Afraid of Falling

I am afraid.
Afraid of you & me.
My heart is not the heart it used to be.
After all I've been through,
Fear has taken hold of my heart.
Running.
I just keep running.
Away from you & away from my mistakes.
I never meant to like you.
Don't think I change my mind often
Other guys can prove how loyal I am.
Forever & Always, it's how I end my letters.
Forever.
Always.
Love should be forever & always.
Life should be forever & always.
In time you'll see how honest I can be.
Never doubt me, time will prove all I say.
Give me time, time to figure things out.
Forgive my constant mistakes, my torn edges.
Other girls may be easier to fall for,
Reflections of themselves are picture perfect
You are the one to decide.
Only you can choose to take the easy route
Unless you prefer to stick with one who cares.
Images.
Other girls are simply images.
At the end of the day, they're nothing more & nothing less.
Minds almost empty, filled with useless nonesense.
Afraid.
Simply of becoming ther real selves.
Fear.
It controls so many of our daily routines.
Rage & passion come & go, with the faces of our times.
All I can offer is my heart & soul
I only have a fragile heart & a half empty soul
Don't cripple me any further
I want to trust you, I'm just afraid of falling.

The Princess Behind The Frog

I am the Princess behind the Frog.
Beauty hidden by a Beast.
What do you want from me?
Afraid.
That's what I am.
Afraid of you.
By saying yes, I put my heart in your hands.
Please don't hurt me, don't make me have to try.
I hate living in fear.
Sitting across from you, afraid of your judgment.
Of all the girls in our school, you chose me.
Why?
My face has nothing to offer,
Neither does my body.
Inside & out I am awkward.
Everytime I open my mouth, out comes a croak.
Couldn't you have chosen some one else?
Some one who could make this so much easier for you?
I live in a constant state of chaos,
Hopping from place to place
Ribbiting as I go along my way.
You, of all people, why did you want me?
Why not a girl whose beauty is breath taking?
Or a girl whose heart is far less fragile?
Maybe a charming china doll would be better,
Better than the Princess behind the Frog.
I will croak & leap & ribbit a lot,
Not many things I do make sense.
Run by impulse my mind will seem.
But I can promise, if you loved me
Time could not erase you from my mind.
Pain will not sharpen my tone with you.
My love would be hard, but it would be strong
As a frog, I build power into my leaps
So that the Princess behind the Frog can fall out.

Bubbling Feeling

There is a feeling that is welling up inside of me.
A feeling of immense love & joy & excitement
I lay in my bed at night, & this feeling grows & grows
Time does nothing for me, neither does anger.
Love & joy & excitement, the way they make me soar!
How can I share it with a world so consumed in craze?
Nothing anyone can do will make it subsist.
Crying only makes the feeling increase,
Pains adds to the intensity.
So many people rush too fast to feel this joy.
Joy that over whelms the mind, body, & soul.
I'd invite the world in, but what will they find?
Besides, if I knew how, I'd never be able to stop.
Magical. That's how this feels.
It is beauty that cannot be put to words.
Twirling & tumbling with me as I go through the day,
Smile on my face as I feel God's love
He sends this feeling to me.
But when it goes, I fall.
I fall down, down, down into a deep deep slum.
In a brand new world where you cannot find a meaning
Nothing you can do or say can pick me up again
Until once again, I get the rush of life in my veins
Pump through me, bring me back to life
Awaken my senses, awaken my heart.
You're afraid of me, & I'm afraid of you.
Trusting you with a fragile newly recovered heart
Fear grips me when I think of how you make me feel.
I am thrown up into the great blue sky
Maybe one day I'll learn how to fly & stay up there.
But for now, I'll just come back down
Slamming back into reality here on earth
Where you can break me into a million pieces.
Until the day I can keep it, I will just sit here.
Sit & enjoy the bubbling feeling.

Silence

Silence.
There's nothing more powerful than silence in a crowded room
What is so powerful to cause such silence?
What words can be said to get those ignorant
All their lives they've opened their mouths
Said things they don't mean but refuse to take back.
Rude words & cruel phrases slip right from their tongues
They never realized that words have so much more power
More than we give them credit for.
But what really makes the world notice isn't the noise.
It's silence.
The way silence can expand & connect the world
Emotions meld until the crowd is one
Moving together in one silent bunch.
All those ignorant people, suddenly open their eyes
Never before seeing those whose eyes were always open
Constantly seeing the people & the world
Hearts lie beneath the surface
Opening, closing to let people in or keep others out.
These hearts they beat as one in the silence
Making no sound, just keeping us alive
Silence
In a single room, in a quiet forest
Together, but apart, silent, but deafening
Up & the down, messy but clean
I know silence, it's something I like best
To be held in some one's arms, enjoying the view
A view from a hilltop, away from civilization
Where I can sing to myself all on my own.
Sometimes in his arms, but always just me
Living in the silence, in the peace that I feel
Feeking, just feeling the warm scented air
Blow through my body & leaving silence & that's where I'll stay.

