Waiting For You

My phone is still now, no one is trying to reach me,
But I still watch it, waiting for you.
Deep inside I know you won't come back,
But my heart won't ever stop waiting for you.
You once told me you'd always want me,
But here I am waiting for you.
I mean it when I say I'll love you forever,
& I'll be around waiting for you.
Time will pass, seasons will change,
But no matter what, I'm waiting for you.
Others will come & go, leaving behind little messes,
But I won't care because I am waiting for you.
You mean the world to me, with everything we've gone through,
How can I not be waiting for you?
I can change my look or the way I act,
What won't change is my waiting for you.
Remember that picture you put in my wallet?
It's still there because I'm waiting for you.
3 years you waited for me,
Now it's my turn to be waiting for you.
Even if I find someone else,
A part of me will still be waiting for you.
You are the one for me, Handsome,
I can't help but keep waiting for you.
The silence may suffocate me beyond belief,
Until my last breath I'll be waiting for you.
Some things I can't give up on,
You are the one, so I am waiting for you.
Maybe you'll move on to another girl,
I'll pray you're happy & keep waiting for you.
To the edge of the world & the depths of the oceans,
Across all time & space, both here & there,
One thing can be true & it is that I am waiting for you.

Into Thin Air

Look at my face.
Has there ever been a face so hopeful?
My heart is racing, life has finally started!
But I trip on my self confidence,
Reaching out, but no one is there.
So I catch myself, cut my hands & bruise my knees,
Brush myself off & stand up again.
Look at my heart,
Beating so quickly, healthy & happy,
Drumming alongside his in a light hearted tango.
But I stepped on his toes a few too many times,
Reaching out, but he'd already disappeared.
So I catch my half of my heart, all tattered & torn,
Nurture it with love & hope, not missing a step.
Where are the ones who love me?
They vanished into thin air, leaving me behind.
Yet in this thin air I have room to breathe,
My wings have space to stretch in,
& my heart has a place to heal.
Into thin air they may go,
But I could never leave this place.
Riddled with loneliness & heart break,
Thick with disappointment & pain,
It reminds me of who I am & who I will always be.
The rest of the world can come & go,
Soon enough life will look up for me again.
You will look at my face
Hear my heart beat happily,
& everything will start over again.
For now I'll be stumbling & bleeding,
But you know I'll find a reason to go on.
A purpose, a mission, a love, a dream,
& the love, hope, peace, & happiness will never disappear into thin air.

Update on the Past Few Months

Hey guys!
So remember that post about how everyone used to have blogs?
Well I have 2 others so ... Am I a hypocrite? Yes.
Well let's see, I wasted a whole summer, fell even more in love & a week & four days ago, Mr. Messy Pants told me he wasn't in love with me anymore.
Boom. & it was over.
I've been trying to play it cool, I've been able to convince myself I don't care ...
Until I read words that he wrote himself, words I can hear him say, & it cuts me. SO deep.
But I am going to be okay.
Because my writing is back!
Finally. I have no idea where it went, but I'm glad it's back.
I've been writing to fix what's broken.
So here it comes, my come back. It feels so good to be able to say what I've been feeling without having to deal with the fact that everyone knows how pathetic I am, ESPECIALLY him. Because he's moving on already, & I am stuck here, like always. You know, this is what happens to me every time.
Last time, Mr. Messy Pants moved on & I was stuck in the worst time of the year to fix myself with what little I have left.
Let's hope that this time will be different, this time I will have a way to get out of my head & out into the beautiful world that God has blessed me with.
Are you ready yet?
Here it goes.

You know, blogs used to be a fad. When I started this one, that was the lastest thing ... Now, no one ever goes on these. Then again, no one ever calls someone anymore, they don't do a lot of things anymore. But you know, that's kind of what I do, I continue doing what I've always done. I start something & I stick with it, none of that flip-flopping for me. Because if I do that, then I lose my mind. Obviously it's debatable how much mind I have left to lose ... but that's okay. Life is good, I'll put up pictures of my most recent endeavors ... I do need to post my writings too ... I have a lot on my plate right now so I should be off, but I will post again soon!

