Hope

A hand, pale, & cold,
Reaching into the gloomy night
Though you can't see her, there is a girl.
It is her hand blindly groping the empty space.
Before her is a heart, fluttering rapidly
Slowly it slips out of her grasp
Floating away through the frosty mist
Her eyes widen, pupils growing large
What was happening to her delicate heart?
Far beyond the frame is a boy
Nothing can be done as his hands open
Clean palms, bare skin, kind & gentle.
The heart has set sail for his coordinates
He is so warm, so restful, so comfy.
But the girl didn't know how it could have happened,
Locked away, far from view
Safe & sound was the heart, her heart.
The past few years had been so hard
Cold, hard, & sad years
Underneath it all, she was just scared
Soft & easily broken.
How could she have let it escape?
But the heart knows something she never knew.
It carries with it, a secret.
No matter how far that frozen hand may reach,
She has no control now.
All she can do is fall.
Perhaps she will be right & break upon impact
Or she will be wrong & that's the scariest part.
Maybe he will catch her.
That's the secret the heart carries.
Because beyond this picture,
There is hope.

Written: January 30th, 2012.

Messes

You are a mess.
I am a mess.
We are a mess.
Everyday I wait for your text,
Assuring me that you care,
But it never does, it just makes me confused.
This can't be one sided.
Please don't let this be one sided.
Can it be coincidence that this is still here?
After 3 years, we keep coming back to each other?
What does it mean?!
In my closet is a folder
Full of letters I used to write you
& the pictures you used to draw me.
One day I promised not to write anymore
But all I want to do is talk to you.
You won't let me inside your head.
I can still see that look on your face
Still feel the warmth of your hand
Why can't you always be that way?
That boy is the one I want
He makes my heart soar.
We don't have to be complicated.
If there is something holding you back, tell me.
I'm stupid.
I know I'm stupid.
Clingy & pathetic & stupid.
Not lovable, not attractive, just stupid.
So are you.
Do you like me, or don't you?
Because I can love your stupidity.
My arms & hands & heart could love stupid.
As long as I knew it was my stupid.
We are a mess,
Just the two of us.
Your messiness is ever so compelling.
I've dwelt on it many a day & night
Laughed about it & cried about it.
I want a part of your messiness.
Not to change it, but to live it
Even if it makes me a bit more messy.
Believe me, there is nothing I'd like more.
After all this time, to be yours & you be mine.
To have your hands to hold & your lips to kiss,
Would be many a dream come true
Yes, it's cliche & yes, it's cheesy,
Life is a cliche, & it is almost always cheesy
Maybe that is to help the rest to find their way
We don't have much time, for it is running out
In a few months we'll graduate
God only knows what will happen then
But I can't go without knowing
Knowing that we had a chance to be together
Together,
Doesn't that sound wonderful?
Like a long awaited homecoming.
Let us together be a mess
A jumble of laughter, music, & love.
Happiness & wonder tangled into one big knot.
We are a mess of mixed messages,
A terrible, horrible, no good very bad mess.
Please be my mess,
I promise to be yours
We could be the best mess.
Together we can be one happy mess.

I wrote this January 3rd, 2012. I wrote it for the boy I thought was the one. What's funny is that he didn't want to be with me if I was going to end it once college started & ... that's what he did. Oh well, the past is the past, life has moved on for the better, & I am happy. It's true I will always love him, but I can breathe again without him & honestly, that's all I can ask for.

The Way It Is

I can still see that look on your face
That unbelievable spark in your eyes
I can still feel your arms wrapped around me
& my heart skips a beat.
To be honest, I never could tell a good lie
So I really must say I'm crushing
Don't imagine that this could be easy to say
Because I am so scared right now.
Who knew that this would happen?
That we'd just keep circling around?
Honestly I thought I would not feel this way
Yet here we are right now.
My stomach is filled with so many butterflies
Each one as restless as I
But I have to hold back, I really can't fall.
This has happened before & I just couldn't breathe
Up go the walls, to shield me from you.
It hurts but it's what I must do now
All too often I jump into all of that drama
I cannot get hurt, I must be together
That's why I could not look in your eyes.
That is my secret.
Because if I looked into them I know what I'd find
The boy of my dreams in those deep deep eyes
My heart would just crumble, the walls would decay.
Naked.
I would be completely exposed
Past experiences tell me that would be stupid
So I hide from your handsome face
Even still, my mind can't help but remember
That look in your eyes & I miss you
I long for your arms
The smell of you just makes me swoon
You've got me, though I really don't know how
Yet here we are.
I've been lying to myself for almost 4 years,
Lied about how the sight of you makes me feel.
No matter how I've tried,
You get to me, you get right under my skin,
Making my heart do jumping jacks,
While my stomach does somersaults.
So please just ask me to be yours,
Do all you can to see me again.
Because you're everywhere,
You always have been,
I just couldn't admit it to myself.
There isn't time to waste,
Please, please stay awhile,
& be careful with my heart.
Now I know, this is how it's been.
Let it be the way it is.