So. I leave out of town this week end. My head is blowing up. I can't think straight AT ALL! You (meaning no one) are probably wondering, well why on earth would you be so frazzled? Well my dear people it is because I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & what could cause such disarray in my life? A boy. Of course. You'd think that after 3 years I'd be A LOT better at this right? WRONG!!!! I SUCK! & you of course must be saying, "Goodness lady, let's not have a spazz moment, you don't suck!" & my response to you silly people is, "YES I DO!!!!!" Gah. I honestly am flipping out. Not a big deal or anything ... +_+ seriously spazzing here. So I'm just going to go back to my desk & try REALLY hard not to puke. I don't think my nerves are going to be able to handle all of this. Jeez. I need sleep.

Love & Trust

Love me, use me,
Keep me, abuse me.
Slap me, miss me,
Divert me, kiss me.
Lose me, forget me,
Now & then regret me.
Laugh at me, scoff at me,
Go ahead, throw rocks at me.
Try to break me,
Then you'll forsake me.
Chase me, adore me,
Mock me, & bore me.
Live me, breathe me,
Hold me, then leave me.
Resent me, hate me,
Praise me, inflate me.
Look at me & like what you see,
But you'll get bored eventually.
I will love you & I'll never use you,
I will keep you, & never abuse you.
When you're gone, I'll miss you,
& when you come back, I'll kiss you.
Never could I forget you,
Nor could I regret you.
At the end of the day, you'll be on my mind.
I'm not the girl who leaves her love behind.
Lean on me, I'll hold you,
Trust in me, I won't mold you.
Take care of me & I'll take care of you,
Just watch, I'll pull up a chair for you.
So love me, miss me,
Keep me, & kiss me.
Look at me & love what you see.
Because this is us, just you & me.

The Mask I Wear

I stand before you
Smile plastered to my face
A mask secured tightly, to ensure no emotion shows.
Home, I don't feel a home anywhere
Not at my house, not at school
Where I feel most comfortable is in my head
Or in the dance studios running routines
I always imagined standing on a hill top
Covered in grass, with the smell of spring in my nose
Belting out the most beautiful song I can make
All the while feeling the wind in my hair
Filling me with strength & hope
I'm looking for that place & someday I'll find it
Until then, you'll see me sugar coated
Just be sure not to bend me too far
Sugar is brittle & easily broken
Watch out if mine breaks, I'll be a mess.
I can't be broken, but I can be exposed
My spirit is stronger than you can imagine
No amount of pain can break me, no matter the tears
All I'm looking for is a place to be alone
Just me & the world, all to myself.
Home, I need a place to feel at home in.
They don't see it, none of them can tell
Almost everything I show is artificial.
Living, breathing, smiling,as someone else.
You won't ever see through my mask until I let you
Because I am so afraid to show my face
The face behind the plaster mold I wear.
I stand before you
Smile plastered to my face
A mask secured tightly, to ensure no emotions shows.
No one can see me underneath the facade.

I Am Afraid of Love

As I stand here, at the edge of the cliff,
I feel the sun on my face & the wind in my hair
My life is playing before me, going on & on
Forgotten moments flash by, heart ache & laughter
Open eyes I see in the mirror as I stand alone
Real or not. this is who I am
Through it all, I was able to keep my chin up
Here & now my head is dropped, my spirits down
Everything that matters disappeared from view
Sisters in crime, my very best friends
They slowly drifted away, drifted out to sea
All of them promised to hold me through it all
Raw are the wounds they left in my sides
Sores they opened with their own actions
Because I am not perfect
Even now, after everything, I am still a mess
Folded into a small little ball that stands by itself.
Old. I feel old & weary.
Roads that go on forever are all I've traveled on
Every few yearsI find a nice park to spend time in
I never realized that it was simply a mirage
Only when you've spent too many months.
Useless months enjoying what isn't even there.
Fear will grip you once you realize you're lost
All that time, you believed you knew where you were
Let it go. Time & time again I find something t hold on to, you can too.
Listen to the wind, whistling to you, calling for you
Allow yourself to feel the way the world swallows you
Live. Before it's too late, live.
I know you're scared, so am I.
Come, the time is near for us.
I can feel it, shut your eyes, take me hand,
And fall into the darkness.