Love

You know, love is an odd entity. It lives, it breathes, it kills, it resurrects, it dies, it heals, & it breaks. I love many. Some may say too many. I love those who have hurt me most, I love those who have broken me, & I love those who hate me. You see, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I've run myself ragged & may die. Just kidding. ANYWAYS You know that thing I was hinting at? Well it was that I'm in love, which I am so now that that's out in the open, I can't really hold myself back ... That seems to be happening a lot. Well, I'm an idiot, as always, BUT I'm watching Pride & Prejudice right now & am going through all the boxes of pictures we have for ones of me for my graduation party which is in a few weeks. I went to 3 today, I am dying. Fluff. I need a shower. BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY WANTED TO KNOW THAT!!! ... Sorry, I'm doing 5 things at once. Tomorrow I SWEAR my life will begin. HONEST!!!

Perplexing ...

Have you ever been sick of someone, but without them you have a hole in your heart? I just want to curl up with him ... nothing else. Hmmm ... life. I suppose this is what happens when you grow up ... I'm not sure if I like it ...
Oh, by the way, yes I am a live ... as if anyone cared. ;) Just been busy. Graduated from high school, went to prom, became obsessed with Sherlock, & failed at life. You know, the usual. There's something else too, but I can't really say it out loud publicly yet ... I mean ... We said it ... at about 1:10 am on Friday the 25th of May 2012 ... but ... it's complicated.
Well, just thought I'd let you know that I am back & have WAY too much to upload on to this wonderful blog so thus, I will have my hands full.

There You Go Again

There you go again, lecturing me like always,
Why do you always pull that card?
It gets so old & boring & insulting.
Maybe the way you work isn't the way you work.
I do what you say & maybe sometimes have an attitude, but you would too.
Don't tell me about when you were young
You would NEVER have done that,
Well I know you did because you're human,
Just like everyone else.
You're not perfect,
You're not special,
You're just like me & every other teenager you talk about.
There you go again,
Getting in my face as if you have a right
To demand I tell you how I'm feeling.
If I don't feel like telling you all I feel or think,
I don't see what the problem is!
You would never tell me what is going on,
So why can't I keep to myself?
I find it really rude & disrespectful, but as if you cared.
No matter what you may say to me, you rarely respect me.
Feeding me, keeping a roof over my head,
Getting me new clothes, & sending me to a good school,
That's not respecting me, it's doing your job as a parent.
You made me so it's your job to take care of me the best you can.
There you go again,
Not even listening.
Sometimes you listen but you never EVER hear me.
It goes in one ear, maybe detours to the mind,
Then to the heart, then it goes out the other ear & nothing ever happens.
I'm so sick of that happening.
I try my best, I do what I can,
You know that it's true
But I feel like every new day is another long list of stuff to do for you.
There you go again,
Up go those walls, now it doesn't matter.

I wrote this freshman year, if you couldn't tell. I couldn't spell to save my life & my grammer was AWFUL!!! But I fixed it in a way to make it true to its original form & not painful to read. ANGST! Oh well. Some of it is still true, but there's more there now.