The Road Must End

It is the end.
This long path just keeps on going,
But I cannot, not anymore.
Maybe the end is nearer than I believe,
My eyes cannot see whether or not you care.
Whether or not doesn't matter now because I'm done.
I need someone.
I've waited almost 3 whole years.
My hand just needs to be held,
My heart needs to be captured,
I know that I'm a fool, but I want you.
You will never know, I will never tell,
Nothing that I feel will ever be known.
Child I know I am, youthful in my mind,
Simple & not treasured, you would never want me,
They never do, not him & not you.
It is the end.
By now I've lost all hope,
& yet inside your eyes, I see something more.
I wish that you may find the same in mine,
Something here for you, something that is true.
Man I know you are, that is not what I want.
All I want is your heart & your arms with your hands,
For my hand is feeling cold & it is yours to hold.
Please make this the end.
Waiting all the time,
It's getting hard to find the hope that everyone has.
Fools are all I've known, all that I have loved,
Making my heart break for those who don't deserve it.
I put my shields up, but your smile breaks right through.
The world will never know my care for you.
I'm coming to the end of being just a friend,
I want to be held & to be held by you.

I wrote this Fall of 2011, for a boy I knew in the musical I was in. I originally wasn't going to post this, but a few months ago, the same boy died. I don't know why or from what, but obviously you can imagine the agony that pulsed through my veins when I found out. He was the most amazing boy, he spoke Russian & he was so funny & such a great singer. Maybe it was just because he was my show crush, but he was perfect. I still can't believe he's gone. R. I. P. Alex Solberg.

My Final Goodbye

This is it, my love.
My final goodbye.
I have loved you, beyond all reason,
But now it's time to leave all that behind.
I've stopped counting the months & weeks & days,
I've stopped needing you by my side.
Without even noticing I've begun to move on,
No, this does not mean I've stopped loving you,
I doubt that will ever go away.
However, I don't need you.
Be happy, Handsome.
That's all I am asking of you.
Be happy, & never forget our love.
I hope you savor our days as I do,
Drink my final gift to you, & know only this.
At the end of the day, my heart still beats only for you.

Trying

She lays in bed, trying to sleep.
But she can't.
No one can feel how hard this is.
A love she's given up, but won't go away,
A sadness deeper than she can even realize,
A life she's expected to plan out,
A world she wants to have the chance to explore.
It's all out there & she has no way of reaching it.
At least, not the way she sees it.
She's trying.
Not as well as she'd like to, but she is.
But no one tells her it's okay.
Instead they take advantage of her.
So she lays in bed, trying to sleep.
But she can't.
She is naked, everything she has can be taken from her.
Every attempt she makes at freedom, she is shot down,
Every moment of joy, is met with a day of despair,
Every step forward, she is forced back three,
Every assertion, crushed by the word, "Cannot".
There is strength inside her, but no one is there to encourage her.
At least not those who hold the most esteem in her life.
They try.
In all the wrong ways, but they try.
But they only make things worse.
Instead it forces her further into her isolation.
So she lays in bed, trying not to sleep.
But she must.
She is sheltered there, away from the forceful words & stress.
When the rest of her world is sleeping, she is awake.
When she is sleeping, the rest of her world is awake.
When the rest of her world is working, she is dreaming.
When she is working, the rest of her world is dreaming.
How can she go on this way?
No one knows, but she will.
Until the day when her burden is lighter,
Until the day her love for him hurts less,
Until the day she awakes from her slumber,
She will stay in isolation,
Waiting for her pain to change into strength.
She is trying.