A Vicious Cycle

Because the world keeps spinning
I keep going through the motions
School keeps showing up every week
I'm a simple person, trying my best to be my best
Life keeps me on my toes
Loly-gagging through the park
Dancing on my way to bed.
I don't want to say my life is like everyone else's.
Bubbles, chalk, Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, & Peter Pan make me happy.
Yelling as I leap away from some bug
'Tis the story of my life
That's the way I get it done
Going to own the world by the end of my time.
Never letting you take me down.
Who cares if I'm a clown if I have fun?
You can't beat me, can't leave me behind
I know who I am, & who I'll be
Just give me time, I'll show you what I can do
Don't you dare judge me, I can see it in your eyes
All the things about me that aren't perfect
I see you making mental notes
I am the girl who's too different to love.
My emotions are unpredictable, I am unsteady
But I am always ready for my life to change
Life is too short, it never stops moving
The world won't stop turning
Hearts will keep on getting broken
People will continue hitting below the belt
Lives will be taken away, light fading from view
You'll always judge someone you don't understand
I'll always be reday & I'll keep going
Walk on top of me to try & reach the top,
Just remember , if the support goes, so will you.

Okay so just REALLY quick, I GOT ASKED TO FINALE!!!!!!! By the guy of my choice! YES! Yesterday! ;) SOOOOOOO happy. But I'm suuuuper nervous & having a brain over load sooo ... yeah. Just wanted to document it! Okay now to type up the other poems.
OH before I forget, most of the poems I'm putting up, are old ones I finished recently! Okay bye. ;)

Thunderstorm Freedom

I want a thunderstorm to roll across the sky

To shake the walls & help me cry

I need to feel the rain pour down my face

Changing my sight from pain, t grace

My hope is gone, my heart is hollow

Rules push me into place, rules I have to follow.

Let the rain break me free, I cannot change.

I am sick of feeling this way, I feel so strange

As if I don't belong in this life, not here.

Sometimes I see someone else when I look into the mirror.

A face that isn't mine, so cold & pained.

Eyes blood shot, & the cheeks are tear stained.

That can't be who I am, I am stronger than that.

Fearless, I used to be fearless when I came up to bat.

Now I can't find myself beneath this messy facade .

Where can I have gone? The only One who can help is God.

HELP ME, someone please release me.

Rain come down & clean my soul so I can see

Open the that seals me in .

The time has come for me to re-begin.

I want thunder & lightening to excite the night

I need something to remind me its going to be alright.

Clear my mind, refresh m spirit.

No matter what it takes, as long as you fix it.

Bring an earthquake, even a flood

Just help me find the fire in my blood

An inspiration is all I want, a reason

Don't tell me it's all in my head, this isn't just a season.

Feel. All I want is to feel.

To know that I am still real.

Kiss me hold me, promise you won't say good-bye.

I want a thunderstorm to roll across the sky

So that I can feel alive.

I Am the Best Friend

Who's going to be there when I fall?

Will I be alone or surrounded by all?

I desperately want to feel what they've all felt

To know what it's like to have pain melt.

So far though, I'm just the best friend.

Always there when the guy's love is at an end.

Open arms, constantly open arms

Mind, heart, soul, open to the world.

But so many just turn away.

I know I'm not especially gorgeous

Nor am I unbelievably fantastic to be around.

Yet I know I can't be so horrible either

Foolish? Yes. Dimwitted? Yes.

And many, many more, but not horrible.

I'm a nerd, a loser, a romantic thinker

Even still those aren't that bad are they?

Perfect friend is the only name they've given me.

So where is Prince Charming?

I keep waiting for m high school sweet heart

Although I'm beginning to believe he doesn't exist.

Look at me! For goodness sakes LOOK AT ME!

Don't I make you feel safe & happy?

When you're falling apart, isn't it me who makes it better?

Now can't you do the same for me,

Or am I destined to be alone?

Who's going to be there when I fall?

Will I be alone, or surrounded by all?

I desperately want to feel what they've all felt

To know what it's like to have my pain melt.

But all I am is just the best friend

Always & forever I'll be here, until the end.

Open arms, constantly open & loving arms

Broken hear, filled mind, deep soul, open to the world.