What I Want In a Guy

What I want in a guy is love. A love for God above all, then for me, then for the rest of the world. He would love me in an innocent & sincere way, never pushing me in any way.  He'd listen to me & put all before himself.  His touch would electrify me every single time. He'd go out of his way to make me feel loved & special. He'd know all that I feel & help me through it. We'd be close, (living wise & friendship wise). My family would love him, & he'd always be kind, loving, & polite. He'd be perfect. He'd have dreams that were beautiful & he's help me be a better person. I'd be the same for him. Church would be amazing, holding his hand, praying with him, praising God for all that we have. I'd never want to let him go. He would be my best friend, my true companion. I could tease him, he could tease me, he'd love kids. He'd sing & dance. He'd be amazing, wonderful, perfect. He'd be the answer to all my prayers, & everything I've asked for. He'd be a good cook & he'd talk & sing & be silly all the while. If I made a mistake he'd laugh it off with me. When we get fights, he wouldn't cave in if he was right. I'd try my best to be perfect for him even though I wouldn't deserve him. But he'd love me for me. He'd love my siblings & my parents. He'd show me a world I never knew was there. We'd walk side by side through all the trials & tests. We'd walk through life together forever & we'd last the problems & troubles. He'd be mine forever, & I'd be his. God would be at our center & we'd keep it that way. In His light we'd walk & every night we'd pray to thank Him for giving us life. I know this guy sounds too good to be true & I'm betting he is, but I can dream for him & who knows? One day I might find him.

I wrote this Spring of 2009, listing off what I want in a life partner, & it's eye opening to look around & see that the world doesn't seem to make there kinds of guys anymore. That's no slight on my boyfriend because he means the world to me, but no man is this perfect, not even my dashing detective.

Look at me, I'm nothing special. There's nothing extraordinary about me. I'm so old & yet so young, at peace yet always at war. Walk by me, hear me singing a song, see my walking along, trying to live a right life. Don't judge me, we all have our misgivings, mine just happen to be larger. Look at me, I'm so silly, just a lost girl, trying so hard to break free from the pain I feel. The world changes around me as I try so hard to breathe, to keep my head above water. Sometimes I feel myself fade away. But I get back on my feet & go on. No one can stop me, I'm wiser now, I know so much more than I used to. This is my own life & I'm not going to let any dumb boy get in the way. God, You can hear me, You feel my pain & You wash it away. With You I know I can go on. If I fall, You'll pick me back up again, You'll keep me going when I no longer feel I can. Lord, Your faith is all I nee, not only now, but forever. When I fade away from these words, God, call me back to You. I fi do not hear, You will continue to call, & once I do hear, You'll welcome me back in open arms, & I'll know that I'm home. Look at me, I'm just like any other girl. I get lost, I fall, I forget, I stray so far from those I love I can barely hear them anymore, but I go back to them & they still love me.

The Leap of Faith

Here it goes, I'm ready ... I think
I take one step & then another
I leap off the ledge, life flashes before me.
Suddenly, I'm flying
Yeah that's right not falling, flying
This is the leap of faith
If we all believe we're going to die, obviously we will
But I believe that I still have life in me, so here I am
I don't know what to tell my parents
They'll be freaking out once I come back down
No words can explain why I did it, no words ever could
I don't care how it happened & I doubt I ever will
There are just things in life, that you've just gotta do
No amount of preparation can get you ready
You take one step, & then another
Then suddenly your free
No laws can control you
No rules to stop you from being who you are
That is, if you believe you can fly.
If you jump & deep down you know you're going to die
There will be no rush, no freedom.
Down you fall, chains go around your wrists
You sink into the current, & become a robot with all these people
The people who don't believe in life, who want to hide in the crowds.
They don't know how to live, how to move on.
They take a shaky step, then another
They fall & they have no one to catch them
Simply because they don't believe, no one can help them.
One day I'll take his hand & we'll run & leap
We'll fly forever, until we must go home maybe together, maybe apart
We'll believe in life & live it everyday
No laws, no rules, just us & a big blue sky
Watching others everyday make that leap
The leap into the unknown with belief that will carry them
Carry them into the sky where they fly, first to test their wings
Then they stay forever, that's all it takes
Just one simple leap of faith.