I Can't

I can't do this.
I can't go through all of this again,
I just flat out can't.
There are things that are best left alone,
Personally I think this is one of those things.
I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
Can you believe there's such a difference?
This may sound selfish, but I want you to like me.
Not because I like you (I don't think),
But because it makes me feel special.
I hate thinking this, but it's the truth.
Who knows if one day we'll end up together?
For now, I just don't want to think about it.
Maybe I want you to like me because then you'll actually talk,
Then it actually seems like we're friends.
You are a wonderful guy & I wish you well,
But you've got to see it from my point of view.
I can't date & honestly, right now I don't want to.
Please let me find my place of peace for now.
Let's be best friends like we were for so long,
Then once I'm 16 we can start thinking about this.
I know it's hard & I never wished it to be this way.
Give me a chance to breathe, a chance to think,
Because all of that drama is stressful.
Don't think I'm blowing you off because I'm not,
That's the last thing I want to do to you.
So understand that I'm just putting it on a shelf,
Because I can't do this.
I can't go through all of that again,
I just flat out can't.
Not because I don't want to, but because I'm just not ready.
There are things that are best left alone for awhile,
Personally, I think this is one of those things.

Searching In The Woods

I was walking frantically through the woods, trying to find something. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, maybe myself, maybe a long lost friend. There comes a time while we are looking when we just stop looking. Not because we're tired or bored, but just because. The funny thing is that during the time you stop, you usually find what you're looking for. So I stopped & just sat on the ground. I simply listened to what was going on around me. After awhile, I felt lonely so I spoke. I talked to the tree that towered over me, & it seemed to listen. I sat & told the tree about my friends. I told it about my home life & how much I was looking forward to leaving. For so long I just spoke, it just listened & it was simple. Maybe none of us are supposed to find what we're looking for, maybe that something is meant to find us.

Doubt

"The doubting poet spends so much of his time wondering if he should be more sure of himself, that he no longer composes anything, let alone himself." - Peter Blue Cloud
Doubt is the seed of confusion.
Once the seed is planted, everything is in disarray.
But the sun will shine & life will continue.
The rain will fall & the seed will grow
Then it breaks through the surface,
It will branch out.
On one side will be the doubt that leads to good,
Then will come the doubt that tears you apart,
Right in the middle is life,
A path that is the center of all things.
You can become that person who doubts everything,
Or the person who couldn't care less.
I want to be the girl who couldn't care less,
To be able to hear the words of doubt & make note.
But in the long run, unless good doubt, it'll roll off,
Like rain off a window.
Because if you take every little bit of doubt
You fall apart, because nothing is right.
Every move you make is the wrong one.
Sometimes we need to ignore the doubt,
& make way for the confidence we need.
For everyday is a new beginning.
So take that road of positivity,
& ride it to the sunset.

I Can See You Now

I can see you now,
Alone in your room
Lonely without me & I without you.
No one to make me feel safe.
Without you I feel cold
As if I have the chills & beginning to fold.
I miss seeing your face break into a smile,
It's been less than a day, but it feels like awhile.
How did you do this, you got under my skin?
You took away my shields, so I'm here to begin.
I can see you now,
The way that you laugh at me,
When I act too silly.
Did you know that I like you,
Much more than I should?
You're constantly on my mind
I'd shut you out if I could.
It's so distracting to have you in my head.
School is demanding & I need to relax,
& when I'm around you, I kind of freak out.
I can see you now,
& the image gives me butterflies.
My face begins to smile without my consent.
You are the first guy I let in completely in a long time,
It scares me to death to put my heart on the line.
So if I run away & curl up to hide
It's because I don't want a roller coaster ride.
Remember that I'm stupid & ridiculous,
Constantly chasing my own tail.
Be patient with me, for I am with you,
Desperately in like with you.
I can see you now,
& it's everything I've ever wanted.

The Fool

I can hardly believe it,
That I'm playing the fool.
For the past few years I've been all logic,
Now I'm just full of bliss,
Everything is sunshine & roses,
But even still, I'm nervous for this.
My past hasn't been filled with romance,
As a matter of fact, it's been 3 years.
Trust was never my strong suit,
But I'll put it on for you.
Here I am, I've let down my defenses,
Out in the open, you can see all of me.
Do not hurt me, please I beg you.
All I want is for this to last forever,
Just sit in your arms.
We both have baggage, so I'll leave mine at the door.
You're under my skin, keeping me safe,
Let me in & I will guard you.
See me as I am when I'm with you.
Plain as day, you'll know I'm the fool,
Quietly sustained in happiness.
Do you feel the same way?
I love to see that smile light up your face.
When I'm alone, all I can do is picture you,
& my happy smiles can't be repressed.
He never made me feel safe the way you do,
Not even for a second.
My friends are surprised by my silly smiles,
Time drags when we're apart.
Flushed cheeks, bright eyes, & a smile
Are all I see when I look in the mirror,
Like a face I can't recognize, the face of a fool.
But when I look closer, I realize I'm the fool.