Powerless

How can I find safety when every thing's at war?

If I were to jump, I feel so sure that I would fall

No one to catch me, to save me from myself

Yet every time I fall I get right back up again

So many ways to kill a dragon yet only one way to ride it.

Maybe life is about the choice rather than the action.

Will you love me when I fail?

I'm not so sure you will.

Because every time I have, you've been so harsh.

Pain, it's a language I speak quite fluently

It's a part of my daily life, part of the routine.

Who am I to you?

When I open a door I'm never sure if it was wise.

Second guessing every step of the way

Afraid that I'll always be like everyone else

More confused about what I need to be than who I am.

Longing for the day when I don't have to do this alone.

How often do you stop to think about me?

I know your life has been different

But you cannot relate to me, you barely know me

So you should try to fit into my shoes.

How can I find safety, when every thing's at war

Time can only tell what these things mean for me

Life. What is it all about?

Either you ride the dragon, or you kill it

Freak out, or let it go, cry, or find a way to make it.

You have to learn how to choose, how to make the right choice

No one can tell you which way to go, which choice to choose

In the end it's all up to you, so start working now

Figure it out, watch what others may do

Because all you can do is learn from their mistakes

Stop feeling helpless, because you have a life to live.

How can I find safety? I'll find it in myself.

Selfish Attempts

I try too hard.

I try to be the best & I fail

Because everyone else has got it already.

I want too much.

I want to feel special but I don't

No one sees me as anything but ordinary.

So why not take the easy street?

Why not go to a normal high school where I would be special?

I'd still have to deal with home but hey!

For a short period of time, I'd feel special without trying.

You wanna know what I want?

I want to be happy.

That's all.

I want to feel like it's going to be okay.

As if everything I've done will make a difference.

No more feeling like I'm the bottom of the food chain

Make it okay, please help me make everything okay

I try too hard

Because all I've ever wanted was to be adored

To make the world see that I'm beautiful

I used to be the best, but now I'm just another

So I try even harder, to make it to the top

My attempts are all in vain & I have nothing left to give

Want to be happy, is asking far too much

Caring who loves me most & who I am on top of

Looking only to see who is looking at me.

It's far too vain & silly, so why should I try?

Time is too short to waste on selfish intentions

Feeling special doesn't mean having attention

One can be special to a friend or a child

All you have to do is simply give

I try too hard to make myself have worth.

So I give up & make those I love know their own.

Last night I went to Stations of the Christ. I cannot explain how amazing it was. Life is so beautiful. Tomorrow, I go to the Minnesota Opera & transform into a Princess. Every time I sit in that audience, I feel like I belong, like I'm living another life. The life where I dress up & look like a charming young woman instead of the tom-boy I've always been. Where I go to Operas & go to fancy restaurants, & am a classy Princess. It's the life I live behind all that I am. I pretend that I am normal buuut ... yeah, I'm full of surprises. So. That boy. I am such an idiot. I mess up & forget to breathe, & it's dumb. My plan? I am going to paint "Just Breathe" on my hand to remind myself. I am silly. I believe in love & I want it so bad that ... I forget. I forget I barely know him, I forget that I am too serious, & I forget that no guy would ever fall for me this fast, if ever. I fall too fast, I feel too happy too soon & I just end up pushing people away. Goodness. I'm a wreck. You know, I've watched almost a whole season of One Tree Hill in a few days. that's almost 3 hours a DVD & that's 5 DVDs. You do the math.

It's Holy Week. My favorite week of the entire year. A week during which the world is redeemed by our God. How beautiful is that? It's breath taking. PLUS I get to see my kid cousin. He & I are pen pals. I write him letters & his mom sends one back with his response. I love him. He is so cute. We always go up to St. Cloud to my God-Father's house for Easter & one year my cousin & I played tag but we could only run in a circle, so I got fast enough to hide some where & he's just keep running around & around. I love that kid. Who cares if he's a kid? I find him far more refreshing than my girl cousins. The tend to leave me out of stuff a lot. To be honest, it used to bother me, but now it's just kind of pointless. I have more fun with the kids anyways. ;) I can't wait for next Sunday. Maybe that guy'll text me ... who knows? Here's to a beautiful week & to being Redeemed.

