So, Finale. I can't lie it was amazing. But I didn't go with the guy of my choice as was the plan ... I need to explain this in full to someone because there's ALWAYS someone who interrupts me or assumes things & I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since I got home. Here's the full side of my story.
I'm not sure if I ever got a chance to tell you about the night I went over to my friend's house with the guy of my choice and a friend of my friends ... okay lets give them all nicknames otherwise it'll get even more complicated. My friend will be Brooke, the guy of my choice will be Bob, and Brooke's friend will be Sally. Background information. Basically Bob asked me to Finale & that was it. We barely talked EVER, especially about prom (mostly because I'm a big freaking coward & he really didn't seem to care) and I don't know Sally at all. We never talk, but we all know each other because of Brooke. Well that night, we went out to get flowers & shizz & it was going pretty well, but I began to feel like the odd one out. Bob & idk who it was either Brooke or Sally were sing a device & having a secret conversation on it. The gap just kept growing & growning until eventually I pulled away because 1. I was feeling sick, 2. I felt like something bad was happening to my dying grandmother, 3. I absolutely HATE being left out. That was my whole entire childhood & I wasn't about to go back to elementary school. I came back & everyone was comfy & happy & having conversations I couldn't contribute to. So here we are, these are the people I would have spent my Finale with, not including 2 more people I don't know. I began to DREAD Finale. I was going to spent ALL that night with people I don't know, in conversations I couldn't take part of, & be left out. I wasn't spending all that money to have a bad time. THEN yesterday a really good friend of mine (we'll call her Georgia) told me the guy of my choice doesn't like me. This was a HUGE weight off my back. I could actually have fun & not have to worry about him judging me or feeling OBNOXIOUSLY awkward all night. But then, I also found out that everyone in that group had already decided they wouldn't tell me until AFTER Finale. The whole group. That meant everyone would know except for me, so I'd be embarrassing myself all night & they'd just let me do it. Then I got invited to spend time with the German exchange students & I began to wonder ... why the heck would I spend my night with people I don't know, who don't even have the courtesy to tell me what's going on & are willing to watch me embarrass myself, when could spend it with those I have only a few more nights with? Brooke had organized the whole night, I would have spent NONE of it with my friends. None of it. I didn't find all this out until near the end of the school day yesterday. On my way to my hair appointment I decided to go with people who can be straight forward with me & who actually care about my feelings. I should have told him. Dear goodness now that I look back, I really honest to goodness should have texted him or called him & told him ... but I just realized right now that couldn't have because he got a new phone & I didn't have his number! & if that whole group had been honest with me from the start, I would have called my part off as soon as they told me, or I would have figured out a better way. But no. They were willing for me to spend my first prom believing one thing & the rest of my summer nights looking back on how fake & embarrassing that night would have been. So I went with my friends. My date was Mr. Froggy Face & we matched & he looked so very handsom & spiffy! & I had the greatest time ever. It was weird to expose the secret part of me. The part that can get dressed up like a princess & look like a girl & to have confidence. But no one really noticed because I'm not a Princess. But that's fine because I wanted to keep that part of me a secret forever. The part of me that goes to opera's & can be civilized. A lot of people wondered why I wasn't with Bob since I had been talking about it none stop with so much excitement for so long & I briefly summarized it, "We were suposed to go as friends, but I don't know him so we're not friends. I didn't want to spend my night with someone I don't know, feeling awkward." For some reason someone over heard what I'd said & thought I was claiming Bob ditched me. I'm not sure who it was, but the news traveled fast because I was getting glared at all night ... probably more than I even knew. Especially Brooke. I'm really confused why SHE'S mad at me when I did nothing to her. Anyways Bob sent me a bunch of really rude, judgmental texts & the part that I really don't get is, if he didn't like me, what's the big deal. I owed him nothing other than to tell him, but that's not enough to be judged the way he judged me. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME!!! Brooke knows me and she was even judging me. I would have thought she'd know me better, but I guess not. I'm not going to get revenge, I told Brooke she knows me & she knows I would NEVER say he ditched me if I ditched him, & I told Bob to look at a few of my poems. I doubt he will, so I'm not going to sweat it, I just thought the best way for him to understand me is to read my writings. I had so much fun last night, despite all of this. I don't regret not going with them, my only regret is that I hurt Bob. I know he's been hurt in the past, but so have I. A lot. It's not even a competition, I should have done this in a better way ...
Who knows where this'll go, all I know is that I needed to tell my side without someone telling me, "You owe them nothing!" or, "You're a b****" all night. I even dreamed about it. Here's to the summer & to hoping he'll look deeper than his own hurt to see my own & that I didn't feel like going back to the days when I thought I was fat (which I'm still struggling with), when I had no real friends, & when I was always being back stabbed by those I called my best friends. Maybe my next post will be the story I wrote about when my friends told me I was an ugly, fat baby, who had no friends. NOW for watching a good movie & eating the pie I couldn't eat yesterday because I was so upset.
Oh & p.s. my mom is in the hospital. Please pray for me & for her & for Brooke & Bob.
I'll say it one last time in case either one is reading this.
I should have told you, I don't know how I could have, but I should have & I'm sorry.
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