Let Me Be

I just have one thing to say,
Let me be.
Honestly, every time I turn, you're right there.
Well, almost every time.
You're not there when you need to be.
Sometimes I wonder how you think.
For so long you push me away,
Then you get upset when I'm not close to you.
Let me be.
If you're not going to be a parent, go away.
You have NO idea how hard it is
To have your parent on top of you
A parent who tells you all the time that life isn't fair.
You just don't get it, you just can't see,
This whole time it's been you pushing me.
Let me be.
Find someone else to take your anger out on.
I'm so sick of being verbally abused.
Why don't you relax?!
Life isn't fair as you constantly tell me,
Could you walk the walk instead of a hypocrite?
You just don't get how stressful my life is too.
Let me be.
The thing is, you don't even know me.
Constantly you act like I'm evil,
But you never take the time to really get to know me.
When you try, you yell & demand I let you in.
Just take a break, count to ten
Start this whole thing over,
Let me be.
I want to forgive you, for all the hateful things you've said,
But it just gets harder
You have no idea what it's like to be me.
Don't pretend to know me & let me be.

I Still ...

I still feel him.
His racing heart,
His fiery touch,
His prickly chin,
His smooth skin.
I still love him.
His beautiful eyes,
His passionate heart,
His electric smile,
His fierce soul.
I still hear him.
His deep deep voice,
His soothing tone,
His words so piercing,
His anger red hot.
I still need him.
His love so true,
His presence supportive,
His arms inviting,
His intensity.
I still taste him.
His salty sweat,
His sweet kiss,
His sleepy drool,
His awful sick.
I still want him.
His big hands,
His perfect lips,
His broad chest,
His muscular jaw.
I still smell him.
His addictive popcorn,
His light cologne,
His cozy chest,
His entire home.
I'll always miss him.
I'll always feel him.
I'll always need him.
I'll always love him.

Get It

You just don't get it.
After all we've been through, you still don't get it.
The moment our friendship was created
That was the moment you decided.
Make the decision again, I'm giving you this chance.
Here's your chance to get rid of me forever.
Do you want me or not?
A simple yes or no question,
But even now you don't get it.
You put yourself in my life
You can't just take yourself out.
You don't get it!
I need you & if you don't want me just tell me.
Just say the magic words & I'm gone.
Pain isn't new to me, it's a part of life.
I'm willing to disappear from your life,
That is if that's what you want.
Please make a decision.
Life is meant to do this, this is what happens,
So why don't you get it?!?
I've sat here, your friend this whole time
I think the world of you, stop putting yourself down.
Maybe I should just disappear off the face of the planet,
Then maybe you'd figure this out.
Do you need me in your life the way I need you in mine?
Because if you don't, just tell me so & I'll leave.
I can handle the emptiness, I have before.
Why don't you get it?
What about this is confusing you so much?
I tell you exactly what I'm thinking,
But you always edit & cut out important things.
Is it such a sin to miss you?
I don't really care as long as you can get it.

I'm Not Here Anymore

I'm not here anymore.
You may see my face, you may hear my voice,
But it's not me you're talking to.
The words my mouth says are the ones you want to hear,
The smile displayed is another projection for you.
I'm not here anymore.
Where am I, you my wonder?
It's a mystery to me,
Maybe I'm floating, perhaps I'm just dead,
All that's left of me is a shell.
I'm not here anymore.

Not Anyone's Fault

You never know how to act,
Only focusing on yourself.
How can you claim to care, when you don't.
Saying things you think are kind,
Makes her push you out of her mind.
You screwed up, go out & fix it.
& if you don't, then you threw her away.
It's not her fault you lost your temper,
It's not your fault that she left you alone,
It's not anyone's fault that things fell apart here,
But it's your fault you didn't fix it.
She was your closest friend,
The one who didn't pretend.
When you needed someone she was there.
All the time she was laughing,
You didn't realize it wasn't because of you.
She fell for your friend, & you threw them away.
It's not his fault, that he fell for her too,
It's not your fault, they chose each other,
It's not anyone's fault that things fell apart here,
But it's your fault you didn't fix it.
News flash, the world isn't out to get you,
Everyone's life is tough.
Your not the only one who feels this way,
It's happened to me & am I acting your way?
No because it's no one's fault that this happened,
Only you are to blame for feeling like this.
Let her go, let him go, let your anger go,
Because being angry won't get her to like you,
It won't make you feel better.
It's just going to dig you deeper & deeper in.
It's not your fault, nor is it her's,
Only you can decide how to feel.