Falling Down

Falling down like raindrops are teardrops.
1 day after another nothing happening, well not much.
Falling down like rain, tears comfort my soul.
In my mind there are big black clouds.
Why did I take that move 'cause all that is happening
Now is I'm falling, falling down into darkness.
Why did he trip me? Or did I fall for him?
Either way I'm hurting really bad.
Falling down way into darkness blinking back tears.
He played with my heart no doubt about it but it hurts to be played.
Which way to go I don't know who to trust.
I thought I could trust him but it's plain to see he's not a person I can lean on.
Why can't I let him go?!
It just goes to show love ain't meant for me, no!
Is this guy for me no, I don't think so.
If he is I still won't give him a chance.
I won't give in so easy this time if he's mine he'll sure have to prove it.
I'm no one's girl no way, no how
But if I'm gonna be me how am I supposed to do that if he's taken my life away?!?

I wrote this when I was waiting for Logan to get back to me on whether or not he liked me too. I was such a mess about the whole thing & worried about it. He made me wait 2 days which is fine, but it felt like forever. & that was when our year long on & off relationship began. Oh how glad I am that that is over.

His Last Words

Last thing he said to me, was that I was beautiful, ever so beautiful, unchangingly beautiful. These last few words he said I was beautiful & "I love you". Then he turned away & walked away, leaving me alone. He left without letting me know what he meant, without me knowing how he felt. I knew I was taken , I knew that it wouldn't have been right, but I realized that the way he felt was kind of the same way I felt & it was how I'd always felt. The last thing he said to me & I remember it still today, was that he thought I was beautiful & that he loved me. Every time I remember those last last words, I feel my heart sinking so deep off to where those memories sleep & as it rests at the bottom it awakens all of the memories that I'd tried to forget, but it hadn't worked. Often times I would pretend that we'd only been friends but even I can't persuade myself that that's all we'd been. But it wasn't. We'd shared a kind of connection that we hadn't even noticed, hadn't even suspected until that last good-bye. The last thing he said to me to me was that I was beautiful, ever so beautiful, unchangingly beautiful. Those last few words he said, was that I was beautiful & "I love you". How could I have not noticed what had happened between us? Could I have not noticed when we'd gotten so close? His last words always hurt me, how he'd thought I was beautiful.

I think I wrote this during my freshman year of high school. I can remember writing it, but not the emotions behind it. I was sitting in study hall ... I think I may have made it up. Who knows?

I Forget

I forget what you said

I forget it all

I forget that you're my friend now

I forget who I am

Nothing makes any sense

Not since you came back

Life was so perfect & now you're here

So now I'm confused!

I forget that I'm free

I forget to breathe

I forget everything

I forget I'm me

It never was easy to smile at you

But now it's even harder

I try to keep going ...
It's really not working.

I forget all that I know

I forget where I must go

I forget what's in my head

I forget I'm alive

No where to go

Nothing to say

Nothing to live for

But I'll find a way

I forget what your love means

I forget what to do

I forget all that's happening

I forget I love you

Nothing was easy

Nothing was nice

No one to turn to

No one but Christ

I forget to breathe & I forget that I'm me.

It slips my mind why I wrote this. I can't even remember when I wrote it. Oh well, I still like it. ;)

Let me Breathe

You locked me up

& then you threw away the key

I can't get out or get away

What was your point in hiding me?

Don't you know they'll come find me?

Let me breathe & let me go

You never knew how much you meant to me

I guess this is what I get for caring

Thinking that I really had a chance

What in the world was I thinking?

Silly girl, it's a wonder he even came

Why did I even try to be his?

He wasted my time & I wasted his.

Let me breathe, please I can't last!

I'm trying to live but it's out of my hands

I let go of all my life

& this is what I get in return

A broken heart, a blue face?

God send me Your grace

Because if I go any longer

I don't think I'll live.

You led me down a hallway

Into a room where you locked me up

& then threw away the key.

Don't you know they'll find me?

So Let Me Breathe & let me go.

I wrote this for Logan during one of our break ups. I can't remember which one. But I love this poem. A lot.

Miss Me

When you look out your window & you see the stars, do you think of me?

If you were never to see me again, would you miss me?

When the time comes for us to say good-bye, I want to be able to say I loved you for all that you are.

Do you feel the same way?

If we crash & burn will we still be friends? I hope so.

I've given you my heart & please don't break it in a mean way.