The List of Who I Am

I am waiting. I am afraid. I am crying. I am laughing. I am wishing. I am whispering. I am screaming. I am cold. I am burning. I am cowardly. I am kind. I am needy. I am independent. I am messy. I am OCD. I am crazy. I am focused. I am controlled. I am frightened. I am brave. I am organized. I am sitting. I am running. I am singing. I am hiding. I am showing. I am right before your eyes. I am stupid. I am smart. I am foolish. I am cowardly. I am alone. I am surrounded. I am trapped. I am free. I am watching. I am learning. I am hearing. I am clean. I am dirty. I am open. I am locked. I am insistant. I am weak. I am happy. I am angry. I am hurting. I am quiet. I am weeping. I am obnoxious. I am silly. I am inconstant. I am lazy. I am trying. I am listening. I am keeping a secret. I am every where. I am not here. I am liquid. I am solid. I am friendly. I am embracing. I am closed off. I am ill-tempered. I am interesting. I am frightening. I am stressed. I am obsessive. I am possessive. I am feverish. I am tired. I am in pain. I am living. I am dying. I am great. I am horrible. I am young. I am old. I am the best. I am the worst. I am everyone. I am lying. I am honest. I am myself. Now write down all the bold letters.

I feel tired. I danced for the first time today since my surgery & ... well okay not the first time but I mean FULL OUT dancing. Well it was a really hard dance so I'm exhausted. Today is The Day of Silence. Today teens across the nation are silent for all those who are subject to teasing & discrimination. & I know today is only for those who are Gay or Bi-sexual or all those labels for homosexuals, but I think that it's also for all those who have been silent because they too have been teased. Personally, I think this day shouldn't just be about homosexuals, but for everyone. I also know that a lot of people may hate me for seeing today like this, but today isn't supposed to be about the labels. It's about supporting those who have been silent & that means a lot of people, not just that group. I know no one really reads this, so I don't think I'll expand anymore since I've said what I need to say on that subject. I start my sentences all too often with "so". I honestly believe that is the worst transition word, but I use it all the time! Ahhhh study hall. A major waste of my time. Sure I should be doing homework but this room is so completely disgusting, I could never focus. That & I want to watch One Tree Hill like no one's business. I am a fool. & I'm pathetic. That guy? Yeah we were writing & ... I failed. It was pretty bad. Why on earth am I so bad with boys? I am unbelievably amazing with my chick friends but the moment I open my mouth to speak to a guy, I end up making a complete & utter fool of myself. I'm not like other girls. I'm awkward & lame, & HORRIBLE at making conversation. My friends tried to tell me I'm not as awkward as I think I am ... & then roll around laughing at how badly I screw up. This my dear world is why I have been single since middle school. & I know a few people out there would say, "But, Alicia, you broke up with him Freshmen year!" & I would point out that we weren't even really together ever & our relationship really ended the last day of middle school. SPEAK of the Devil, HE GRADUATES THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! For the first time since 7th grade, I will be free of him & his friends. I could cry I'm so happy. You know why we broke up right? Because I thought I'd have a year away from him before he came to my school. But nooo he had to come. I had prepared to be "single" all Freshmen year. When things don't go the way I planned they get complicated & ... yeah. BUT after May 25th I will never have to deal with him again. I'm so happy.

Let This Go

I've just gotta close my eyes & let this go

None of this is my fault

My once upon a time fell apart the moment I did

Every thing's going wrong

But on top of all of this, I want to be okay

So I'm gonna try to let everything go

I've gotta focus & continue on with my life

Continue going to school, work, rehearsal.

Trying to be the perfect girl everyone expects.

Life is playing its games with me but I won't let it.

People are playing games with me.

I will not be used anymore

Either we're friends or we're not.

No flip-flopping around & coming only when you need me.

For so long you've played with my emotions

One moment you love me, the next we're strangers

My life is too fragile to be tossed around like it is.

Don't you see my world crashing down?

Can't you see the pain reflecting in my eyes?

I need to take control, to live for myself

Now is the time to pull myself together

Because if I don't let go, I'll be pulled down.

Help won't be coming, not this time

Trust must be earned, so let's see who cares.

Time will tell what life may bring my way.

All I know is that I'm going to try too hard

On & on & on I'll just keep trying far too hard

You ask too much of a girl you give so little.

Fear of failing, of falling too far.

So you lean on me because you know I'll catch you

And it doesn't matter what I may say

So in the end, I've just gotta let this go.

Send Me to Safety

Send me to a quiet place so I can simply lay my head down

Let the life leave my body, so it can find itself again

Help me to get myself back on to the correct path

Instead of this useless wandering I feel.

Find me a nice spot to lose my pain

Release the tension & the illness I feel daily

I would like to feel my age, instead of 35

When will I no longer feel the pain?