Like Her

I don't want to be like her.
I don't want to make you wait
I don't want to leave you out in the cold
No broken promises, no mixed messages
I don't want to hurt you like she did
You are my world.
There are no other guys, no one but you.
When I say those stupid things
I flinch at your recoil
Because I don't want to be her.
I hope you never hate me like you hate her.
That is my biggest fear
I don't want to mess this up
So I keep my phone in my hand
Just to be sure I don't miss you
When I make you wait I can't breathe.
I don't want to be her
Never do I want to break your heart
Because if I do, I'll be break mine too
Getting your texts are the best parts of my day.
Staying up to talk to you is a joy
But I feel like if I didn't, you'd leave.
I'm so used to conditional love
Fearing what'll happen if I make a mistake
I don' want to be her
I want you to hear my name & smile
Please be patient with me
Because I mess up a lot
Constantly tripping over my own feet
Saying the wrong thing every time.
I am afraid of losing you
You are the one guy I've always wanted
So I never want to be like her.

Written on February 21, 2012

Minor Update

I've been suffering with Depression for 8 months now & only recently have I come to the realization that it's kicking my butt. I just can't seem to get past certain things that have happened to me. Do you ever feel that way? If you read my blog, enjoy anything on here & you agree, or it speaks to you, please feel free to comment. Not only would it mean a lot to me, but it would be fantastic to help me grow as a writer. We're all in this together, we're all just a bunch of beautiful masses swirling around this place we call earth. No, it may not feel beautiful, but it is. Maybe someday soon I'll be able to see past the rain.
Keep strong, & let me know what's on your mind!

Depression

The rain keeps on falling.
Nothing can stop it.
No film, no piece of literature,
No companion, nor random encounter.
Only endless rain, day in & day out.
Sometimes you can forget,
When you're in the arms of a loved one,
Or maybe in your dreams where life is fixed.
War is gone, his love is back, no stress, no pain.
But you wake up, & the rain is beating on your window.
Drowning you slowly, like water torture.
The worst part about the rain,
Is that no one else can feel it.
The constant down pour is undetectable to the rest of the world.
With the rain comes isolation
Stifling any hope from your heart.
Eventually the rain becomes habitual.
A time before it cannot be recalled.
By that point, help feels irrelevant.
As the rain rolls down your skin,
Life becomes a pretense, laden with lies.
It's not intentional, it just happens.
The words slip out to avoid a thunderstorm.
Every moment in the rain removes the life from you
Desperation to remove the pain
Morphs the goals you once had.
Instead you simply struggle to survive.
All the losses suffered, haunting every breath,
Curing the agony alone is impossible,
But that doesn't stop you from trying.
Superficial sunshine is so easy to find
Addiction is inevitable.
Anything to escape the rain.
But no matter how hard you try,
No matter how long you stay in bed,
You can watch hours of animations & sketches,
Or spend your days shopping for things you don't need.
In the end, it's all short term,
The rain will outlast it all.

You Do Nothing

You see her moving slowly, so slowly
You see something's wrong, you know it
What do you do to help the girl who's hardly moving?
You observe everything, but you do nothing.
Tears roll down her face, you're watching them go
You think to yourself not a more tragic thing will you ever see
How can you help her, what can you do?
You pity her, but you do nothing.
The light in his eyes is gone, dull & empty pools remain.
You can't help but stare at his loss of hope
What do you say to remind him he's alive?
Worry grips you, but you do nothing.
Why do we do this to each other,
Avoid contact with those in pain?
Deep inside we know they're hurting to the bone
But we're too cowardly to act, so we do nothing.
This is out world
These are our people
Cay in & day out we let those who need us down.
At what point do we stop this foolishness & act?!?
You can see my pain as you look at my face.
You can feel the agony I'm in as you walk on by.
Though I say nothing & express nothing
You can sense all that I'm holding back.
I make your job easy for you.
I don't cry, I pretend there's a fire behind my eyes
So I let you pass me in an instant
But I leave a bitter after taste that sits on your tongue.
Let that eat its way into your soul,
Let it devour your mind as you go about your day,
Remember that bruised girl, & the sad boy,
Think twice & then do something.