I want you to know I'll never hurt you.

I've waited too long for this chance to throw it away.

When we're apart I miss you & I hope you miss me too.

This is an interesting poem ... I don't remember writing it at all. It really opened my eyes as I retyped it. How can I promise not to hurt him? I know now that that is a promise I could never have kept. It was for Logan, I know that. It's funny how all the things I hoped wouldn't happen, happened. I hurt him, he broke my heart, & we were never friends. He pretended as if we'd never met, & eventually I played along.

Clouds Below

the world looks like a blanket of snow

But it's just clouds

The term walking on clouds

Seems so real

But it means to have no cares

& that couldn't be any less true.

I'm on my way to Italy,

A crush I have is unknown

Plus my friends think everything is coming together

That him & I are gonna work

Hopefully this trip will get my mind off him

Because he'll just ruin it!

Don't get me wrong

I like him a lot it's just that

This is a trip of a lifetime

& I can think of him anytime!

Below the clouds are small people

So small you can't see them

Think about the people up there somewhere

Think about us, so small

So insignificant yet we're so scared

Scared of each other

I never finished this poem either. Obviously I was in the airplane on my way to Italy as I wrote this. I felt so flustered & the trip was such a mess that I could never form the right words for the feeling I had when I looked out that window. I was in 8th grade & it was right before Christmas. Logan had broken my heart & started dating my friend & then they broke up & everyone told me he liked me again ... it was a dramatic mess. Thank goodness it's over, & he's gone.

Close My Eyes

Close my eyes

Make a wish

Blow a kiss to the sky

Life keeps passing me by but no more

Close my eyes

Stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks

I can't stop them anymore

Hold me tight & all will be right again.

If my world is upside down

Could you help me turn it around?

Close my eyes

Give me a sense of security

No life has to be bad

I really don't want to be sad

So put a smile back on my face.

Close my eyes

Put me to sleep

Get death out of my mind

Now I can finally weep

I chose right for you are so kind.

I never finished this poem, but middle school was a really hard time for me emotionally, if you couldn't tell. ;) I went through so much & since I wrote about 10 poems a day, they all were pretty depressing. I hadn't realized that. Oops.

The Crossing Places

I stand here wondering & waiting.
Will you ever answer my question
Or will it be left unspoken?
DO you do this to torture me?
I'm at the crossing places.
Should I move on or wait for an answer?
You don't know how badly I want to know.
When will you tell me?
Could my life get any more complicated?

I'm stuck at the crossing places

No where to go, nothing to do

Nothing but wait for you

DO YOU LIKE ME

Or should I go on?

Just get me out of

The crossing places.

Can't decide which is worse

Waiting, & getting more & more hurt,

Or moving on & hurting you

But now I don't think I could move on.

The crossing places

Decisions I don't want to make

Pop-up out of no where for me

You torture my heart & soul

So God help me get out of

The crossing places.

I'm being swallowed by tears.

help me someone before I fall.

I just can't take this anymore!

When will this all just end?

I stand here wondering & waiting

Will you ever answer my question

Or will you leave it unspoken?

I'm at the crossing places & I want out!

I remember this clearly. I had told Logan I liked him & asked him if he liked me & he said he needed to think about it. It felt like forever, & I was DYING! ... if you couldn't tell. It's so dramatic, but that's exactly how I remember feeling. Even right now, my stomach is all twisted with anxiety. Life is such a silly thing.

I Open My Eyes

I close my eyes so weary.

Tired, down, upset.

Hating myself, hating the world

With for something really new

Wishing to let go

Letting go of everything

Everything but you

I'm sore, I'm sick,

Lost & let down

Yet here I am trying to sleep

But my mind will not calm.

Nothing, nothing, sleep, sleep, sleep .....

I open my eyes alive!

Thinking about all of you,

Wanting to see you, hug you,

Make you laugh like always! ;)

But you're thousands of years & miles away,

Or so it seems

So I'll let that all go.