Maybe if I slept for a couple long years.

Could the place be peaceful & serene,

To make up for the many years?

Years spent in stress & chaos of the most horrific kind.

A large bed with tons of pillows & a quilt would be nice

In a cottage somewhere in Northern Minnesota

Deserted & abandoned, where no one can find me.

No one that is, but myself & God

Treat me to a chance to rejuvenate from my life.

To start over, to be reborn.

I hate waking up just as tired as I was before

Pulling myself from the only comfort I have anymore

Each day is a struggle to get through

Constantly treading water, trying to keep my head up

My legs are cramped, my stomach full of water

Dragging me down to the depths of the ocean

Help, I cannot see beyond the dark, please send me home.

Send me to a resting place, where I can roam

Give me time to think, & to whisper to the wind

Alone & apart from everyone else, away from the world

There I'll be safe, there I'll be warm

I'll have time to find myself beneath my mask

There is no place I'd rather spend my time

No better place for a tired, lost girl to find home

Because home is the place a person can rest

& I am in such a need for that kind of home.

One True Love

Hey there, true love, I've been waiting

All these long months, & years, & days.

Wasted away, in anticipation of our meeting

You kept me waiting you know, for far too long

Come on, we have to make up for lost time.

Let's go roller blading & play some lazer tag

Blow bubbles, & write our initials in a chalk drawn heart.

Play tag with me & swing on the tree swing

Talk to me & listen to the echos in the night.

Hold me please & let me fall apart

These time without you have been extremely hard

Don't talk about all the boys who played me in the past

Pretending they don't exist is so much nicer.

Because I've wasted so much time on them,

Why spend time with you on them.

So just take my hand & we'll go somewhere better

A place where no one can find us.

Only there can we leave the past behind & fly.

Now that you're here, now that we are together

I feel like I could fly until forever

You & I, we have nothing to hide.

Please don't leave me, please stay here

Keep this dream alive with the time we have left

Don't be fooled I'm still afraid of you

I want to fall in love with you, but boy I can't

So win me over, show me that you're here to stay

True love, I thought I'd never find you

Wandering down my street,

I looked for something to hold on to.

Please, please don't hurry on your way.

I've waited so long for you to hold my hand

To find the one I'd finally let in.

But this isn't you, you want to be free

I can see you fading away, clouded by my tears on my street.

Here I am again, waiting for my one true love.

Spring

This is my time, the time of spring, when he sun is shining

Wind in my hair, caressing my face,

Mud on the ground, I'm loving the sound

Smells so enticing, the light so inviting

Dear teachers, there'll be no homework today.

Kids in the street laughing

Birds in the trees singing

Kites in the sky flying

Frogs on the ground, leaping around

Just me & the whole entire world.

What is the point of sitting & waiting

For summer to remove the rain

I love the wet & the mud when it rains

Because it's washing away all my sorrow

Tomorrow, tomorrow, summer can come tomorrow

Right now it's spring & this fact will make me sing

No more winter, farewell snow

The sun is out & everything is turning green

Grass is green, trees are green

It's time to pull out the shorts & t-shirts

Sweaters are stuffy & moon boots too tight

Bring out the rain boots & the sun dresses.

Too long they've been inside, now they can come out

Welcome back spring time it's been too long

Now it's my turn to enjoy the cool fresh air

I have waited all year long

All I need is the cool spring breeze

Soothing my pain & stress & calming my nerves

No matter how muddy & rainy it gets

I will always adore the springtime

Spring, it brings new life & takes away the strife

Forever I will love my springtime

& I'll always keep on begging God for more.

I just figured something out, & I wanted you (meaning no one) to be the first to hear it. SO. I'm not as strong as I make myself out to be. But I'm only as weak as I am in that moment. If I am vulnerable, then you can beat me until I am black & blue. But if I'm strong, you can't break me. Soooo yeah. Like right now. If any of my past guys came over right now & yelled at me, I would yell right back, but I'd go back inside & cry. I'm really weak right now. All I really want is to get in a car & drive. Drive to Duluth & jump into the lake & soak in the sun. So. Prom. Or as we call it Finale. I want to go with this guy ... my best friend dreamt it happened ... I want him to ask me so badly I could cry. Okay no that's a lie. But I want him to. But I want it to be special. I've only ben asked one other time & it was during lunch & it was mumbled & I was a freshmen. & he ditched me. & then I got H1 N1. It was bad. I don't want to go alone. But I probably will. Which is okay because I'm doing it for my German friend. She's wonderful. So yeah. Okay now I want company. I'm so bi-polar sometimes.