All You've Gotta Do

All you've gotta do is breathe.
Close you're eyes, count to ten & let it go
There are somethings that just aren't worth it.
No offense, but this is one of those things
Why get your undies in a bundle over the little stuff?
Save your nerves the stress.
Just relax, everything's gonna be okay
You're not gonna die, one day you won't even remember this
Get over your past, move on because there's nothing to change
All you're gotta do is breathe
Turn you're heels & walk away
I know it's hard but it's not worth it
As a wise man once said, "This too shall pass."
Take it with a grain of salt
Or apply any cliche of your choice
Believe it or not, you're not alone in this
Your life is just starting out
Everything gets better.
All you've gotta do is breathe
Who am I to tell you it's all going to be okay?
What do I know of the agony in your chest?
I can't have ever felt that nothingness that grips you.
But I have, I feel it at this very moment
How can I know that it will all  turn out okay?
Those shoes you're wearing?
I've put them on & taken them off far too many times
Trust me when I say, there is so much more waiting for you.
All you've gotta do is breathe
Get past this part of your life, hold on
Someday soon you'll wake up & those shoes will be gone
Their voices & actions will be far behind you.
For now, you've got me to lean on
& I won't rest until you do what you've gotta do & breathe.

You Are Scaring Me

You are scaring me
That look in your eyes, those words you say
They scare me half to death
I want to run, as far away as I can from you
Because I can't look at you in the same way
This is hard.
It's so hard for me to say these words out loud
I care for you a lot
But you are moving way too fast for me
I'm still trying to catch my breath from him.
You are scaring me
Those words you spoke so easily
Boy, those are such powerful words
How could you mean them?!
I am no where near the point where I could say them too
My struggle is still to keep my feet beneath me.
Beautiful though those words my sound to you
To me they make me want to run from you
As far & as fast as I can.
Just so I don't have to hurt you
You are scaring me
I'm still so used to his face & his name
The face that often haunts my dreams
I doubt you can comprehend his place in my heart
It is that which concerns me most
Because I am such a wreck
You have your life all together
Don't trust me so much, don't look to me for happiness
I can be a factor, but please don't put me on a pedestal
I am no angel, I am a confused & hurting girl.
You are scaring me
& if you're not more careful, I may run.

We ...

We all have a choice.
We can either help or save.
We can either end or begin.
We can either proceed or retreat.
We are given the options
We have the world in our hands.
We all have a choice.
We can choose to break somebody's heart,
We can choose to hold somebody while they cry.
We can change the world or hold it where it is.
We can create or we can destroy
We live, we laugh, we love, we dream.
We all have a choice.
We can act on our dreams,
We can act on our loves,
We can laugh on & on & on.
We can live that life we're called to live,
We can also throw that all away.
We all have a choice.
We hate, we lie, we cheat, we kill.
We want more & more of that which fills us.
We take the pills, we shoot the drugs,
We drink the Kool-Aid to feel the peace.
We do this all for we have the choice.
We all have a choice.
We can be moral or we can be instinctual,
We can choose life or we can choose death.
We may put others before ourselves,
We may self indulge & leave suffering in others.
We are the world, we make up the universe.
We all have a choice.
We need to use those choices to change lives.

How Far?

How far will you go before you come back to me?
I'm willing to wait until the end of time
But leading me on like this is cruel.
My heart has been laid out for you
There's nothing that you've said
I try & try & try but you give me nothing back.
How far will you go, a mile, 2 miles, a lifetime?
Will you love me like you said you did?
Or was that just another beautiful line you gave?
I never thought you'd make me sit in silence,
But I suppose that's what I get
For loving you so deeply without a life line.
How far will you go, will you disappear from sight?
What on earth did I do to upset you so much
This silence is gold, because it's dragging me down
Far too heavy for me to be able to breathe.
I'm drowning in this silence, love, I'm smothered by your lack of words.
Are we going to fix this, or will my heart break once more?
How far will you go with your half of my heart?
Please bring it back, please come home to me.
Chills run up & down my spine, freezing me slowly
Where have you gone, my love, where have you gone?
I will be here until you no longer want me.
So please end this silence & speak to me.
Do you or do you not want me or love me?
I've needed you every night but you're not there.
I don't know what I'm going to do without you,
Because I can tell that this is not going to end well.
I won't lie, I'm terrified because I know you're going to leave.
How far will you go, love, how far will you go?
& when should I expect your return?

