can't.
No one can feel how hard this is.
A love she's given up, but won't go away,
A sadness deeper than she can even realize,
A life she's expected to plan out,
A world she wants to have the chance to explore.
It's all out there & she has no way of reaching it.
At least, not the way she sees it.
She's trying.
Not as well as she'd like to, but she is.
But no one tells her it's okay.
Instead they take advantage of her.
So she lays in bed, trying to sleep.
But she can't.
She is naked, everything she has can be taken from her.
Every attempt she makes at freedom, she is shot down,
Every moment of joy, is met with a day of despair,
Every step forward, she is forced back three,
Every assertion, crushed by the word, "Cannot".
There is strength inside her, but no one is there to encourage her.
At least not those who hold the most esteem in her life.
They try.
In all the wrong ways, but they try.
But they only make things worse.
Instead it forces her further into her isolation.
So she lays in bed, trying not to sleep.
But she must.
She is sheltered there, away from the forceful words & stress.
When the rest of her world is sleeping, she is awake.
When she is sleeping, the rest of her world is awake.
When the rest of her world is working, she is dreaming.
When she is working, the rest of her world is dreaming.
How can she go on this way?
No one knows, but she will.
Until the day when her burden is lighter,
Until the day her love for him hurts less,
Until the day she awakes from her slumber,
She will stay in isolation,
Waiting for her pain to change into strength.
She is trying.

I Can't

I can't do this.
I can't go through all of this again,
I just flat out can't.
There are things that are best left alone,
Personally I think this is one of those things.
I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
Can you believe there's such a difference?
This may sound selfish, but I want you to like me.
Not because I like you (I don't think),
But because it makes me feel special.
I hate thinking this, but it's the truth.
Who knows if one day we'll end up together?
For now, I just don't want to think about it.
Maybe I want you to like me because then you'll actually talk,
Then it actually seems like we're friends.
You are a wonderful guy & I wish you well,
But you've got to see it from my point of view.
I can't date & honestly, right now I don't want to.
Please let me find my place of peace for now.
Let's be best friends like we were for so long,
Then once I'm 16 we can start thinking about this.
I know it's hard & I never wished it to be this way.
Give me a chance to breathe, a chance to think,
Because all of that drama is stressful.
Don't think I'm blowing you off because I'm not,
That's the last thing I want to do to you.
So understand that I'm just putting it on a shelf,
Because I can't do this.
I can't go through all of that again,
I just flat out can't.
Not because I don't want to, but because I'm just not ready.
There are things that are best left alone for awhile,
Personally, I think this is one of those things.

Searching In The Woods

I was walking frantically through the woods, trying to find something. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, maybe myself, maybe a long lost friend. There comes a time while we are looking when we just stop looking. Not because we're tired or bored, but just because. The funny thing is that during the time you stop, you usually find what you're looking for. So I stopped & just sat on the ground. I simply listened to what was going on around me. After awhile, I felt lonely so I spoke. I talked to the tree that towered over me, & it seemed to listen. I sat & told the tree about my friends. I told it about my home life & how much I was looking forward to leaving. For so long I just spoke, it just listened & it was simple. Maybe none of us are supposed to find what we're looking for, maybe that something is meant to find us.

Doubt

"The doubting poet spends so much of his time wondering if he should be more sure of himself, that he no longer composes anything, let alone himself." - Peter Blue Cloud
Doubt is the seed of confusion.
Once the seed is planted, everything is in disarray.
But the sun will shine & life will continue.
The rain will fall & the seed will grow
Then it breaks through the surface,
It will branch out.
On one side will be the doubt that leads to good,
Then will come the doubt that tears you apart,
Right in the middle is life,
A path that is the center of all things.
You can become that person who doubts everything,
Or the person who couldn't care less.
I want to be the girl who couldn't care less,
To be able to hear the words of doubt & make note.
But in the long run, unless good doubt, it'll roll off,
Like rain off a window.
Because if you take every little bit of doubt
You fall apart, because nothing is right.
Every move you make is the wrong one.
Sometimes we need to ignore the doubt,
& make way for the confidence we need.
For everyday is a new beginning.
So take that road of positivity,
& ride it to the sunset.

I Can See You Now

I can see you now,
Alone in your room
Lonely without me & I without you.
No one to make me feel safe.
Without you I feel cold
As if I have the chills & beginning to fold.
I miss seeing your face break into a smile,
It's been less than a day, but it feels like awhile.
How did you do this, you got under my skin?
You took away my shields, so I'm here to begin.
I can see you now,
The way that you laugh at me,
When I act too silly.
Did you know that I like you,
Much more than I should?
You're constantly on my mind
I'd shut you out if I could.
It's so distracting to have you in my head.
School is demanding & I need to relax,
& when I'm around you, I kind of freak out.
I can see you now,
& the image gives me butterflies.
My face begins to smile without my consent.
You are the first guy I let in completely in a long time,
It scares me to death to put my heart on the line.
So if I run away & curl up to hide
It's because I don't want a roller coaster ride.
Remember that I'm stupid & ridiculous,
Constantly chasing my own tail.
Be patient with me, for I am with you,
Desperately in like with you.
I can see you now,
& it's everything I've ever wanted.

The Fool

I can hardly believe it,
That I'm playing the fool.
For the past few years I've been all logic,
Now I'm just full of bliss,
Everything is sunshine & roses,
But even still, I'm nervous for this.
My past hasn't been filled with romance,
As a matter of fact, it's been 3 years.
Trust was never my strong suit,
But I'll put it on for you.
Here I am, I've let down my defenses,
Out in the open, you can see all of me.
Do not hurt me, please I beg you.
All I want is for this to last forever,
Just sit in your arms.
We both have baggage, so I'll leave mine at the door.
You're under my skin, keeping me safe,
Let me in & I will guard you.
See me as I am when I'm with you.
Plain as day, you'll know I'm the fool,
Quietly sustained in happiness.
Do you feel the same way?
I love to see that smile light up your face.
When I'm alone, all I can do is picture you,
& my happy smiles can't be repressed.
He never made me feel safe the way you do,
Not even for a second.
My friends are surprised by my silly smiles,
Time drags when we're apart.
Flushed cheeks, bright eyes, & a smile
Are all I see when I look in the mirror,
Like a face I can't recognize, the face of a fool.
But when I look closer, I realize I'm the fool.