The Preparation

Who will you prepare to be?

At the end of your time with us what will you do?

I will cry & weep & whisper good-bye

Will you hold me & promise to never let go?

Are you afraid of what I may say to you

How long will it take to make you see who I am?

I am the girl who can laugh even when I cry

This is who I've prepared to be.

College & work, schooling & chores,

These are what we believe builds our character.

But are they really all that they're cracked up to be?

No matter how hard you work, you may still be a grouch.

Life isn't about what you have achieved

It's about who you've made a difference to.

As we sit here thinking of all the things we still haven't done

The time keeps on ticking faster & soon your time will be gone.

Get off your butt, get in the sun

Our lives are worth living to the absolute fullest

Who cares if you don't have tons of money?

Who cares when one day we'll be with God?

Cash doesn't matter, pain doesn't matter

All that matters is that we keep on going

Showing the ones we love they've got someone to lean on.

Who will you be when your time with us is over

What will we think as we lay down to rest

How much will I cry when I've said my last good-bye?

It's up to you, you're the only one who gets to choose.

Because we're all in your hands our hearts wide open to you

Who will ou prepare to be?

I prepared to be me so long ago

You have no time to do what you need to

In order to show the world you have control

So just get up & go.

SO. There's this guy. I kinda really have an on the verge of being REALLY BIG crush on him ... he's so different. Which means that he's like every other guy I've liked ... I tend to like weird guys. He's got me smiling like crazy. Idk ... he just is so sweet. He is very similar to me I think from what we've said ... I don't know him well enough to really judge who he is but I find him extremely attractive & awesome soooo .... we'll see where it goes. I kind of want him to read this blog ... maybe not this message but my poetry. He'll learn so much about me that it would blow his mind. ;) I'm a mess & he really should know that before anything ever happens. I'm scared though. Obviously. I don't know how to flirt AT ALL!!!!!!!! Plus what if I over whelm him with everything. I am PERFECTLY fine with sharing anything & everything with people ... maybe not face to face but I can say it through writing which I know is cowardly but ... I am. I am a coward. I'm afraid. I can admit that to myself & the world. I just don't know what to say & what not to say so I run out of things to say & then I'm sitting there & ... yeah. But he's sweet & awesome. PLUS this crush formed during the winter which means it's not just all the endorphins of Spring. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!! I feel amazing. After my surgery I felt like complete & total crap, but I feel amazing. Seriously. I feel like myself again. Even my mom (of all people) has noticed a difference. Life is good & amazing & I could die a happy person right now. SO heres to boys & food & Spring & to life! ;)

Mistress of Mystery & Princess of Disguise

I am the Mistress of Mystery & Princess of Disguise

Constantly I'm changing, right before your eyes

One day you know me, the next you will not

Never do my fashions stay in one spot

Sometimes I'm short, sometimes I'm the sky

Maybe I'm happy who knows I may cry

Always I'm here, but I look like a doll

Forever I'm changing each Winter, Spring, Summer, & Fall

If you truly knew me, you'd know me again

Because I'll be the same girl who's holding a pen.

Whenever you;ll see me I'll just look away

If it's real, I'll still be in your head at the end of the day.

Tomorrow's a promise that's still yet to come

Tomorrow's the only place I've ever come from.

Yesterday's laughable, but Today is a scare

But at least I know either way I will get there.

Will you remember our very first kiss?

I know I can promise it'll be something I'll miss.

Years will pass, & you'll make me cry

Because eventually you won't see me, even if I were the sky.

I'll transform, from the girl you knew, to the girl I know.

This is my camouflage through sun, rain, & snow

2 years from now, you will not recognize me

I'll be different & the girl you thought you knew, you won't see.

That is my test, to see who really knows who I am

When I change it's to see who will know me from a ham.

I am the Mistress of Mystery & Princess of Disguise

Constantly I'm changing, right before your eyes

One day you'll know me, the next you will not

Never do my fashions stay in one spot

Sometimes I'm short, sometimes I'm the sky

Who knows what will change, I may have a guy

Always I'll be here, though you won't see me at all

Forever I'm changing, each Winter, Spring, Summer, & Fall.

An Ode to Minnesota

Oh Minnesota, how you humor us all,

Bringing on snow before the end of Fall.

How you must laugh as you watch us whimper

At the thought of another long cold Winter.