I'll let him go, you go

But then I won't have to.

Even now I think of you & smile

Because that's what you do to me.

I see all I see

& wish you were here to see it too

but I'll click it & give it to you

Along with your presents for being my smile.

Some days are hard

But I will survive because even though it hurts.

I open my eyes

To a brand new day.

I can't remember why I wrote this poem. I know I was in middle school, but it could have been a poem to all my elementary school friends, or it could be during intersession when I wasn't at school ... either way, I still feel this entire poem. I can hear myself saying all these things while I wait for normal school to start back up.

For You (For ALL my friends)

For you

I'd lay down my life

Yes that's what I'd do for a friend.

I love you with all my heart

You are more family than mine

You are more than part of this world

You are all I care about now.

For you

I'd fall to my death

So that you could have one more day

A day more in this beautiful world

You are more than a grain of sand on a beach

You are my life now & forever

For you

I'd give up my breath

for you to breathe in the air of life

Life would be nothing without you

Without you I couldn't be happy

You are more than a person in this community

You are the smile on my face

For you

I'd go around the world

Just to find the cure

That makes you so upset

& return that smile to your face

You are more that just some human.

You are the shine in my eyes.

For you I'd die a thousand deaths

So that you could be happy forever

For I love you with all my heart

You are my star in the sky

For you are all the joy in my life.

I wrote this for an old friend of mine. Her father was supposed to come to America from Africa, but for some reason there was trouble & he had to go back. She broke down in the middle of rehearsal for a show & I let her cry on my shoulder. This was in middle school. I wrote it for her, but for all my friends & it still applies. Even to all the people I've lost touch with.

Lost In The Music

I sit here looking at you

The music plays along with you

I listen, I look but life doesn't make sense

& you don't notice I exist.

My heart beats faster & faster

But you look the other way

I'm left behind & I'm

Lost in the music

No where to really go

Nothing to do, but long to know

& I want to ask but I'm so scared

Think you might but I'm so teared

I guess I'll find a way out

But I'm just so so so

Lost in the music

There's nothing I can do

Not when I get caught up in this

Your voice is the only one I hear

When I see you all around

I can't let go of the end

Now all I want to do is be your friend

I can't go anywhere because I'm

Lost in the music

Always held back by the past

I can't go on about us

But you have & I don't know what to do!

Can't get out, something keeps me here

You don't tell me anyway, so nothing is clear

I've got to go on, but life won't let me

All I want to do is cry

Because you don't care for me anymore.

But I can't move on because I'm

Lost In The Music.

This was written in middle school, probably during one of Logan & I's many break ups. It's funny, but I really haven't changed. I sit around & wait for guys to come back. I know it's the human thing to do but ... You'd think after being single for 3 years & seeing all my friends go through their own relationships, I'd have learned SOMETHING. But I really haven't.

Rain Wash Me Away

I'm looking up at that sky
Clouds over my beautiful sun
Everyone else runs for shelter
Now I'm all alone & I cry

Rain wash me away

Overflow & push my body

Somewhere safe from care & rules

Never ever ever stop

Just pour pour pour!

You look at me & then away

& I've got something I want to say

But you walk on & on.

Like I even matter to you anymore?

Rain wash me away

Make me forget the one

The one who made me feel great

Erase my mine & let me start anew!

Love, you didn't do right by me

But the rain sure feels good on my skin

Even now I think of him,

His smile, his face, his charm

Nothing I do can ever make me forget

At least anytime soon!

Rain wash me away

I know you won't toy with my emotions

You can wash ma free from him

& the love I so long to have

But even when I start to move on

Someone gives me fake hope

I fall for it every time

Each time it hurts more & more

Rain & wind you understand me so

Rain Wash Me Away!!!!!

I wrote this in middle school over Logan. When I reread all of these, it's funny to think that they can apply to so many of the males in my life. Heck, in any teenagers lives. We always are going around & around in circles. We are a bunch of silly people, living in a silly world.