Being In Love

You would think it'd last forever
That there'd never be an end
Yet here I am sobbing into my pillow again
Because he doesn't love me anymore.
I'm wearing my, "Love is beautiful" t-shirt
& named my newest frog Love
Laughing in class & smiling at home
Because I'm using the love I feel to help me go on.
After I hung up that phone, I made a promise to myself
I'd wait for him forever or until he sends me away
Pain will catch up to me eventually
But for now I'll keep busy
I never thought things would end this way
Never imagined how it would feel
Because being in love is far too easy.
The bliss & the peace of it is way too inviting
You meet that one special someone
His deep voice of velvet & his eyes as soft as cashmere.
Without your knowledge he makes his way into your heart.
He makes you believe in love
But then he goes away because he's not in love with you anymore.
Then being in love is the most painful thing in your life
Because you still love him.
So you sit on the bus sobbing quietly into your sweater
No one wants to sit next to you.
Alone.
The one word you've been avoiding.
Being in love can either make or break you.
I'm not sure which it is doing to me yet.
Because I still love him with my whole heart
A frog named Love, around my neck
Being in love is something I'll always carry with me
All I can say is a cliche.
No regrets & thanks for the memories.

I'm Fine

I fell pathetically in love
So truly, so deeply, so completely.
Hell, I'm still pathetically in love
But I've convinced myself that I'm fine
Which I am, as long as I don't see him or hear him.
Even a single post by him & I'm on my bum again.
Keeping him out of my mind is like no longer breathing.
But honestly, no matter what happens, I'm fine.
I've never had a classic love story.
No mix CDs, no days spent in each other's arms,
He didn't write me a single letter, not a single thing.
But not having those means I'm fine.
He gave me no explanation, no reason for his exit.
That voice of his, stone cold & emotionless
My question for him? Did he even care?
But it doesn't matter now because I'm fine.
We went further than I really wanted,
It felt nice in the moment,
Looking back it makes me sick,
But there's no point because I'm fine.
Isn't it funny how different we all are after a break up?
He's not the guy I've known him to be.
Love is a fickle friend, morphing us until we've gotten lost in translation.
But he's moved on, & I'm fine.
Stop looking at me like that
Pay no attention to my face, arms, & legs.
No, I'm no hurting myself, don't judge me
But your eyes say what your words don't so just trust me, I'm fine.
I'm still in love with him, he remains the air I breathe
You can't tell, I'm an actress
With my head held high I'll cover up my flaws
But don't believe me when I say I'm fine, because it's a lie.

The World Is A Playground

The world is a playground
Love is the swing
The pebbles are hatred
Monkey bars represent success.
But I can't seem to get off the swing.
I once had someone to swing with,
Until he jumped off right at the top.
Sadness is when it's time to go home.
One more swing you beg of time,
Another go on the monkey bars.
You'd even settle for a scraped knee,
Maybe even some pebbles in the wound.
Anything but going home.
The world is a playground
Jealousy is the slide
The initials in permanent marker are friendship
Tire swings are family gatherings
Still, I am clinging to my swing
His swing is slowing down
To & fro-ing less & less with each passing moment.
Loneliness is the teater-totter without someone to ride with.
You try so hard to make the other side go down
Stomping on the ground
Piling pebbles onto the seat
Nothing works, no amount of hate can fill that void.
So I give up.
I push those silly pebbles off,
Then I slip back on the swing.
Here I am, swinging back & forth on my own.
Love, it's what my life is about, loving him no matter what.
Swinging feels like flying, especially when you're alone.
My heart & I will always love him,
Because the world is a playground,
& I'm the kid.
Sometimes, people get bored of swinging
I never will, no matter how tired, or how scared.
This love will prove itself.
When it's time for others to come & leave,
My swing will keep on swinging,
Loving him enough to let him go.
The world is my playground,
& I love the swings.

Chase Them

Chase them, chase them round & round
Try to drown yourself in all the hotties you can find
Inside I'll bet you're hurting all the way down to your toes.
Lust for all those girls if you think it'll help
Just don't snap at my best friend, don't you dare
It's all your own fault if you are lonely on your own.
Chase them, hormonal boy until you realize the truth
No amount of attractive women are going to ease this pain.
I'm not saying that I'm the one for you
Only God knows that.
What I'm saying is that if in one month you're not happy yet,
Don't you think that there might be a flaw,
In the way you think?
Chase them, get on out there, find the hottest one.
Woo her, the way you once tried to woo me.
Send her those red roses & a box full of sweets.
I hope you find the passion you lost.
All I want is for you to be happy.
If you find a girl who does it for you, then great.
But I'll bet she'll never love you the way I do.
Chase them if you feel the need to.
Run after them & don't look back.
Now it's my turn to move on, silly boy.
Long will be the process of getting past you
The memories still pierce me through
Someday I will keep my pillow dry for a week,
& then I'll be the one who is finding someone else.
Chase them, please, so I can stop pretending
Once you do, I'll know it's truly over.
Go ahead, do all those thing I didn't want to.
But if at the end of the day, you feel the same,
What was the point of those flashes of ecstasy?
In the end, it's all about what last,
& if you find the answers that you're looking for,
Then chase them, silly boy, chase them until the end of time &don't look back.