Your Summers are too short, & Winters too long

Causing us to get out the Christmas stuff & sing along

So by the time Christmas is actually here,

We are sick of all the Holiday cheer.

I wish that we could hibernate like bears

Cosily sleeping in warm beds or chairs.

Oh tricky Minnesota, how you play with our minds

Slicking the roads with perception of too many kinds.

I wonder if it hurts you, when we slip & fall

Once we get inside we yell, "Hot Cocoa for all!"

Can't you make Summer last in some way

Instead of making us shovel each & every day?

I cannot lie, sometimes I despise you

You're constantly grey skys make me so blue

But I do love snowball fights & making snow angels

Plus my favorite carol is Carol of the Bells

So I do love you as well, bringing joyful sounds

The wicked winters bring people to the fire warmed grounds

Oh Minnesota, you often fill us with glee

We wish to make you beautiful so everyone can see

No one can deny that your seasons are beautiful

That's why most will stay here because we are dutiful

You have a ton of wonderful lakes

Over 15,000 for goodness sakes!

Minnesota you plague us with the flu

Along with that here more disease grew.

Bi-Polar your weather, yet sweet are your Springs.

I wake & smile as a birdy sings.

You house illegal immigrants, the Canadian Geese

& in your schools we learn why the plural for moose is not meese.

All too often your wind gives us chills

Making every single one of us wish to run for the hills.

Pleasent are your people with their Minnesota nice

But just watch out if you forget to salt the ice

We Minnesotans are often called quaint

Simply because when we see snow we don't faint.

Honestly there are few as tough as we

We even give out advise absolutely free.

It takes guts to work in the cold

People here keep working even when they're old

SO I'll stay busy this crazy holiday season
& hope that it'll be full of joy beyond reason
I guess through my pride all I'm trying to say
Is ole Minnesota you're okay
Even when you turn our fingers to frost
Or in the woods where we often get lost
Never will we leave you, we won't even try to
Because oh Minnesota, we all adore you.

Let Me

Let me close my eyes, let me fall into oblivion

All these days of constant peril

Let me leave those behind.

Pain has always been a companion

Some one who never goes away

Throughout my childhood & still today pain has stayed.

Behind my smiles the pain is still there.

Let me slip into the background, where no one will miss me.

Slowly sink into the quicksand of time.

There beyond the surface, beyond humanity's reach,

I will disappear, returning to that from which I came.

Wipe the memories everyone has of me & let me fade away.

Because I don't wish to be remembered, for what have I done?

Nothing that deserves recognition nor remembrance.

Let me go, back to the arms I run to.

The arms I was created in, where I'll be kept safe & warm.

Don't let the world hold me back from closure.

In the arms of my Savior I'll rest, free from pain & stress.

Release, ah the sweet release.

I imagine it will feel like a rebirth, that release.

He will take my cross from my back & throw it to Hell,

Where all this pain is fuel to its fires.

Let me float away in a cloud of peace & rest

To a land I have dreamt of all too often.

No one will miss me, they won't care

But from that place I will send them my love & protection

As long as I stay there filled with beauty & love.

So please, let me go, send me away.

Erase all they know of me, let me leave no hole.

There is not much more that I can handle

I'm so sick of this constant pain.

Let me fly, let me soar, let me be free

I long to go home, to a place I'll finally belong & feel released.

What is a Man?

Who needs men, those flighty fickle beings

There are many other things to cause the same feelings

Chocolate for the chemicals

Jogging for breathlessness

A thorn in the side for the pain

Any common place person can lie to you & waste your time away.

Why even bother with silly giggles, & meaningless words?

Save yourself the pain, if he looks at you

Turn & spit in his eye.

Don't let his manly features blind you

Because beneath is a creature that likes to play.

No man wants to be held down

Face-to-face he may commit himself to you

To his friends, you're nothing but a book he's interested in.

Who needs men, those heartless fancy players?

A tree may have no heart, but at least it has a soul

Men? They are less lucky, the best they have is eyes

Poor little men, who feel around blindly

Looking for a feeling they will never feel.

Women have sisters, men just have pals

They don't get to go off & be one of the girls.

Men have no emotion, they are smooth as stone.

Cold as stone, hard as stone, but stone can be broken.

Women are waves of water, flowing & flexing

Wearing down the stone men.

Who needs men, those flighty fickle beings

Because anyone can lie to you

Anyone can waste your time & make you smile

Anyone can hurt you & break your heart

But men, only men can be wore down.

Underneath all those lies & the stone,

Only men (with the help of the right woman) can become something new.