Is It Time?

I spend everyday in complete silence,
Not a word that crosses my lips means anything.
My missing you is the only thought in my head.
But maybe one morning I'll wake up
& that piercing dull ache won't sting as much.
All I seem to do is waste my time
Sitting in front of my computer doing nothing.
Love, it's said, changes a person forever,
Cripples them, destroys them, turns them upside down
Yet something tells me, it's going to make me better
More clever, less selfish, most honest, less tactless.
Is it time for my transformation?
Shall I arise from my seat & change the world?
Is it time?
You are all I want, nothing can take your place.
No movie, no show, no store, no book, no bear, no frog, no food,
No hobby, no friend, no pet, no flirt, no crush, no anything.
Don't you doubt that for one second.
You can chase after whatever hot waitress you see
Just know that at the end of the day, I still miss you.
One of these days, I'm going to be okay again.
Then I'll be better than I've ever been.
Is it time for me to grow my wings?
Please say it's time for me to fly.
Is it time?
No matter what I try to tell myself.
You're the only reason I can write anymore.
Inspiration is hard to find in the life I live.
Resisting  the urge to hop on the next bus to you
Forcing my hand away from my phone
Doing my best to leave you alone,
Because I know that's what you want.
Who'd have thought I'd be on my knees over you
If I had known what love means, how it feels.
Caution would never have ended.
Walls would have been built to protect me.
Yet, I'm glad to have known.
Because now, I have inspiration, now I have a spark
Soon I will build it into a flame
Then it will be time.
When this pain becomes strength
Forcing me to get up & change myself
Into the best version of me.
Rising up & reaching for the will to live,
& challenging me to love with my whole heart again.
Only then will I spread my wings & soar.

People Always Leave

Anger, it bites us all some days
When it's not, angry is licking your heels
Slicing & burning you achilles tendon
Is it a wonder that people always leave?
Weakness, like an annoying little brother
Making you believe there's nothing you can do
Stabbing & beating your soul to a pulp
Is it a mystery that people always leave?
Sadness, gripping your heart with a cold hand
Freezing you cold vein by vein
Leaving a broken version of yourself behind
Is it a surprise that people leave?
Pain, often it crouches below the surface
Sipping the life from your soul so slowly
Turning you hard & empty in the core
How is it shocking when everybody leaves?
Everyday we wake up with this weight on our shoulders
The weight of every disappointment & every broken heart
All the dreams we've left unfulfilled slowly breaking our backs.
Remember we too always leave.
If he breaks your heart you're gone.
When your enemy is around you're gone
That kid wants help you're gone
So now you're the one who always leaves
No sex? You leave. Regret? You leave. Afraid? You leave.
You just keep on leaving.
How can you expect anyone else to stay?
I have succumbed to anger & weakness
Played the victim to sadness & pain
I too wake up with weights in my shoulders
But I have sworn to never leave.
Strength is a quiet whisper
Injecting you with warmth
Reminding you that someday, somewhere,
There will be someone who'll always stay.

Below the Surface

I used to believe in everything
Used to walk the streets with a smile on my lips
Well, I guess I still do
But the smile only touches the surface
Below the surface, deeper than even I know
My heart is breaking with each passing day.
You haunt my every move, remembering it hurts
Loving you is all I can do, so I send it to you.
Every breeze to brush your hair,
Every ray of sun that kisses your face
Every raindrop to wet your skin
Are all the signs of my love for you.
Below the surface is the only place I can feel.
But I've locked those doors without even knowing it
I can't feel a thing anymore
To see your face or hear your voice
Reminding me what it's like to feel
I can't.
You've left me behind & I won't bother you.
I love you.
Only below the surface
Can't let the rest of the world know I'm dying.
Won't even let myself know my agony
So I locked it up, far below the surface.
Until one day I find someone to take your place
I don't want anyone but you.
Alone I'll sit & write letters & poems
Every single one written to you.
Because I have so much to say
There are still so many things I want to share.
You told me always, & I thought it would be
I thought I had so much more time
My mistake, it won't happen again.
I'll take this thought & all my others & lock them down below the surface.